kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
This is the last question from [personal profile] finch's list of Three Weeks for Dreamwidth prompts.

The sense of community, and of family.

That we look out for each other - because we do: I made [community profile] signalboost not because I'd had a brilliant idea for something we should do, but because I thought structure might help with something we already do - and that we encourage each other (to think, to code, to dream...) makes me happy. That we are so welcoming makes me happy. That I am meeting so many fantastic people makes me happy.

<3 to all.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
  • that cultural appropriation is shitty and gross
  • that (out-group) fetishising of queer lives is shitty and gross
  • that queering media, and representing real queer people, is hugely important
  • that slashfic was one of the ways I explored my gender identity (without realising it) as a kid
  • that patriarchy is shitty and gross and is the reason we have predominantly male characters (with personalities, etc) to play with; that we are taught that men are interesting and women are auxiliary and nobody else exists is a huge part of the problem


... but actually, what this question mostly makes me think about is: it's been very interesting, running through this set of prompts. There are several questions I've looked at and thought "... not interested, I want to skip this", and then written for anyway - and working out what to say to something that doesn't catch my imagination has been good discipline (in a way that is very, very different from getting a fanwork exchange prompt that doesn't immediately catch me; presumably because it's lower-pressure?), though I am pretty sure it's not something I want to keep up!
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Still from [personal profile] finch...

We had one of these recently, but sure, go on, ask me anything.
kaberett: Photo of a pile of old leather-bound books. (books)
... or because you don't have the energy?

Mmm. I don't tend to talk about my relationships much, not so much because it's "too personal" as because (a) I suspect mostly they're not very interesting to anyone who's not involved [obviously I make exceptions for the Hilarious Anecdotes, but I tend to feel my entire access list doesn't need to be subjected to them ;)], and (b) I'd want to get permission before doing it, which sounds like a lot of hassle.

On the topic of "not having the energy", I tend not to talk about politics and activism - particularly the things I find deeply upsetting - because I view this very much as my space to be horrified and exhausted and scared and furious, but - well. I know some people look at me being scared and angry and decide I'm overreacting, or feel the need to patiently explain to me that I'm being silly and hysterical, or conclude that how I write when I am angry and scared is how I write when I'm composing formal e-mails, and think it's appropriate to give me unsolicited lectures on how to communicate effectively, and why I'll never be able to, and how this will harm the cause so I just. shouldn't.

And - no. I can't deal with that. I have dealt with too much of it. I don't need people undermining me, undermining my competence; I don't need people feeding my ever-present self-criticism and self-doubt; I don't need having to explain myself, over and over, to people for whom the conversation is academic, when I am already raw and exhausted and ground down to ashes.

-- there is one other thing: and that's my illnesses. I talk a lot about living with depression, about how it affects me, about analysis of the whole - but I do it only, only when I'm well. To first approximation, the only things I write about depression while actively depressed are pared-down symptoms logs. That, now - what depression feels like on the inside - that is not something I can talk about, really, not while it's happening (because it hurts too much; because no-one will want to listen; because the people who know already know and don't need reminding, and the people who don't can't), and not after the fact (because, blessedly, the stark reality fades to intellectual overview).

There's three things for you.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
All of them! To quote myself, languishing in a drafts folder elsewhere:

kaberett is not my wallet name - the name in my passport, on my Prescription Pre-payment Certificate, on my various institutional ID cards - but it is no less real for that. I am the only person using "kaberett" as a name; search the Internet and you'll get me, and a bunch of German-speakers using non-standard spellings.

My wallet name isn't the name under which I perform; it's not the name under which I write; it's not the name under which I have formed countless close friendships; it's not the name under which I provide sex education and health advice; but: it is no less real for that. There are two other people with my wallet name living in my area (one has a private pilot's licence; one spends a lot of time on student theatre), and I have at least one relative who (superficially) shares it.

Both names are real. Both names are equally real.

Both names are chosen.

Neither is the name I was given at birth.

I chose "kaberett" before I had settled on "Alex"; I decided on "Alex" because "kaberett" felt right.

Both names are patchwork: of who I am; of who I was; of who I hope to be. They started out too large: I echoed inside them and looked over my shoulder, unable to tell who was calling me. And then: I grew into my names, settled them on my shoulders like a coat, and I got out my scissors and my needles and my thread and I took them in where they were still too large; added in another stripe - another layer of nuance - where they constricted.

