Getting free

[kaberett]

• On Getting Free, by Mia McKenzie at Black Girl Dangerous
  
• you're made of memories you bury or live by (Vienna Teng)
  
• who only by moving can balance,/only by balancing move | here is temporarily who I am (Michael Donaghy both)
  
• you're growing old so young (Stars)

The thing I learned, that I needed to survive, was to make myself small. (I have talked before about the monstrosity inherent in learning to read and mould interactions; about how uncomfortable it makes people; about how it's a skill we learn because it is necessary.)

I learned that I was too loud and too messy and too opinionated and too much and too me. I learned to be silent and I learned to keep my hurts to myself and I learned not to trust people and I learned not to ever ask for help. I learned that I damaged people by existing. I did my best to make myself not exist.

It helped me survive.

It will not help me to get free.

Comments

[silveradept]

I learned this, too, when the environment I thought was supportive, and that was supposed to be supportive, turned it to be very hostile instead. The way to survive was not to be noticed. And now, even though I'm in a much more supportive environment, now I have to turn my head and check to be sure.