I am delighted to present to you today this account of our investigations on the subject of precipitation. The research team comprised myself,
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noldo and
mustela_nivalis; I acted as primary fieldworker due to my ability to pass unsuspected among the natives, of both Angle and Saxon origin (though we note that our conviction that the custom of intermarriage has been carried out so assiduously that no real distinction between these groups can be made). In experimental design we took great care to avoid unduly biasing the result: our population surveys used such innocuous techniques as
striking up conversations about the weather, making sure to employ only culturally-neutral terms such as "hot", "dry", "wet" and "pissing it down".
The Britisch institution of the "
Met Office" (previously Meteorological Office, established in 1854) and the quasi-religious ritual of the "
Shipping Forecast" form the focus of a cultural obsession. Indeed the
Poet Laureate, one Carol Ann Duffy, was appointed to the post following publication of her poem
Prayer: the final couplet references the aforementioned Shipping Forecast, reflecting a conservative and totalitarian attitude to religious praxis within this nation-state.
These observations indicate that the cultural pastimes of "discussing the weather" and "listening to the forecast", while superficially innocuous or secular, betray a deep and abiding preoccupation with the prevailing atmospheric conditions, with particular emphasis on the phenomenon of "rain". We draw this conclusion in part due to the wide range of biological terms used to describe liquid precipitation: ranging in intensity from "spitting" to "pissing", accompanied by a variety of descriptors less intensely focussed on bodily functions, we estimate that Britischers have in common currency as many as
forty-two distinct words describing precipitation in its liquid form.
The verdant and misty island inhabited by these curious peoples possesses a maritime climate; ergo, runs the widely-accepted causal relationship, the unhealthy cultural focus on rain to be found among these natives. Naturally we do not seek to pass value judgments on the local customs; this notwithstanding, medical literature is filled with descriptions of the negative effects on childhood growth and lung development resulting from damp environments. We wish to highlight the famous case study of the man who was "not depressed, just British [
sic]" (
Utne Reader, 2005).
We propose a new sociological model in which
rain plays a more nuanced role. In particular, we note that the prevailing mythology of the natives,
Christianity (Anglicanism), contains a pivotal event in which a deluge floods the entire world; the receding of the flood waters is accompanied by a rainbow, which in other areas where this religion is practised is interpreted as a promise of hope for the future. Field work suggests that the common exegesis within the Britisch Islets differs significantly: in that it is not the rainbow that is the sign of hope, but the
rain itself, delivered to
wash away the sins of the world, in congruence with later imagery associated with
baptism.
We here suggest that the Britischers have developed folk mythology that enables them to interpret local climate as an indication that they are "blessed by God" (c.f.
Jerusalem, William Blake, 1804). We believe that this long-standing belief was in fact the driving force behind "missionary zeal" and "colonialism": the primary concern was clearly not Christianity
per se, nor even natural resources (for many countries inconvenienced by the expeditions of these primitive folk are in fact arid), but rather the fervent commitment of the Britischers to spreading the Word regarding the power of
rain.
This brief letter represents a significant step forward in understanding the feedbacks between behaviour, culture and climate within the Britisch Islets: we welcome further discussion on this burning issue.