And I have worked for these names - for these identities - and they are consistent, solid, whole. I refuse to do either of them a disservice by relegating them to the status of "pseudonym" or "fake"; I refuse to countenance the question "Ah, but what is your real name?" - as if I could, should, have only one; as if my name should not be context-dependent; as if the name chosen for me by people who didn't yet know me is more real than my names.


We are fond of these distinctions, though: between "real life" and "online", as though they can be meaningfully separated; as though through the mediation of technology our actions become fantasy, our selves fantastical. Yes, online we can fly - but the communities we build are no less valid for that.

So then, predictably: we go the other way: with "meatspace", for example, a graphic and unpleasant image. And, yes, for some of us - and I do here include myself - our bodies make unpleasant roommates; and yet - the mind is not purer than the flesh. Embodiment neither corrupts nor tempts me.


And so, in the end, to neutrality: my real name is what I say it is. My real life is what I say it is.

I am here, and I am real - and so are you. So are we all.
kaberett: A sleeping koalasheep (Avatar: the Last Airbender), with the dreamwidth logo above. (dreamkoalasheep)
The first thing that comes to mind is something I've been pleased about for quite a while now, but don't feel comfortable (or perhaps safe? I can't tell) posting about here, though I've discussed it with quite a lot of you elsewhere. (Curious? Feel free to ask - on IM or in PM or by e-mail - but it's not going in comments here.)

Other than things I've made the conscious decision not to talk about, I can't really think of things-that-make-me-happy that I don't talk about?

-- ah, no, there we go: neurodiversity and its interaction with community-building.

At this rate, if I ever get [staff profile] denise to write me a reference for anything, it's going to read something along the lines of "Alex does all the tedious organisational shit that everyone else HATES and they get perverse satisfaction from and THANK FUCK FOR THAT, basically."

Here are some things I enjoy doing that Rah and Kat and other staff actively hate, or are time-consuming and lower-priority than everything else on their overfull plates, or:
  • tagging [site community profile] dw_suggestions for easier transferral to Bugzilla.
  • cleaning up feeds to minimise the number of duplicates, make sure everything's pointing at the right place, etc.
  • running through 'zilla to pull out lists of babydev bait for [site community profile] dw_dev_training.
  • prodding [site community profile] dw_volunteers into spitting out code tours for [site community profile] dw_dev.
  • wiki updates, whenever I stumble across things that are wrong/out-of-date/missing and have the brain.

Plus there's the community-building I do outside of active dev-community work - like [community profile] signalboost, like trying to leave comments on posts more of the time, and so on. That's nice. It gives me a space to get out of my head on the days when I can't get out of my room, and that's incredibly valuable.

... which is a bit of a distraction from my main point, which is this: one of the things I love about DW dev culture is that my neurodiversity, my brain quirks, are not treated as obstacles that need accommodating: the fact that I enjoy these tasks that other people are desperate to offload isn't viewed as weird (at least not in a negative sense...); it's just A Thing that happens to be Really Useful. And that is some of why a diverse volunteer base is a good and valuable thing to have, and why accessible volunteering is good and valuable.

But I'm afraid I'm going to stop that train of thought there, before it turns into the second half of the essay that's currently in the works. ;)
kaberett: Zuko kneeling, offering up his wrists (zuko-defeat)
... Is there a community for it on DW?

  • Sort of, but not exactly, in that I apparently signed up the day that Open Beta started (belated happy birthday to Dreamwidth, and a simultaneous belated and early happy birthday to me...) but I only really started thinking of it as my Primary Online Home in about 2011, after meeting [personal profile] noldo and getting dragged delightedly into Avatar fandom.
  • Yep. Oh dearie me yes. And: because it is the show of my heart, because it is beautiful and heartbreaking and enriching and wonderful. Here is my normal pitch for it:
    Avatar: the Last Airbender is a mainstream US kid's TV show. Within the first five minutes of the first episode of the first season, a female character calls a male character out for sexism, in as many words, and she is taken seriously.

    One of the main characters is a six-legged ten-tonne flying platypus-bison. He is a stealthy, stealthy getaway vehicle.

