Things I've learned from counselling #11: fear comes in flavours

[kaberett]

For me there's at least two main categories, roughly analogous to two types of pain: the warning, that you're overdoing something and hurting yourself; and the sense of stretching, of building yourself stronger and surer -- which is how the apparent dichotomy between my determination to do one thing every day that scares me (and to love fiercely though not fearlessly) and my determination to listen to my hindbrain's warning systems can be resolved.

Of course it's more complicated than that and of course something can be both at once; but I've grown very familiar with variations on a theme of pain (does it impart new information or can it be safely ignored as background? is it background that I shouldn't be ignoring? can I tell why and where it originates? is it a challenge and therefore a gift, or a warning of worse to come? is it time to turn back?) and I begin to believe I might be able to become sufficiently familiar with variations on a theme of fear.

This appears to be the best I can articulate it; I've tried to think of other distinguishing features, tried to talk about fear that makes me smaller versus fear that challenges me to expand, but none of those quite feel as accurate or as true as fear as a warning versus fear as strength-in-the-making; and perhaps even that isn't right: because there is strength, too, in daring to listen to yourself that closely, and in daring to trust yourself enough to act on what you hear; but nonetheless it's what I've got for now.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

...huh.

*ponder*

[redbird]

Like alexsanchai, I want to think on this more.

I've learned that there are kinds of pain, as you say, but I can't always usefully distinguish them. Is that pain in my left knee an old injury or neuropathic or the arthritis or a reminder that I need to adjust the angle/position of my leg? One of those I can safely ignore; two of the others I can do something about, but different things; and resting will make them all feel better for the moment. The arthritis might make relevant clicking noises, but they all feel the same, a sameness which is different from the ache of an overused muscle or the pain of a splinter.

[kaberett]

*nod* I am lucky in that most of my pains are subtly distinct (this is possibly because I self-monitor to a kind of terrifying degree, judging by the faces my doctors pull?) I suspect learning to distinguish between different kinds of fear is going to take me about as long as it took to learn to distinguish between different kinds of pain, though (I realised the other night that I've been on my main med for pretty much a decade at this point, which was... a thing.)

[silveradept]

That sounds right. I wonder if there's a signof wisdom in being able to tell the difference.

[kaberett]

Hah. I incline to the opinion that wisdom is accumulated experience (via the catalyst of analysis, perhaps), and certainly isn't something innate; I'm finding it fascinating to have this as a potential avenue for exploration; I'm interested to see what shakes out if I try following my gut on it.

[alee_grrl]

Some years ago I read a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and there is definitely strength in listening to yourself that closely and daring to trust yourself enough to act on what you hear (and feel).

[kaberett]

Ha. Yes. I was unconvinced by GoF in general (here's a ranty review) but the "yeah, trust yourself on this shit even though the entirety of society tells you not to" is a good message (and is why I am so so fond of the friends I have who parent in ways that respect their kids' autonomy and boundaries and desires).

[alee_grrl]

Well it's been over 10 years since I read it, so I think all I remembered was the "trust yourself on this shit" message. :) Thank you for pointing me to your review. I had neatly forgotten the lampshaded misogyny and heterogeneity of the book, along with some of the more troublesome aspects. I had also forgotten the very bad metaphors. Now that I remember I will be more careful to reference the point and not necessarily the book.

We have power over that which we name

[hairyears]

Pause for thought; I'm not the only person here who needs to unpack this, slowly.

Just for starters: what word is there for the fears we have internalised too deeply, and cannot recognise or confront?


Bear in mind that I have acquired a remarkable toolkit for the internal and external evasion of fear.

[alexseanchai]

I typically avoid both fear and pain when I can. This is why I rarely do open mics or strength training. It occurs to me that my pattern on both things seems to be overdose, abandon for months, overdose, abandon for months. One open mic constitutes overdose, apparently.

And the thing is, I want to be part of the local artist community, and I want to be physically stronger, but apparently I want to avoid fear and pain more than I want the first two things. And apparently I want another twenty-dollar book more than I want twenty dollars worth of less financial fear. My priorities are Screwed Up, basically.

But I imagine a lot of the fear over the open mics is the sort analogous to the soreness of exercising just enough to strengthen, not enough to injure. (Now if only I could figure out where that point is for strength training...)

Come to think, there's an open mic at the bookstore tomorrow evening. I should call tomorrow (augh phones) and see if there's an open slot, and even if there's not, I should go.

[sashajwolf]

This makes a lot of sense, especially in the light of having recently taken up endurance training, where a degree of pain is a given (but recognising when it's become a danger signal is crucial).

[kaberett]

Right - my analogy for the "expected pain from working muscles" is long day-hikes (>20km with non-trivial amounts of climbing & descent). I'm unfortunately starting to think that it's probably an analogy that only really makes sense to people who've got experience both of using their bodies that way and of chronic pain various...