Getting free

[kaberett]

• On Getting Free, by Mia McKenzie at Black Girl Dangerous
  
• you're made of memories you bury or live by (Vienna Teng)
  
• who only by moving can balance,/only by balancing move | here is temporarily who I am (Michael Donaghy both)
  
• you're growing old so young (Stars)

The thing I learned, that I needed to survive, was to make myself small. (I have talked before about the monstrosity inherent in learning to read and mould interactions; about how uncomfortable it makes people; about how it's a skill we learn because it is necessary.)

I learned that I was too loud and too messy and too opinionated and too much and too me. I learned to be silent and I learned to keep my hurts to myself and I learned not to trust people and I learned not to ever ask for help. I learned that I damaged people by existing. I did my best to make myself not exist.

It helped me survive.

It will not help me to get free.

Comments

[silverhare]

I could have written every bit of that. *solidarity* I learned to make myself as 'not-there' as possible, and it's so hard to unlearn.

[kaberett]

And so much of it is lies. This is the thing: I've started to unlearn it in contexts where power differentials are clearly defined, in that if someone is supposed to be teaching me then it is my responsibility to tell them I do not understand and to ask for help. In negotiating other stuff, though... yeah, not so much. And it is those bits - the interpersonal peer-interaction bits - that I'm going to be focussing on.

[alexseanchai]

*hugs?*

[untonuggan]

♥

I understand this more than I think either of us wish. Thank you for posting this.

[darklightshades]

I know I'm usually just a quiet lurker (something I'm going to try and change with the new year) but I just wanted you to know that I always, always read your posts and have taken away so much insight and pleasure from your words. Your voice has truly made a difference to me, so never believe that the world would be better off if you didn't exist. Your strength and courage has been such a source of inspiration over the years I've known you, and I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that. ♥

I completely understand about looking for freedom. Here's to both of us being able to find it eventually. :3

[kaberett]

<3! Thank you, so much.

[vass]

I learned that I was too loud and too messy and too opinionated and too much and too me.

Oh God yes. Do you find that how much is "too much" is gendered, for you? The first time I ever dressed in drag (i.e. in boy mode) was the first time I ever didn't feel like I was too messy, like I was failing to live up to an impossible neatness standard. (And racialised, of course - my curly, frizzy hair is part of why I can't live up to that standard. Not without straightening it, which is a whole additional tangle of issues.)

And if women are socialised to take up too little space, and men are socialised never to question how much space they take up (and hence take up too much) then to be neither male nor female means to need to think hard about my space needs and those of others'.

[davidgillon]

The thing I learned, that I needed to survive, was to make myself small.

Oh, Hell, revelation time.

My initial reaction was 'I don't think I ever learnt that', and that remains true in certain contexts and probably feeds into some of the issues I had at work. But I just looked at it again and realised it does apply in some other contexts - I was bullied pretty extensively at school, with the specific aim of making me lose control ('hoy a mega' as the local slang had it then, 'throw a paddy' would be the modern equivalent, and I'm beginning to wonder if 'have a meltdown' would be equally applicable). And in learning to resist that, to overly control my reactions, I did make myself small. I survived, but at what cost?

Need to think about this. Thank you.

[silveradept]

I learned this, too, when the environment I thought was supportive, and that was supposed to be supportive, turned it to be very hostile instead. The way to survive was not to be noticed. And now, even though I'm in a much more supportive environment, now I have to turn my head and check to be sure.

[carthaginians]

You are infinite, dear friend. all the very best be with you.

[kafj]

What got you here won't get you there.

And learning what will get you there is so hard.

Wishing you freedom.

[ex_we935]

We're going through some of this right now and... it's difficult, trying to 'make yourself small' when there are so many complexities and feelings and everything else. *offers hugs*

~Kerry