    This is a show that contains no white people, that features disabled people, that is full of a wide range of women, that contains a canon trans character - and that deals with abuse and genocide and war and colonialism in nuanced, complicated, loving, difficult, varied and above all target-audience age-appropriate ways.

    There are three moments of Fail that I can point out to you.

    That's three moments in a three-season series.

    Show. Of. My. Heart.

  • Yep! [community profile] white_lotus.



I'm not very okay at the moment, and I'm not sure why. I'm safe and I'm functional and I'm managing self-care and I'm enjoying the world (cherry blossom and bluebells and daffodils and tulips and cowslips, and chaffinches bathing in puddles and wagtails bathing in fords, and silk aviation maps and family and--) and I'm reading and I'm even managing work, but I just seem to be... not very okay. I'm not used to being this kind of not-very-okay, and I don't know how to deal with it, and I don't have tools for it, and I don't know what the problem is. I don't know how to deal with depression that presents without anhedonia.

Hmm. PHQ-9 reckons I'm currently scoring 10, dysthymia/minor depression. I suppose that sounds about right? I just- none of the normal triggers are in place, and I don't know why. Or maybe this is what a stressful situation (viz, Finals) looks like after several weeks of pretty intensive mindfulness training? Maybe I'd be much worse off if I hadn't done (as much of) the course (as I have)? I don't know. I don't know what to do with this.
kaberett: A green origami stegosaurus (origami stegosaurus)
... How'd they get there?

(I'm going to be away from the Internet for much of Saturday daytime for family stuff, so let's have this now in an attempt to calm me down enough to sleep.)

Yes.

Lots.

  • cavalier cookery: see question 12.
  • flamboyant socks: in my secondary school, the only piece of clothing that might ever be visible that wasn't regulated was socks. I got into the habit. Having stripy feet makes me happy. Having rainbows up to my knees makes me happy. Having dinosaurs up to my knees makes me happy. They are a way for me to pretend to be formal, pretend to be adult and sober and sensible, and hide a little of myself away.
  • gender geeking: because it helps me understand myself. Because it helps other people understand themselves. Because gender expression versus gender versus oppositional sexism is fascinating. Because sociology.
  • history of theology: because it was reading about the history of the Bible that set me free, that made me realise I didn't need to feel guilty for not believing.
  • lumps of rock: see question 12.
  • male-coded formalwear: because, for a long time, it was the only way I knew how to express my gender, to be legibly myself. I'm learning other ways, these days, but I owe a debt of gratitude.
  • mantle melting and plate tectonics: rocks. This is what I love most: that I can look at a single volcano, a single region, and if I've chosen it well it will inform global models. Because it's what's underneath us.
  • other people's libraries: no faster way, I'd argue, to get to know someone; because it's a fantastic way to be introduced to new things; because being permitted to browse feels like an expression of trust, an extended hand; because I love seeing how other people organise them.
  • proper chemistry labs: because for years I thought I'd be a chemist working in total organic synthesis, and though I love that my laboratory is the planet, I still pine, sometimes, for clean benches and fume hoods and proper pipettes and lab coats and jars of solvents and glassware and the magic that is coaxing clear colourless liquids and white crystalline powders to behave just so. On the plus side, I'll likely be working in something pretty similar again in the near future, and it won't be the same, but it won't be awful either.
  • snail-racing: because snails are lovely, and yellow-and-brown striped ones especially so (Cornish beaches in the summer, and Mama who never had her hair unhenna'd when guests were staying, even when she was an in-patient), and because childhood.
  • stompy queer activism: because well-behaved women rarely make history, and the same is true of queers. Because asking nicely rarely works. Because I'm allowed to make noise, to take up space. Because the more I do, the more okay I make the world for kids like me. I'm not likely to ever be a biological parent, but this: this is a thing I can do; this is a gift I can give you.
  • stories with dragons in: see question 12.
  • sun dials: because I love the ways we've devised to tell time and to track the skies. Because of Frank King. Because of the beauty and ingenuity of design. Because of the ways we try to tame our world, try to slice it into pieces we can manage, and how large - and how gently amused - it remains in spite of us.
  • tenor envy: because I knew I wished I were a tenor long before I understood anything else about my gender.
  • trilobites with eyes on stalks: trilobites are extinct marine woodlice. They lived in shallow oceans; most of them were benthic - they lived on the surface of the ocean floor. Some were infaunal: they burrowed. Most infaunal trilobites were blind. Some, however, had periscopic eyes on stalks. (Also? Trilobites' eyes have lenses made of calcite. Minerals have three optical axes; along two of them, calcite exhibits double refraction. Trilobites very carefully grew their eye-lenses so that the calcite crystals were oriented along the single optical axis that results in them not seeing double. If you don't think that shit is cool, I'm afraid we can't be friends. :-p)
  • unopened art supplies: because colour and joy and potential are waiting.
kaberett: Photo of a pile of old leather-bound books. (books)
... Why?

