[health log] Going a bit wrong
Aug. 15th, 2014 03:44 pm( Read more... )
I got myself into bed last night then overwhelming world-is-wrong. So I reemerged and spent about an hour with TOL talking me down (I continue genuinely impressed that I'm willing to have her touch me when I'm panic-attacking) via media various, halfway through which I managed to talk myself into taking diazepam, and now via necking a pint and a bit of water and two mouthfuls of very weak tea I am starting to emerge from the hangover. (I should... probably remember to drink more water when I take benzos, heh.)
Highlights include: twenty minutes spent crying hysterically onto her ankles, absolute executive dysfunction fail, and having a screaming fit in the shower because unexpected texture. On the upside, I have discovered that having someone turn a shower on for me provides exactly the right kind of background white noise that... makes my brain suddenly start working again? So that's nice.
SO YES I think that's the (spontaneously) maddest TOL has seen me since 2012. Iiii'm going to increase my meds.
Highlights include: twenty minutes spent crying hysterically onto her ankles, absolute executive dysfunction fail, and having a screaming fit in the shower because unexpected texture. On the upside, I have discovered that having someone turn a shower on for me provides exactly the right kind of background white noise that... makes my brain suddenly start working again? So that's nice.
SO YES I think that's the (spontaneously) maddest TOL has seen me since 2012. Iiii'm going to increase my meds.
I dropped down to 30mg citalopram on Monday. Results are clearly skewed by having managed to miss bed meds (and had to catch up) three times in the previous ten days, but so far I'm not braining brilliantly, much much clumsier than usual (tripping over feet, struggling to stand for more than about 30 seconds at a time), and my sleep cycle's epically fucked. Withdrawal or just being ill? WHO KNOWS.
Ten good things
Feb. 9th, 2014 04:17 pm1. My strategy for dealing with my insomnia last night (leave main light on, read book until can't any more, pretend is afternoon nap) was good for 4 hours' sleep, which I think is more than I'd have managed otherwise. Hurrah for coping strategies.
2. I have now finished the first Mary Oliver collection I borrowed from the Saison Poetry Library, and it's amazing and I love her (You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.).
3. I need to be in work this afternoon (and building steam has been turned back on, which means that the clean lab isn't at ambient outdoor temperature, hurrah). I was starting from Oxfordshire, via Paddington. I had my wheelchair with me. Paddington is conveniently just north of Hyde Park, which is just north of work. I had an absolutely fantastic explore along the Serpentine - ridiculous waterfowl, several types of snowdrop, narcissi, silver-fern bramble (one of my favourites), a whole pile of beautiful gradated dogwoods interspersed with salix, gorse in flower, birches with pink bark peeling, a tree with astonishing pink catkins, hellebores and mahonias and...
4. ... and yesterday afternoon I visited the Oxford Botanics with That One Lady. They are tiny and adorable and have a whole series of beds organised by which medical discipline the plants were or are used in. Also, lots of my absolute favourite iris (they're predominantly a sort of pale sky blue in person).
5. The 1am bugfuck nuts appears to have been followed by starting a bleed. Thanks, body, for your utter predictability; on the plus side, in the middle of going "EVERYTHING IS SPIDERS" I did at least manage to spot that that was likely what was happening.
6. Actually, one of the other ways I dealt with the insomnia was putting together a tentative setlist for the 10-minute poetry reading I'm doing as part of a General Evening, in late May. I'm going to have to think a bit carefully, because I've selected 9 poems and put them in a coherent order, so that + patter is clearly going to be too long... e-mail to the organisers time, I think.
7. In fact, the General Evening is a monthly event I performed at with Lashings last night. I remain absolutely astonished by my ability to make a room burst out laughing via the medium of improvisation on an approximate theme of my lines; perhaps I shouldn't be, because after all I've been managing that for nearly five years now, but hey.
8. The Situation with the Partner continues to Make Progress. We've managed another several good & useful conversations; things aren't fixed but we are stubborn enough that we're pretty sure we're going to manage, at this point, and we've got a stopgap in place.
