Things I've learned from counselling #11: fear comes in flavours

[kaberett]

For me there's at least two main categories, roughly analogous to two types of pain: the warning, that you're overdoing something and hurting yourself; and the sense of stretching, of building yourself stronger and surer -- which is how the apparent dichotomy between my determination to do one thing every day that scares me (and to love fiercely though not fearlessly) and my determination to listen to my hindbrain's warning systems can be resolved.

Of course it's more complicated than that and of course something can be both at once; but I've grown very familiar with variations on a theme of pain (does it impart new information or can it be safely ignored as background? is it background that I shouldn't be ignoring? can I tell why and where it originates? is it a challenge and therefore a gift, or a warning of worse to come? is it time to turn back?) and I begin to believe I might be able to become sufficiently familiar with variations on a theme of fear.

This appears to be the best I can articulate it; I've tried to think of other distinguishing features, tried to talk about fear that makes me smaller versus fear that challenges me to expand, but none of those quite feel as accurate or as true as fear as a warning versus fear as strength-in-the-making; and perhaps even that isn't right: because there is strength, too, in daring to listen to yourself that closely, and in daring to trust yourself enough to act on what you hear; but nonetheless it's what I've got for now.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

I typically avoid both fear and pain when I can. This is why I rarely do open mics or strength training. It occurs to me that my pattern on both things seems to be overdose, abandon for months, overdose, abandon for months. One open mic constitutes overdose, apparently.

And the thing is, I want to be part of the local artist community, and I want to be physically stronger, but apparently I want to avoid fear and pain more than I want the first two things. And apparently I want another twenty-dollar book more than I want twenty dollars worth of less financial fear. My priorities are Screwed Up, basically.

But I imagine a lot of the fear over the open mics is the sort analogous to the soreness of exercising just enough to strengthen, not enough to injure. (Now if only I could figure out where that point is for strength training...)

Come to think, there's an open mic at the bookstore tomorrow evening. I should call tomorrow (augh phones) and see if there's an open slot, and even if there's not, I should go.