(I preface this post by noting that I have spent a good deal of the day in the kind of agony where I VERY GRUMPILY stay horizontal in bed. Hence: grumps.)

  • $lj::will_not_work_without_steam_radiator -- this one is... something of a tradition among DW devs, expressing a particular type of exasperated fondness (or, you know, just plain exasperation) with the way Brad put together the LJ codebase. And it also neatly encapsulates the way I will say "come on, you little fucker" to tools and to tyre levers, and "come on sweetheart, you can do it, aren't you a darling" to my wheelchair and to my experimental kit. (Yes, please do at this stage imagine me cooing gently to a furnace running at 1350degC in a hydrogen-rich gas mixture, because that is exactly what I am like.)
  • cavalier cookery -- no, not as in the Roundheads, as in "offhand or unceremonious". Because I cook until done; because I cook with my ears and my nose; because I add some of this and some of that. Because cooking grounds me and makes me whole. Because cooking is part and parcel with the culture I've been very carefully handed.
  • headology -- lit. "study of heads". Source: Discworld. Burrowing in people's heads - in your own head - in a very practical get-your-hands-dirty sort of a way.
  • lumps of rock -- I'm a geologist. It's what we do.
  • stories with dragons in -- fierce or friendly or both. Because I like to be taken out of my head, and to other places, and I like curling up and being told stories. Because the world is stranger and more beautiful than I will ever fully grasp.
kaberett: Toph making a rock angel (toph-rockangel)
11. What features do you think Dreamwidth should have that it doesn't currently?

Oh, goodness, I don't know. I've punted everything I want into suggestions/[site community profile] dw_suggestions.


Manchester is so beautiful that I cannot even.

And the train on the way back -- oh, my heart. I meant to write about this a little last time -- maybe I did, I can't remember -- about how, more than anything else, I feel like the academic portion of the last five years has taught me to see. I look at bedrock slipping out from underneath grass, pushing up behind trees, and it is - not friendly, but familiar: I see it and I read it and I understand, a little more, about the ground I'm standing on.

Trains are great. Trains take me through cuttings, and they take me past gorse-in-bloom against bright-blue-sky; past drystone walls and hills; past rainstorms with wind turbines silhouetted against them and starkly white beyond their edges; past lambs and cherry trees dripping blossom and tulips and daffodils lurking in the sidings. I - yes. I love this land, this earth.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (swiss army gender)

Superimposed male/Mars, female/Venus and trans gender symbols, with Swiss army knife tools distributed in the extra space around the edges.


I can't even remember how I first came across it - on a trans-activist flyer, somewhere, probably, several years ago - and I've been using it as my default icon pretty much everywhere more-or-less ever since.

And I thought: yes yes yes. Because: I'm trans, but I twitch at the binarism, the male-or-female, the these-are-your-choices of the traditional gender symbols; I don't think of "male" and "female" as fixed endpoints encompassing the entire range of an immutable gender spectrum so much as culturally-legible reference points. Yes, this sounds wanky, but bear with me --

-- because part of what I love so much about this image is that, for me, it says all that, but it says it wryly, with raised eyebrows, in the full knowledge that it's taking the concept of gender and spinning abstract theories off it like so much spider silk -- and it grounds it: gotta get out of bed, get a hammer and a nail/learn how to use my hands/not just my head, I'll think myself into jail/now I know a refuge never grows/from a chin in a hand in a thoughtful pose/gotta tend the earth if you want a rose...

I always carry a penknife in my pocket. My wheelchair bag contains tyre levers, a mini bike pump, hex keys in imperial and metric, and a spare inner. I'm a blue-skies academic, but I'm also a geologist: I know where my hammer is, and I know how to use it. Gender isn't just an interesting thought experiment for me: I get my hands dirty, I make mistakes, I find bits I forgot about that are badly in need of props.