9. It's nearly 5pm and the sun hasn't finished setting, yet; currently it is painting the sky gold, and it is glorious.
10. Thank you to, like, half the Internet for taking care of me during meltdown last night - so, so grateful that you will make the time for me. <3 Special shout-out to![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
flippac, who handled the brunt of it solo with no warning. ♥
2. I have now finished the first Mary Oliver collection I borrowed from the Saison Poetry Library, and it's amazing and I love her (You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.).
3. I need to be in work this afternoon (and building steam has been turned back on, which means that the clean lab isn't at ambient outdoor temperature, hurrah). I was starting from Oxfordshire, via Paddington. I had my wheelchair with me. Paddington is conveniently just north of Hyde Park, which is just north of work. I had an absolutely fantastic explore along the Serpentine - ridiculous waterfowl, several types of snowdrop, narcissi, silver-fern bramble (one of my favourites), a whole pile of beautiful gradated dogwoods interspersed with salix, gorse in flower, birches with pink bark peeling, a tree with astonishing pink catkins, hellebores and mahonias and...
4. ... and yesterday afternoon I visited the Oxford Botanics with That One Lady. They are tiny and adorable and have a whole series of beds organised by which medical discipline the plants were or are used in. Also, lots of my absolute favourite iris (they're predominantly a sort of pale sky blue in person).
5. The 1am bugfuck nuts appears to have been followed by starting a bleed. Thanks, body, for your utter predictability; on the plus side, in the middle of going "EVERYTHING IS SPIDERS" I did at least manage to spot that that was likely what was happening.
6. Actually, one of the other ways I dealt with the insomnia was putting together a tentative setlist for the 10-minute poetry reading I'm doing as part of a General Evening, in late May. I'm going to have to think a bit carefully, because I've selected 9 poems and put them in a coherent order, so that + patter is clearly going to be too long... e-mail to the organisers time, I think.
7. In fact, the General Evening is a monthly event I performed at with Lashings last night. I remain absolutely astonished by my ability to make a room burst out laughing via the medium of improvisation on an approximate theme of my lines; perhaps I shouldn't be, because after all I've been managing that for nearly five years now, but hey.
8. The Situation with the Partner continues to Make Progress. We've managed another several good & useful conversations; things aren't fixed but we are stubborn enough that we're pretty sure we're going to manage, at this point, and we've got a stopgap in place.
9. It's nearly 5pm and the sun hasn't finished setting, yet; currently it is painting the sky gold, and it is glorious.
10. Thank you to, like, half the Internet for taking care of me during meltdown last night - so, so grateful that you will make the time for me. <3 Special shout-out to
flippac, who handled the brunt of it solo with no warning. ♥I wish I could explain
this sudden shifting -- lilting sideways step
from tentatively fine to thoroughly insane.
-- no, that's a lie; no: try again--
there's no price dear enough
for me to draw a map of how
to reach this place; and should I so desire
in any case, I'd fail: because
the labyrinth that keeps me in
is the selfsame as that
which locks you surely out.
There is no key.
Cartography is all to no avail.
All that is left is counting space
between the heart and beat
in which to pray.
I seem to have gone a little bit mad. I am hoping a few days of hermiting will sort me out. Nothing needs doing; just a heads-up.
this sudden shifting -- lilting sideways step
from tentatively fine to thoroughly insane.
-- no, that's a lie; no: try again--
there's no price dear enough
for me to draw a map of how
to reach this place; and should I so desire
in any case, I'd fail: because
the labyrinth that keeps me in
is the selfsame as that
which locks you surely out.
There is no key.
Cartography is all to no avail.
All that is left is counting space
between the heart and beat
in which to pray.
I seem to have gone a little bit mad. I am hoping a few days of hermiting will sort me out. Nothing needs doing; just a heads-up.
I don't try drugs with the common [in the clinical sense: experienced by up to 10% of users] side-effect of depression unless I am actually an in-patient or I have at least four weeks to dedicate to nothing but experimenting with meds.
I don't care if it's the placebo effect.
I always - always - find anxiety and depression more difficult to cope with than pain, or even than incipient chest infections. I would rather end up on IV antibiotics than dealing - at home, alone - with the way that even low doses of prednisolone make me feel. The possible benefits of gabapentin are not, to me, worth the side effects.
