honestly what is it with this person and vegetable matter

[kaberett]

noldo: also face I am informed by translation of lyrics that the song I am listening to is about vampire watermelons
noldo: and vampire polenta
noldo: and I feel like you need to know that
kaberett: ...
kaberett: thank you
kaberett: I am delight
noldo: ...you've heard of the vampire watermelons before
noldo: right
noldo: "But it is thought that they cannot do great damage to folk, so people are not very afraid of this kind of vampire."
kaberett: ...
kaberett: ...
noldo: face
noldo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_pumpkins_and_watermelons
noldo: you're glad you know me
noldo: ...is such a _crap_ sort of vampire
noldo: how do you get menaced by pumpkins
noldo: what do they _do_
kaberett: yes face I love you
kaberett: squelch sadly at your ankles
noldo: THAT IS NOT AWFULLY MENACING
noldo: ALSO IF YOU STOMP ON THEM THEY BECOME TOO DISINTEGRATED TO SQUELCH AT YOU
noldo: ...
noldo: given the number of Hindu religious rituals that involve smashing pumpkins with extreme prejudice
noldo: maybe the Balkans were onto something with this one

noldo: PUMPKINS: THE TRUE OPPRESSOR
noldo: ...
noldo: by the time I'm 40 I'm going to have a conspiracy theory about every single vegetable in existence, aren't I
kaberett: yes
noldo: RIGHT
noldo: BETTER GET CRACKING THEN
kaberett: face
noldo: HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT BEETROOT, I WONDER
kaberett: I do not think
kaberett: this will actually
kaberett: require
kaberett: any especial effort
kaberett: on your part
kaberett: ...
kaberett: I've met you
noldo: you _know_ how many vegetables there are out there, right?
noldo: by the time I get through every single fucking variety of spinach in India I'm going to be sixty
noldo: anyway
noldo: pumpkins
noldo: they would bite you and draw your blood
noldo: only they don't got teeth
noldo: so they enlist the help of the blood service
kaberett: ...
kaberett: ...
kaberett: ...
noldo: THIS IS WHY BLOOD DRIVES
noldo: IT'S THE PUMPKINS
noldo: I'M NEVER DONATING BLOOD AGAIN
kaberett: ...
kaberett: this is going on DW
kaberett: jsyk
noldo: oh god
noldo: you realise at this rate
noldo: everyone on DW is going to think I am some sort of tinhat nutter wait never mind carry on
noldo: if the shoe fits etc etc

[previously: Antarctic onion-herding, citrus fruit grow underground, perplexed clementines, multilingual list of edible plants that are evil and must be destroyed, mangoes, potatoes, bonus sharks okay those aren't actually vegetables]

Comments

[noldo]

I am THIS CLOSE to going out and buying a pumpkin so I can leave it on the table and watch it with an eagle eye

IF I HAVE IT THEN THE INNOCENTS ON THE STREET ARE SAFE FROM YET ANOTHER NIGHT OF CUCURBITACEOUS TERROR

wait oh god are cucumbers vampires too

shit I ate one today

[kaberett]

that's okay it means you won

YOU GOT IT FIRST

...

please go buy a pumpkin and draw a face on it

[kaberett]

[I report discussion Elsewhere of this posting]

noldo: ...
kaberett: have return'd
kaberett: "noldo is busy expressing bafflement at the idea that they ever improve anyone's life"
kaberett: "via the expressive medium of ellipses"
noldo: ...
kaberett: precisely
noldo: ...
kaberett: f yr nt crfl wll nvr vwl agn
kaberett: ...
kaberett: SHT
noldo: ...
noldo: HAH
noldo: YOU LOST

[... and then we meander off into a discussion of other stupid ways to communicate]

[lnr]

I ♥ noldo.

Ps Beetroot: it's a conspiracy to dye things purple! Which is a good thing, right?

[sorrillia]

See, you should present this as a moral argument for vegetarianism! The vegetables are out to get us; we need to eat them first!

[noldo]

but I did not stake it

I did eat a lot of garlic at lunch though so I might be fine wait did I ever tell you about the Hungarian vampires and the paprika

...

PUMPKINS ARE EXPENSIVE AND NOBODY IN MY HOUSE WILL EAT THEM

also drawing a face on one is a lot of permanent marker

[sorrillia]

I believe I am obligated to point out that you caused me to Lose the Game, noldo.

[sorrillia]

Wait, what is the deal with the paprika? This is important information!

*Has three varieties of paprika in its kitchen.*

[pseudomonas]

yeah, but it can be unsettling if you ate beetroot a couple of meals ago and then forgot about it.

[sorrillia]

I feel obligated to point out to Dreamwidth that--until someone ruined it a month or two ago--my bicycle helmet was covered in aluminium foil for the last six years to keep the Caltech student government from reading my thoughts.

Whereas I think I have never seen noldo wearing any sort of garment--headcovering or otherwise--made of aluminium or other metal foils.

[noldo]

Does body glitter count?

[sorrillia]

I do not think body glitter counts as a garment. Just as an abomination that gets everywhere, and is to be fled in terror from, like Easter-basket grass made of strips of saran-wrap.

[kaberett]

i am still shedding glitter from the gig I did OVER A WEEK AGO

[noldo]

awwwww

I genuinely like body glitter

...based on certain interpretations of Twilight I once came up with, I think that makes me as much of a vampire as the pumpkins

[sorrillia]

I don't like sticky things, and things that get on things, in general. (See also my being driven insane by certain mutual acquaintances' tendencies to stick fruit stickers on random things. And people) Stickiness is scary.

*Suddenly realizes why there seemed to be little flakes of glitter everywhere senior year.*

So, the Medieval Grad Student apparently has a sibling who, due to paleness, sparkles in bright sunlight. We suspect it might be a Twilight vampire, too. *Becomes concerned about what universe is living in. Doesn't want it to be that one.*

[noldo]

The glitter was probably my fault, given that I think I own glitter products targeted at basically any part of the anatomy one would reasonably want to put glitter on. Sorry.

My only other remark is: "EDWARD, I CANNOT MARRY YOU BECAUSE MY STANDARDS OF ATTRACTIVENESS ARE TOO GENDERNORMATIVE TO ACCEPT A MAN WHO WEARS THAT MUCH BODY GLITTER."

[sorrillia]

It's okay. It was not nearly so annoying as the fruit stickers. Just really, really perplexing, because I couldn't imagine where it could be coming from.

I did not realize that glitter products were targeted at distinct parts of the anatomy. And suspect I do not want to know the full list of parts of the anatomy that marketers think it worthwhile to target them at...

[azurelunatic]

One of the denizens of Elsewhere loses the game every time I get an earworm.

... this happens a lot.

[azurelunatic]

I happen to possess glitter eyeliner.

Of all the anatomically-targeted glitter products, I believe that glitter nail polish is least likely to transfer to previously-uninvolved parts of anyone's anatomy, clothing, furniture, and/or dwelling ... at least once fully set and dried.

[sorrillia]

Until you spill some acetone on your hands and then it's all over the lab...

[azurelunatic]

Those pesky solvents.

[mustela_nivalis]

Wait how many of these purported varieties of spinach are in fact various non-spinach greens? Also watermelon is a fruit. Should we worry about those, too?

[steorra]

(This is probably the right place to nest this...)

I can't help being reminded of Carrot Juice is Murder, by The Arrogant Worms (Lyrics here), which I'm not actually sure I *like*, but it is definitely memorable.