About ten months ago (wow, is that all?), [personal profile] enemyofperfect told me that the artist is Luka Delaney, via one of [personal profile] synecdochic's celebrate Monday posts. And then I was sad, because the way Luka captions this image is:

I am very offended that the existing symbol for transgenderism only includes three groups (Male, Female and Intersex). I feel that, for a group that has suffered as much oppression as the Transgender Rights Movement, they could be a LITTLE more inclusive of those of us who don't fit into the Trinary.

To that effect, I have designed a new model for the Transgenderism logo. As you can see, mine includes several new categories for gender identifications that have previously been ignored. I believe these additions will prove quite handy for the Movement in general.

-- but: I'm going to keep using it, because (flippantly) the author is dead, or more practically because: this icon is recognisable as me, now, and my meanings are layered on top of those Luka imparts to it. You can see through, in places, to be sure; but I am going to take this image that spoke to me, and I am going to make it part of myself. Turning mockery and cruelty into love is hard and unforgiving work, but that, at least, is nothing new.
kaberett: A sleeping koalasheep (Avatar: the Last Airbender), with the dreamwidth logo above. (dreamkoalasheep)
9. Are there two people on your reading list that you think should meet?

I am grumpily unconvinced by this one - I think public introductions are incredibly high-pressure and generally a rubbish thing to do to people - and even a list of people I think are awesome and worth subscribing to inevitably means I will miss people off. SO INSTEAD let us have a tiny subscription meme: introduce yourself in one alliterative sentence (if you feel like playing a game, and don't bother with the alliteration if you don't) and then feel free to expand (minus the alliteration) in conversation. I like it when you lot talk!


I am teeth-grinding and nightmaring and insomnia-ing. Slightly to my surprise, this appears to be the form my pre-period mood crash is taking this month; "surprise" because I'm not used to it being this mild. On the downside, this means that back-of-enveloping it, I'm... kind of due to be in pain and misery during Finals, but hey, what can you do, if I'm lucky stress and the vagaries of a slightly irregular cycle will see me through, and if not I shall just take LOTS OF DRUGS.
kaberett: A sleeping koalasheep (Avatar: the Last Airbender), with the dreamwidth logo above. (dreamkoalasheep)
(Still from [personal profile] finch's list of questions/prompts.)

[community profile] vaginapagina, obviously, because it's my baby ;) But it is getting intermittent updates from people who aren't me, and we are getting some discussion in comments, so!

Seeing more activity in [site community profile] dw_dev_training would make me happy, because I like babydevs and I like it when people feel confident enough to ask questions.

Obviously I'd always like more activity in [community profile] white_lotus, because that means more on-DW activity in the fandom of my heaaaaaaaart ;-)

[community profile] nuggan always brightens my day when it gets updated, so that too!


Manchester is REALLY LOVELY you guys, I had never visited before (at least not since germination) and it is SO PRETTY. I am REALLY enjoying it.

Also I got namechecked in the [site community profile] dw_news post! I am a bit ♥_______♥ about this, seriously, because wow. And it reminds me that I really should get around to making my list of ways I volunteer for Dreamwidth that don't involve coding, because I suspect that could be useful/of interest to other people... actually, it might go into This One Other Essay I am contemplating writing. Hmmmmmm.
kaberett: A sleeping koalasheep (Avatar: the Last Airbender), with the dreamwidth logo above. (dreamkoalasheep)
I put together a recs post recently; does that mean I can cheat on this one? ;)

-- by which I mean: my favourite community on Dreamwidth is, well, Dreamwidth. I love the diffuse, unstructured communities we build among ourselves: there's the web of people I know offline, the web I know via fandom and love memes and activism and counselling and support, the web I know via Dreamwidth development and #dreamwidth, and - you are all so thoughtful and incisive and encouraging and fundamentally lovely, and I look at my access and subscription lists and I draw the lines between us (and the ones I'd like to draw) and I bask, gently, in how we're connected and how we reach out to each other and how we move over to make space.

You're great. ♥
kaberett: A green origami stegosaurus (origami stegosaurus)
(Still from [personal profile] finch's list of 21 prompts.)

