my degree via the medium of pop
May. 3rd, 2013 06:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberettThese are the songs I listened to endlessly. This is the music that kept me safe through the nights. Content note: I spent a lot of my degree depressed, and in various states of suicidal. This isn't incompatible with me having had a fantastic and enriching time but it does mean that a lot of these songs aren't easy. Some of my accompanying writing gets quite graphic about this.
And, really, this is one of the things I find strangest, I think: that I can look back on a time period, and say "yes, I had an absolutely fantastic time, I did all these brilliant things" - or I can say "yep, during those three weeks the way I made myself feel safe was, every time I walked into a room, I scoped out possible suicide methods," and both are true. (I expect some of you will be horrified, and some of you will be nodding in recognition - be it wry or an ache of the heart - and I say to you: we are not alone.)
1. Frank Turner -- Reasons Not To Be An Idiot
Once upon a time, someone who claimed to care for me - someone I cared for a lot - gave me this song, because I was depressed. (His reaction to me hauling myself out of that particular bad patch, and into self-esteem, was... predictably poor, with hindsight.) At the time, it said some of what I needed to hear; the line "she's scared her life won't leave any traces/kind of like everyone else" has stayed one I can use to track my mental health, because when I'm bad I'm scared that my life will leave traces, and when I'm well I laugh at it, and Amy's invisible llamas.
I don't want to pretend to be better than I was.
2. Frank Turner -- Faithful Son
I was terrified of who I was and what I was going to have to do. But I survived, and I'm here, and I'm me. (And I still believe in the need/for guitars and drums and desperate poetry/I still believe that everyone/can find a song for every time they've lost/and every time they've won/so just remember, folks/we're not just saving lives/we're saving souls/and we're having fun/and I still believe--/now who'd've thought that after all/something as simple/as rock 'n' roll would save us all?/now who'd've thought, after all/something so simple, something so small/who'd've thought that after all/it was rock n roll, he sings, and that was there too.)
3. Ani DiFranco -- Grey
... and, of course, the Barenaked Ladies: they put a net there to catch their fall/like that'll stop anyone at all/what they don't know is/when nature calls, you go...
4. P!nk -- Fuckin' Perfect
Content notes for graphic abuse, self harm, disordered eating in the video.
Inasmuch as anything got me through the nights of November and December of 2011, and January of 2012, it was P!nk and it was Freshlyground.
And this - this was when I started getting better. And P!nk, oh P!nk, I know what you think about anti-depressants, but they are why I am here now, me now, and you helped me get there, and for that I thank you, and I wish I could explain this to you.
5a. Indigo Girls -- Closer to Fine
5b. Virginia Jetzt! -- ein ganzer sommer
First the lightning
followed by thunder
and at the end - the sun.
Yes, first comes the lightning
followed by thunder
and at the end, the whole of the summer...
5c. Wise Guys -- Juli
If it were July, I'd ask you out for ice-cream;
if it were July, we'd go swimming in the lake at night;
if it were July, we'd drink champagne in the woods;
if it were July, I'd go down on my knees in front of you.
...
... and when July arrives, I'll already be afraid of the fall.
... loosely. And it's sweetly wryly only half-joking, and I am sweetly wryly only half-joking. I'm looking forward to July, to breathing space, to the ending and the beginning; and I'm looking forward to autumn, which is another liminal space. I'm a little scared, and a little daunted, but if you've got my back/I'll go on.
We're not alone, and we're wicked girls saving ourselves.
♥
And, really, this is one of the things I find strangest, I think: that I can look back on a time period, and say "yes, I had an absolutely fantastic time, I did all these brilliant things" - or I can say "yep, during those three weeks the way I made myself feel safe was, every time I walked into a room, I scoped out possible suicide methods," and both are true. (I expect some of you will be horrified, and some of you will be nodding in recognition - be it wry or an ache of the heart - and I say to you: we are not alone.)