It's okay for me to make that decision. I get to make these choices about my care. We are complex systems, all of us, and what is best for someone else is not necessarily what is best for me. This is to be expected. And I am the expert on me, and on what I can live with.
It helps to remind myself of these things. Maybe in saying them out loud I'll believe them.
(Also? Thank you, past self, for making up a box of trail mix and leaving it on the desk by the computer. You're awesome. ♥)
I don't care if it's the placebo effect.
I always - always - find anxiety and depression more difficult to cope with than pain, or even than incipient chest infections. I would rather end up on IV antibiotics than dealing - at home, alone - with the way that even low doses of prednisolone make me feel. The possible benefits of gabapentin are not, to me, worth the side effects.
It's okay for me to make that decision. I get to make these choices about my care. We are complex systems, all of us, and what is best for someone else is not necessarily what is best for me. This is to be expected. And I am the expert on me, and on what I can live with.
It helps to remind myself of these things. Maybe in saying them out loud I'll believe them.
(Also? Thank you, past self, for making up a box of trail mix and leaving it on the desk by the computer. You're awesome. ♥)
up to 10% of users will experience anxiety or depression.
I've been ramping up, very slowly, for nearly a week now (began on the 10th); today is my first day of attempting to take 400mg.
( depression and associated content notes )
This is an incredibly low dose of the stuff - we're deliberately ramping me up gradually, because "very common" side effects include drowsiness/reduction in cognitive function, which we don't wanna dump on me in the run-up to finals - but I am... kind of getting concerned? (Also, I am not yet noticing a decrease in pain levels, which is rather to be expected; typical pain-relief doses start at Many Times This.)
Other factors include an upcoming deadline and, of course, that it's exam term. Nonetheless, keeping an eye on this.
I've been ramping up, very slowly, for nearly a week now (began on the 10th); today is my first day of attempting to take 400mg.
( depression and associated content notes )
This is an incredibly low dose of the stuff - we're deliberately ramping me up gradually, because "very common" side effects include drowsiness/reduction in cognitive function, which we don't wanna dump on me in the run-up to finals - but I am... kind of getting concerned? (Also, I am not yet noticing a decrease in pain levels, which is rather to be expected; typical pain-relief doses start at Many Times This.)
Other factors include an upcoming deadline and, of course, that it's exam term. Nonetheless, keeping an eye on this.
Ah. Yes. Good things.
Mar. 21st, 2013 03:34 am- I am nervously and tentatively writing a sonnet. It is the first stab at a sonnet that I think might end up complete; might end up any good.
- I spotted the panic and the unreason and I did not defeat it, but I fought it back (for now; for now) and built the foundations of a wall against it; I recalled that I decreased my anti-depressant dose as of Monday, and should keep an eye on whether to bump it back up next week.
- Two friends visited for afternoon tea; one I had not seen in any real sense in well over five years, and one I had not seen for several months. The former I am delighted to have reconnected with, and we're having tea again in about a week's time; the latter I am glad to have seen again, and I taught him how to
wrestle hedgehogsuse double-pointed knitting needles. - I had lunch with my mother, and we talked about ourselves and the clan and statistics and INFINITE SUPPLIES OF FROGS and I felt calm and loved.
- The tulips she gave me when I received the PhD offer are dried and curled and beautiful.
- I found the wherewithal to file a lot of paperwork, and in so doing I discovered one of my favourite chocolates, which I thought I'd finished.
- I finished a delightfully pulpy fantasy novel, and I have the entire rest of the series to go (Lisa Shearin's Raine Benares series, for the curious; I picked up the second in the series from the library this time last year, and have finally got around to starting from the beginning).
- I showered. This was more difficult than it sounds, and has been for several days, but I did it.
- I have been able to provide specialist assistance to several people today - partly through being in the right place at the right time, but also because of some of the vast array of things I have learned over the past five years. As always when I notice myself being competent - notice myself having expertise - I am baffled and not a little grateful.