I'm... not sure there is, really. I'm generally very open about most things, I think; even the one that springs to mind - that I'm not as cool as I pretend to be, that I'm more insecure than I present as, that I care more than I let on - is, I think, a mixture of, well, rampant impostor syndrome and self-delusion.

Because, well, I do talk about insecurity, though amusingly I wish I could do it better; I'm not pretending to be cool, I am authentically myself and that someone is Actually Pretty Kickass a lot of the time; and I think you know that I care -- about poetry, about music, about fannishness, about my people, about sharing the things I've learned the hard way so some of you can get there along a slightly easier path.

Perhaps what I actually mean is "I don't trust easily". I've talked recently about not really trusting myself, and that being the major block to meditation as a thing itself for me; and it's not that I don't think you're wonderful, don't think you're safe, don't want to trust you. I think it's this: that I am scared to ask for help, still, in ways that aren't structured; that I'm scared to show myself vulnerable and give people the responsibility of taking care of me. I have an absolute horror of making people feel obliged to look after me, and a lot of the time that keeps me from asking at all - but I can't find it very difficult to trust unreservedly without knowing that I'll be safe if I fall to pieces in front of you.

The realisation that I think my counsellor has been pushing me towards for the entire time she's known me? That I like helping people, and making sense of the world for them, because maybe if I do it enough I'll learn to/someone will do it for me. Which - is not the whole story, and is kind of twisted in its way (oh, but tiny child, let me hug you and love you and make you safe--), but is interesting to bring to bear on the matter of why and how I get so much out of this, and how I can get better at it, for others and myself.

-- so I've once again circled back around to trust, of myself and of others; this is something I'm going to have to spend some time working through this year. And it will be hard, and it will take time, but that's okay. I don't have to decipher myself all in one go.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Well, that's an excellent excuse to talk about the magnificent 48 hours I've had. ;)

Yesterday, I slept a lot. I visited [livejournal.com profile] high_fantastical, and we flailed happily about perfume; and then I went down to London. And I ate food, and eventually we went upstairs to the tiny gig room, and -- oh, and. Music. Live music, and I always forget this, is one of the other ways to move me into feeling rather than doing - to step outside analysis, to give myself to the moment and the movement and the sound.

The opener was Misogyny Central; but then we had Dave Hughes & The Renegade Folk Punk Band and - oh, oh, they sang to me about Larkin; how could I but fall in love with them? They sang to me about Larkin and about writing and about identity and about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and about music and - oh, my heart, my heart.

And then. Then the Indelicates, launching their latest album, Diseases of England (which contains Not Alone - last night was the first time I heard it - and also Class, which begins a school of gothic arches and a college of them too/and a parliament that looks and feels the same..., and it is on youtube with their glorious video and you should watch it, because they are fantastic) and oh but they did so much that I love. You're too clever to be mentally ill, I shouted along with them, cider in hand, and be afraid of your parents/be afraid of their clever friends/I've read this book before, and darling -/I can tell you how it ends.../be afraid of the line they teach you/be afraid of the way it goes/you'd be amazed at what you can raise/to something everybody knows...

And they did Our Daughters Will Never Be Free, and they did oh so much that was glorious, and behind them on the stage was my fantastic, fantastic friend and her drums (hi! feel free to identify yourself in comments! i am just not sure whether you have talked about this publically and am too sleepy to go ferretting ♥), and - yes. (I still believe in the need for guitars and drums and desperate poetry.)

So much fantastic music. So many wonderful people. ♥

and I came home, and - and this does involve the computer - I worked on some stuff for DW, and various other bits and bobs, and I fell asleep - and then, this morning, I:
- picked up my post;
- dropped off a repeat prescription request (so much of my life is healthwork; I've run out of one set of tablets, a non-serious type; will run out of another by the time I get to pick up my refills next week; and have only 8 days' supply of citalopram left, which is the closest I've ever got to running out and is a little bit scary in terms of what it means about how much the project was taking out of me);
- stared at the sunshine and the graffiti and the trees and my city;
- ate food, and washed up, and packed;
- and got on a train oop t'Norf, where I'm curled up on a sofa with the Moon shining in on me (and it is at times like this that I think about what I've done with respect to selenology, and I am bowled voer by the things I know about it, and by what I see).