1. Frank Turner -- Reasons Not To Be An Idiot
You're not as messed up as you think you are
Your self-absorption makes you messier
Just settle down and you would feel a whole lot better
Deep down you're just like everybody else...
Once upon a time, someone who claimed to care for me - someone I cared for a lot - gave me this song, because I was depressed. (His reaction to me hauling myself out of that particular bad patch, and into self-esteem, was... predictably poor, with hindsight.) At the time, it said some of what I needed to hear; the line "she's scared her life won't leave any traces/kind of like everyone else" has stayed one I can use to track my mental health, because when I'm bad I'm scared that my life will leave traces, and when I'm well I laugh at it, and Amy's invisible llamas.
I don't want to pretend to be better than I was.
2. Frank Turner -- Faithful Son
Lately, I've been feeling kind of fragile
Lately, I've been feeling all worn out
What would any of us do if all the dreams we had came true?
What would there be left to dream about?
[...]
This is no confession now, yeah, this is who I am
You made me in your image so you have to understand
That I did my best as told and so've become
Your loving and your faithful only son.
I was terrified of who I was and what I was going to have to do. But I survived, and I'm here, and I'm me. (And I still believe in the need/for guitars and drums and desperate poetry/I still believe that everyone/can find a song for every time they've lost/and every time they've won/so just remember, folks/we're not just saving lives/we're saving souls/and we're having fun/and I still believe--/now who'd've thought that after all/something as simple/as rock 'n' roll would save us all?/now who'd've thought, after all/something so simple, something so small/who'd've thought that after all/it was rock n roll, he sings, and that was there too.)
3. Ani DiFranco -- Grey
But as bad as I am
I'm proud of the fact
That I'm worse than I seem
... and, of course, the Barenaked Ladies: they put a net there to catch their fall/like that'll stop anyone at all/what they don't know is/when nature calls, you go...
4. P!nk -- Fuckin' Perfect
Content notes for graphic abuse, self harm, disordered eating in the video.
Inasmuch as anything got me through the nights of November and December of 2011, and January of 2012, it was P!nk and it was Freshlyground.
... It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same, oh
Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than
Fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me
And this - this was when I started getting better. And P!nk, oh P!nk, I know what you think about anti-depressants, but they are why I am here now, me now, and you helped me get there, and for that I thank you, and I wish I could explain this to you.
5a. Indigo Girls -- Closer to Fine
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
5b. Virginia Jetzt! -- ein ganzer sommer
Zuerst kommt der Blitz
Dann kommt der Donner
Und am Ende kommt die Sonne
Zuerst kommt der Blitz
Dann kommt der Donner
Und am Ende ein ganzer Sommer...
First the lightning
followed by thunder
and at the end - the sun.
Yes, first comes the lightning
followed by thunder
and at the end, the whole of the summer...
5c. Wise Guys -- Juli
Wenn jetzt schon Juli wär', würd' ich dich zu 'nem Eis einladen,
wenn jetzt schon Juli wär', würden wir nachts im Baggersee baden.
Wenn jetzt schon Juli wär', würden wir im Wald Champagner trinken,
wenn jetzt schon Juli wär', würd' ich vor dir auf die Knie sinken.
...
wenn dann der Juli kommt, hätt' ich schon wieder Angst vor dem Herbst.
If it were July, I'd ask you out for ice-cream;
if it were July, we'd go swimming in the lake at night;
if it were July, we'd drink champagne in the woods;
if it were July, I'd go down on my knees in front of you.
...
... and when July arrives, I'll already be afraid of the fall.
... loosely. And it's sweetly wryly only half-joking, and I am sweetly wryly only half-joking. I'm looking forward to July, to breathing space, to the ending and the beginning; and I'm looking forward to autumn, which is another liminal space. I'm a little scared, and a little daunted, but if you've got my back/I'll go on.
We're not alone, and we're wicked girls saving ourselves.
♥