- I have been Plotting, and the first of the results are starting to trickle in through the letter box. (It was one of those "put together a care package for under £30, GO" 3am moments the other day; what can I say?)
fuck you, BBC, fuck you
you know, for most of this article, you do a pretty good job of describing the ways in which prescribing self-help books on the NHS might be useful for people with mild to moderate depression
... IT'S A PITY YOU LEAVE OUT THE MILD TO MODERATE, ISN'T IT
AND INSTEAD
END
ON A FUCKING SELF-CONGRATULATORY BULLSHIT MESSAGE OF "PEOPLE SHOULD BOOTSTRAP THEMSELVES OUT OF DEPRESSION"
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 21. I had been in and out of counselling since I was 15. And you think it's appropriate to suggest I need to "make an effort" to get better?
Don't you fucking dare tell me I should have been able to ~think myself happy~. Don't. You. Dare.
you know, for most of this article, you do a pretty good job of describing the ways in which prescribing self-help books on the NHS might be useful for people with mild to moderate depression
... IT'S A PITY YOU LEAVE OUT THE MILD TO MODERATE, ISN'T IT
AND INSTEAD
END
ON A FUCKING SELF-CONGRATULATORY BULLSHIT MESSAGE OF "PEOPLE SHOULD BOOTSTRAP THEMSELVES OUT OF DEPRESSION"
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 21. I had been in and out of counselling since I was 15. And you think it's appropriate to suggest I need to "make an effort" to get better?
Don't you fucking dare tell me I should have been able to ~think myself happy~. Don't. You. Dare.
Health stuff
Jan. 8th, 2013 05:25 pmDLA reapplication time is coming up. Therefore, some notes on my health over the past week or so.
( Physical stuff. )
( Mental stuff. )
fuckin' bodies, man.
( Physical stuff. )
( Mental stuff. )
fuckin' bodies, man.
& in "I really hate DRM" news...
Dec. 27th, 2012 11:42 pmI spent several weeks off-and-on utterly failing to track down a DRM-free ebook of Malignant Sadness by Lewis Wolpert. (Amazon has an ebook for £5.26.)
I was delighted to stumble across it for £3.50 in the second-hand section of a book shop the other day, even though on the whole I greatly prefer ebooks because they don't hurt to read.
But, you know, I would very happily have not waited until I found a cheaper second-hand copy - & more money would have gone to the publisher and author - if a DRM-free edition of the ebook had been available.
- which leads me on to the broader question of: given that most of my second-hand books come from charity shops; and given that dead-tree books are generally harder for me to read these days than ebooks, much as this upsets me; where is the ethical problem with pirating ebooks provided I make regular donations to $charity, anyway? (Obligatory Disclaimer In Which I Note that: I do spent a fair bit of money on "new" ebooks, when I can find them DRM-free; I am aware that this practice would be legally dubious, at best.)
I was delighted to stumble across it for £3.50 in the second-hand section of a book shop the other day, even though on the whole I greatly prefer ebooks because they don't hurt to read.
But, you know, I would very happily have not waited until I found a cheaper second-hand copy - & more money would have gone to the publisher and author - if a DRM-free edition of the ebook had been available.
- which leads me on to the broader question of: given that most of my second-hand books come from charity shops; and given that dead-tree books are generally harder for me to read these days than ebooks, much as this upsets me; where is the ethical problem with pirating ebooks provided I make regular donations to $charity, anyway? (Obligatory Disclaimer In Which I Note that: I do spent a fair bit of money on "new" ebooks, when I can find them DRM-free; I am aware that this practice would be legally dubious, at best.)
An Cultural Experience
Dec. 25th, 2012 02:09 amI made Marillen- and Zwetschgenknoedel over the weekend; this evening, I roped the woozl in to help me make my first Nusspotitze. We're still working our way through the last bottle of Inlaenderrum my Grossmutti brought back from Austria.
My mother will get to eat fresh Potitz for breakfast on Christmas day, and I am just a little weepy about how much that's going to mean to her.
The woozl, meanwhile, is being very good-natured about the extent to which in-group conversations with my mother tend to involve three or four different languages; references to Visigoths and caterpillars getting mixed up with one another; especial family in-jokes and word-plays; and the like.