Trains are a big part of my life; last night, on the way to the gig, Chris and I ended up working out how many Wise Guys songs are about trains (at least four). Trains scare me, a bit, but I love them and can't not - the motion and the rails and the everything; the taking me places; the hills and the drystone walls I get to see; the... everything. It broke my heart and put it back together, to be travelling through high ground and moorland and the country, and it makes me wonder what on Earth I think I'm doing planning to move to London when I so clearly belong somewhere with skyline and bedrock and - then I disappear into I Go To The Hills When My Heart Is Lonely, and everyone's frankly a bit embarrassed to know me.

So. What do I do away from the computer? Healthwork, both of the physical variety and mental housekeeping. Cooking and eating and enjoying food. Reading - I did quite a lot of that today. Interacting with my mum (today it was on the phone) and with people I love (HI GUYS). Living in my body and in the world. Music. Loving. Things like that, you know.
kaberett: A sleeping koalasheep (Avatar: the Last Airbender), with the dreamwidth logo above. (dreamkoalasheep)
Heads-up! Over in [site community profile] dw_dev_training I've put together a list of babydev bait - open bugs that don't require any pre-existing familiarity with the codebase, etc. Please go on over and join the party if you've been considering it. <3


4. What do you do online when you're not on DW?
  • IRC! I spend lots of time hanging out in dreamwidth IRC. That counts, right? ;)
  • Research. Of the Forming Opinions On Mass Extinctions variety, and similar.
  • VaginaPagina. (What? It's not all on DW, it totally counts.)
  • Ravelry, increasingly, these days.
  • BPAL.org forums, ditto.
  • Writing fic! Researching fic! Reading fic! Mostly at AO3 these days, for all its faults.
  • Cooking blogs! Only since I added the Smitten Kitchen feed I am mostly only checking Pioneer Woman Cooks irregularly off-DW, and, erm, that manages to regularly annoy me with its tee-hee-aren't-we-naughty attitude to calories.
  • ... recently, trawling the depths of eBay and Etsy and sharing the results, to collective horror and delight.
  • ... probably more, but do you know what, it's 4am and I've just had a fabulous evening involving fabulous live music PERFORMED IN PART BY MY FABULOUS FRIENDS <333 and I am slightly drunk and have just contributed time to DW and NOW via PACKING I shall go to BED and SLEEP and it will be GREAT.

xx
kaberett: Toph making a rock angel (toph-rockangel)
I am curled up in my pyjamas eating home-made raspberry trifle (including some of our own raspberries, frozen in years gone by) dropped off for me by my mum yesterday.


Mostly, yes. I have been experimenting with not, for my other Three Weeks For Dreamwidth posts since Monday (I'll be posting a round-up on Saturday, LJ folks), but actually much as I would like to move across to DW solely (-- all else aside, LJ is about to make the friends' page unreadable for me) I know lots of lovely people who are LJ-only, or predominantly-LJ, and I want to keep in touch with them (you) more than I want to be an idealogue about my blogging platform, by and large. ;) (Plus I'm aware that some of you have Definite Reasons for not-DW, rather than lock-in/inertia, and while I'm okay challenging the latter I am not okay stamping all over people in re the former.)


I'm kind of embarrassed by how much I love the BPAL perfume "Appalling Abattoir", but it is delicious.

I'm really enjoying the likely oh-so-brief break from terror.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
(Still from [personal profile] finch's list of 21 questions.)

Because I was choosing new names for myself.

Because German is my first language.

Because I sing.

Because "Kabarett" carries specific connotations of cabaret as a form of political satire.

Because goodness knows I'm plenty political.

Because I'm entirely too fond of anagrams and multilingual jokes.

Because it's perfect.


I've a post that will be going up on the LashBlog sometime soonish, about names and "reality". And it boils down to this: all of my names are chosen, and all of my names are real. kaberett is as much my name as the one on my prescription pre-payment certificate; my life online is as real as my life offline, and separating the two is an... interesting task, and I wish you luck with it.

The big tattoo I want to get is white ink: bricks (yes, as per The Wall) up my back, turning into jigsaw pieces at my sides and around onto my chest (which part will have to wait until post-surgery).

I'm building myself (back) up; I'm putting myself (back) together. I'm not ever going to be done, of course, but that's part of the joy of it.

Profile

kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
kaberett

March 2017

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