PTSD, coping mechanisms, self harm

[kaberett]

Content notes per the subject line.

So as I've been learning more about mindfulness, I've started finding it easier to reach for mindfulness-based techniques when I go into an anxiety attack: take five deep breaths; do a three-minute meditation; list ten good things.

But "easier" isn't "easy" and definitely isn't "always", and it is still the case that very often the thing that will make me notice I am Not Terribly Okay is catching myself digging my nails into my hands or forearms.

I've been thinking about coping mechanisms a fair bit, recently, what between counselling being good for me and trying to work out how to live gracefully with PTSD; and it seriously only just hit me that a huge part of my compulsion to self-injure is self-soothing from panic attacks, and that's been the case for as long as I can remember.

And so I circle back around, once again, to viewing self-harm as a value-neutral tool.

Comments

[wordweaverlynn]

IMX, the serious pain of surgery (in my case, open abdominal surgery for a tumor the size of a cantaloupe) actually helped me cope with PTSD for a while.

The tension/pain/relief cycle can be played out in a number of different ways. Some kinds of self-harm are more socially acceptable than others, and some are less damaging than others. Finding something that soothes but doesn't scar is the challenge.

I think for me pain ends the suspense. The anticipation is the worst part. And when it's over, you know you're safe for a while.

[worlds_of_smoke]

God, yeah. The pain from open abdominal surgery is one of the only pains I've flat out blacked out from. The other one is rupturing ovarian cysts.

I think that, for me, I just get to a point where I have SO MUCH pain that I just flat out do not have the energy to actually actively cope with MI. I'm using every damn spoon I have to deal with the physical situation and I end up disconnecting from the MI situation. It's still there, but there's a distance that allows me to go "ugh, not dealing with you" and I cope that way. (And I do think that's a way to cope.)

I don't worry too much about the scarring, because the focus of my SI is something that would naturally scar anyways, plus it's not scarring that anyone would actually see.* I just got to the point where having to deal with the infections and other complications that come with the disease wasn't worth the soothing that the SI gave me anymore. It's just that, now, I'm left with nothing to focus my SI on until I get another cyst. (And, tbh, I'm really going to try to break the whole "SI by digging at cysts" thing because this surgery has gone SO BAD and I really do not want to fucking do this shit again.)

and yes, I absolutely grok the whole "pain ending the suspense" thing, especially since my body is weird and will give me random levels of pain for the same thing on different days. Sometimes having a consistent "If I do X, I will have Y level of pain" is very soothing. It makes me feel like I have some sort of control over something having to do with my disabilities.

(* I had surgery for hidradenitis suppurativa. The first surgery was on my breast, and this surgery was in my groin. HS tends to focus in intimate areas, so if you're not sexually active and don't like running around naked, you can very easily hide it. That's part of the reason I ended up focusing there.)

[wordweaverlynn]

That sounds like no fun at all. I have chronic eczema, currently confined (hallelujah) to a 6x5 patch on my right ankle and instep. Always itchy, often very painful, but hey, my hands don't currently look like I set them on fire. (Still scarred, though.)

[worlds_of_smoke]

Yeah, it sucks ass. I don't have it as bad as my brothers or Dad, though. -knock on wood- Men tend to get it on their face and both my brothers have it along their hairline. It's also a problem exacerbated by thick or curly hair and both brothers have both, so their scarring is really bad along the hairline. And, ofc, neither will actually get treatment for it. >.< (I got lucky and got Mom's practically nonexistent thin hair. :p)

I have eczema too, but luckily, that one's easy to keep under control for me since it's super minor. -knock on wood- It drives me insane when it's flaring up, though, because the itch never. fucking. stops. I usually catch it before a patch gets too big and then I cream the hell out of it until it fucks off.