I... do like it when friends get to meet my family: I like people having the opportunity to see where I came from, in several senses, because - I am the ghost of my own past lives (thank you, CN Lester), and some days that history weighs heavy on my shoulders, and some days I feel like it's all that's holding me up.
It's been a hard year and a long year and a year I'm emerging from in a far better state than the one I entered it in; I've loved fiercely and gently, I've laughed, I've cooked and I've fed people, I've curled up with my books and I've sung my heart out. I'm a little older and a whole lot wiser and - tonight, right now, I can recast hollowness as dormancy.
I didn't start this post meaning to talk about depression, but apparently I want to, and I think what I want to say is something a little like this: the days are short and the nights are long and it huddles close for warmth, but: love lives again, that with the dead has been: love will come again like wheat that springeth green.
The solstice has passed, and so too will this: and in its wake I will remain myself, and I will become someone wholly new.
My mother will get to eat fresh Potitz for breakfast on Christmas day, and I am just a little weepy about how much that's going to mean to her.
The woozl, meanwhile, is being very good-natured about the extent to which in-group conversations with my mother tend to involve three or four different languages; references to Visigoths and caterpillars getting mixed up with one another; especial family in-jokes and word-plays; and the like.
I... do like it when friends get to meet my family: I like people having the opportunity to see where I came from, in several senses, because - I am the ghost of my own past lives (thank you, CN Lester), and some days that history weighs heavy on my shoulders, and some days I feel like it's all that's holding me up.
It's been a hard year and a long year and a year I'm emerging from in a far better state than the one I entered it in; I've loved fiercely and gently, I've laughed, I've cooked and I've fed people, I've curled up with my books and I've sung my heart out. I'm a little older and a whole lot wiser and - tonight, right now, I can recast hollowness as dormancy.
I didn't start this post meaning to talk about depression, but apparently I want to, and I think what I want to say is something a little like this: the days are short and the nights are long and it huddles close for warmth, but: love lives again, that with the dead has been: love will come again like wheat that springeth green.
The solstice has passed, and so too will this: and in its wake I will remain myself, and I will become someone wholly new.
So long as I am working on the project, and just working on the project, I am fine and enthusiastic (give or take grumping about the combination of being an insomniac with chronic fatigue, etc).
Thinking about the option courses for next term, though? For which I'll have to sit exams? Yep, turns out that's pretty much a panic attack onna plate.
Something else to talk to the counsellor about on Wednesday. Sigh.
Thinking about the option courses for next term, though? For which I'll have to sit exams? Yep, turns out that's pretty much a panic attack onna plate.
Something else to talk to the counsellor about on Wednesday. Sigh.
Thoroughly blissed out.
I don't know quite what I've done to deserve such awesome people and such awesome science in my life, but whatever it was, THANK YOU UNIVERSE.
In vaguely related news, yesterday (among other things) the nice student GP gave me PHQ 9 [pdf, content note: depression] to fill out. It's scored from 0 to 27, with scores of 20-27 being classed as "severe depression".
In January - the previous time I filled one out - I scored about 24.
Yesterday?
Yesterday I scored six, and most of those points were actually clearly attributable to the fact that I've got chronic fatigue and spent the weekend travelling.
I WIN.
One of the things I did this evening was use up a bunch of leftovers. Specifically, there were some strawberries that were starting to turn, so I sliced off the unpleasant bits and stuck them in the fridge while, in a pan, I combined:
... and simmered it all up until it was syrupy.
And then I poured it over the strawberries, to general sounds of nom, and lo it was good and I shall create it again some time.
I don't know quite what I've done to deserve such awesome people and such awesome science in my life, but whatever it was, THANK YOU UNIVERSE.
In vaguely related news, yesterday (among other things) the nice student GP gave me PHQ 9 [pdf, content note: depression] to fill out. It's scored from 0 to 27, with scores of 20-27 being classed as "severe depression".
In January - the previous time I filled one out - I scored about 24.
Yesterday?
Yesterday I scored six, and most of those points were actually clearly attributable to the fact that I've got chronic fatigue and spent the weekend travelling.
I WIN.
