{i know exactly what i want/but i don't think i'll ever get it}

[kaberett]

Depression, daylogging, etc.

PHQ-9: 16-17, depending on how you want to argue the toss, i.e. currently "moderately severe". Whoops. [Particularly, I'd been pegging myself at 15. I'm concerned that I was underestimating, especially because I was worrying it was an exaggeration - "normally" I am bang-on.]

Yesterday morning I ended up as the only demonstrator to a class of 50 undergraduates (second-years) for about twenty minutes of a practical - the other demonstrators didn't show (one had machine time, one just... forgot to e-mail the lecturer) and the lecturer vanished to get himself coffee. Happily they're my last-year's-freshers i.e. the kids I had in their first time and again in their third term and am very fond of, and they seem perfectly willing to put up with me, and were very understanding and very patient. <3

Today:
1. Spent two hours supervising the MSci student in lab. It is weird being this much of a Proper Grown-Up for srs.
2. Three-hour meeting with supervisor in the afternoon UGH. (IT IS COOL WE TOOK AN HOUR-LONG BREAK IN THE MIDDLE... TO GO TO A SEMINAR) Upshot: there really wasn't anything wrong with my looking through data and not being able to identify any obvious consistent problems leading to my large standard deviations, to first approximation, and we have an idea for how to tackle it, and I'm going to do some Nontrivial Work on a paper that's been simmering along for a... while.
3. Et three meals, looked at one way or another.
4. Went to book club! Book club was good, and meant that I acquired more books from the poetry library (one volume of Neruda, one of Borges) and walked over the Thames in the dark twice, with the Queen Elizabeth Hall lit up in blue.
5. Managed to squeeze in chatting with P a bit.
6. Finished the Aliette de Bodard short I had on the go and then did a FEELING.
7. ... so much washing up. So much washing up. But I have cleared the backlog now (I am carefully not thinking about how old some of it was) and that is a vast improvement that will make me much less angsty about interacting with the world.
8. I have put on bread. In the morning I will have bread and then I will feel less guilty about eating food.
9. I have also tentatively taken the first step towards maybe having a rye sourdough starter??? It is curled up sleepily in a jar on top of the inside freezer and will get its next feed tomorrow night.
10. Counselling on Friday. This is a thing I can do.

Comments

[fyreharper]

Sleepy sourdough pet, awww :)

[ghoti]

this is the comment i was about to leave.

[jjhunter]

v. quick flyby to say RYE SOURDOUGH STARTER you haz a baby starter!!! best wishes to you and your yeastlings, I'm rooting for you all. :oD

[kaberett]

<3!

[jelazakazone]

Damn, that is IMPRESSIVE.

[vass]

Thinking of you, cheering you on.

[calissa]

♡

I have fresh bread cravings now :)

Does your book club focus on poetry?

[kaberett]

No, actually! Speculative fiction that isn't All The White Dudes All The Time. It just gets held in the Royal Festival Hall, which has lots of sofas and chairs you can sit on, that doesn't mind people bringing their own food in, that provides free water and wifi, and also houses the national poetry library :-)

[calissa]

Ooo... I like the sound of that.

[kaberett]

I suppose I could blog the books as I read them? I mean I did give my first impressions of Babel-17 but def could do more... might be quite fun to run a parallel bookclub here?

[calissa]

As lovely as both of those possibilities sound, I'm aware they might take more spoons than you have spare right now. I am content to wallow in my jealousy. Besides, Mt TBR might bury me alive otherwise.

You are the Rye of Hope

[hairyears]

Sourdough!

I'm quite fond of that. And now I'm *hungry*.

Rye Smile

[davidgillon]

:)

How is that spelt?

[hairyears]

You are the Shoggoth-growers of Rye'Aliyeh.

And I rather hope that some will be left when I drop by on Sunday.

Re: How is that spelt?

[kaberett]

I'm not sure it'll quiiiiiiiiiiite be ready to bake with come Sunday - I didn't get it started soon enough, and it Might Yet Fail (it is currently definitely bubbling but also smelling a bit weird, but I gather that's par for the course for these things at this stage...?) but I will see how it goes!

[davidgillon]

7. ... so much washing up. So much washing up. But I have cleared the backlog now (I am carefully not thinking about how old some of it was) and that is a vast improvement that will make me much less angsty about interacting with the world.

My angst recognises this feeling!

9. I have also tentatively taken the first step towards maybe having a rye sourdough starter??? It is curled up sleepily in a jar on top of the inside freezer and will get its next feed tomorrow night.

Or as the culinary part of Shadow Unit fandom used to refer to starters, you're growing a shoggoth ;)

[davidgillon]

Whoops. [Particularly, I'd been pegging myself at 15. I'm concerned that I was underestimating, especially because I was worrying it was an exaggeration - "normally" I am bang-on.]

Is it worth considering that you have stuff going on in your life, wrt TOG and TOL, that probably takes you sufficiently outside your 'this is normal for my brainweasels' range that it is likely what's messing with PHQ estimation, rather than any worsening of your innate self-metricisation?

[kaberett]

So the thing is, underestimating is itself a sign that I'm pretty ill (in that I've accepted an awful lot of Things Are Wrong as normal and baseline and am minimising what symptoms I do have), which is useful to know going into a GP appt. I'm not noting being worse at it than usual to beat myself up; I'm noting it as part of a set of symptoms, heh.

[davidgillon]

That makes sense, and agree its something you need to know. (Though beating yourself up actually hadn't occurred to me, I was just thinking everyday self-analysis).

[damerell]

I got "profoundly" from Occupational Health, and apparently the chap they've referred me to thinks I am professionally interesting. So hooray, I guess!

[kaberett]

Congrats! May the chap you've been referred to be helpful. Solidarity an' that.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

Yay all of the things. <33

Also, rye-sourdough? That sounds interesting! I like sourdough, but tend to find rye too hard and strong a flavour as a bread (clearly not in touch enough with my Germanic roots xD), so I wonder if the sourdough aspect tempers that into deliciousness? (Hilariously, I've been known to eat all of the rye chips (crackers?) out of those snack mixes, because most delicious thing ever ever ever.)

ALSO, that is the cutest way to describe a sourdough starter ever, I love it. :D