One of the things I did this evening was use up a bunch of leftovers. Specifically, there were some strawberries that were starting to turn, so I sliced off the unpleasant bits and stuck them in the fridge while, in a pan, I combined:
- 1/4 bottle red wine (also a leftover)
- small handful of black peppercorns
- star anise
- sprinkle of nutmeg
- one allspice berry
- ALL THE SUGAR SERIOUSLY YOU LOT SO MUCH BROWN SUGAR
... and simmered it all up until it was syrupy.
And then I poured it over the strawberries, to general sounds of nom, and lo it was good and I shall create it again some time.
My 2am in music videos
Aug. 26th, 2012 02:27 amFrank Turner -- Reasons Not To Be An Idiot [TW misogyny, major misunderstanding of how depression works] I'm building bonfires of my vanities and doubts/to get warm, just like everybody else
P!nk -- Don't Let Me Get Me doctor doctor won't you please prescribe me something/a day in the life of someone else
Frank Turner -- I Am Disappeared I keep having dreams/of pirate ships and pioneers and Bob Dylan...
The Indelicates -- Ill [TW mental illness] you'll never take enough of those pills/you know you're too clever to be mentally ill
Barenaked Ladies -- Testing 1, 2, 3 begin the testing - 1, 2, 3/can anybody hear me/if I shed the irony/will everybody cheer me/if I acted less like me...
Manic Street Preachers -- Black Dog On My Shoulder there's a black dog on my shoulder again/licking my neck and saying she's my friend
Barenaked Ladies -- War On Drugs [TW suicide, drug abuse, mental illness] won't it be dull/when we rid ourselves/of all these demons haunting us/to keep us company//won't it be odd/to be happy like/we always thought we're s'posed to feel/but never seem to be
Pink Floyd -- Comfortably Numb well I can ease your pain/get you on your feet again
Queen -- The Show Must Go On inside my heart is aching/my make-up may be flaking/but my smile still stays on
Frank Turner -- I Still Believe now anyone can take the stage/and make miracles for minimum wage
P!nk -- Fuckin' Perfect [TW disordered eating, self-injury, abuse, bullying] pretty pretty please/don't you ever ever feel/like you're less than/fucking perfect to me
P!nk -- Raise Your Glass so raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways
P!nk -- Don't Let Me Get Me doctor doctor won't you please prescribe me something/a day in the life of someone else
Frank Turner -- I Am Disappeared I keep having dreams/of pirate ships and pioneers and Bob Dylan...
The Indelicates -- Ill [TW mental illness] you'll never take enough of those pills/you know you're too clever to be mentally ill
Barenaked Ladies -- Testing 1, 2, 3 begin the testing - 1, 2, 3/can anybody hear me/if I shed the irony/will everybody cheer me/if I acted less like me...
Manic Street Preachers -- Black Dog On My Shoulder there's a black dog on my shoulder again/licking my neck and saying she's my friend
Barenaked Ladies -- War On Drugs [TW suicide, drug abuse, mental illness] won't it be dull/when we rid ourselves/of all these demons haunting us/to keep us company//won't it be odd/to be happy like/we always thought we're s'posed to feel/but never seem to be
Pink Floyd -- Comfortably Numb well I can ease your pain/get you on your feet again
Queen -- The Show Must Go On inside my heart is aching/my make-up may be flaking/but my smile still stays on
Frank Turner -- I Still Believe now anyone can take the stage/and make miracles for minimum wage
P!nk -- Fuckin' Perfect [TW disordered eating, self-injury, abuse, bullying] pretty pretty please/don't you ever ever feel/like you're less than/fucking perfect to me
P!nk -- Raise Your Glass so raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways
Side-effects log: two weeks on citalopram
Jan. 15th, 2012 08:07 pmI was started on (and am continuing on) a dose of 10mg/day, taken when I wake up (still wildly variable). I seem to be sleeping a lot and I seem to have a very short attention span; it's hard to tell if it's having any effect other than that, yet, because hormones blah blah cyclical blah blah degraded blah blah - basically, I am currently in a patch where I would be pretty stable anyway, and my mood is at what I consider to be my baseline normal, so. The real test will occur over the next fortnight or thereabouts. (And who knows? Maybe if this works I won't be out of endo management options after all - I might be able to try a progesterone-only method again...)
