kaberett | Tiny picspam

On Monday, I briefly attempted to be Fashion for the sake of a meeting with my supervisor:

(Me, wearing green corduroy trousers, a black top 3/4-length sleeves and a dark green flower print, and a green sparkly lace scarf wrapped tightly around my neck.)

This was, in fact, a Scarf Of Shame; I generally think it's polite not to be visibly covered in bruises at my boss.

(Me again, this time without the scarf and a neck covered in bruises; also Novel And Short Story, a jasper-and-silver pendant consisting of a large square bead and a small leaf-shaped bead, and my wardrobe with flock of postcards up the doors in the background. I am intending to add More Postcards to the near side of the wardrobe once I've dug out the blutack...)

And then yesterday I had a Somewhat Irritating Time Of It with respect to airlines and stomped home at 4pm to get changed for the evening-in-Brighton. I more or less hit the point of "fuck it", and went out wearing a skirt in public for the first time in ages, along with a heavy-duty steel collar that clearly disconcerted some people...

(Me wearing black vest binder, slightly flouncy black ankle-length linen skirt, teal slightly-heeled DMs, long teal fringed scarf, heavy-duty steel collar, and a necklace you can't see... at around 3am. In the foreground, next to the mirror, a piece of art by

misterlucian; on the wall in the background my gold-and-silver-on-black-paper piece by Mia.)

It was... interesting, the effect wearing a skirt in public had on people's willingness to approach me. I've worn these boots a lot and very occasionally got compliments on them, but mostly these days I get thankfully few comments on my physical appearance, or strangers attempting to interact with me on the grounds of it - possibly because a lot of the time I'm wearing stompy DMs and button-down shirts and a fuck-you expression. Last night... eh. A somewhat drunk dude from the set of seats opposite me came over one stop before mine, sat down next to me - in a way that was potentially blocking my exit, but he actually managed to be decent around his body language around it - and apologised for being intrusive, but said that he found me very attractive, with all the implied questions. So I raised an eyebrow and said (1) next stop was me, (2) not sure my girlfriend would approve... and (3) have a good rest of your journey to Bedford! And he took it in relatively good spirits, went "your girlfriend oh is that how it is, oh well you can't blame a guy for trying can you", then went back to chat to his mate some more. And... that experience could have gone so much worse, but nonetheless I'm left feeling gently unhappy that I erased myself to female and to lesbian and monogamous; that I kind-of-sort-of took That One Lady's name in vain (in that I implied she'd mind because monogamy, whereas in fact if she minded at all it'd be because a stranger had approached me on the train to hit on me), but I was safe and I shut the conversation down and I actually kind of was complimented, in a sideways sort of way, in part because the guy was genuinely respectful about not getting into my space beyond getting close enough to have the conversation without the whole carriage hearing it, and didn't give me shit for saying "no", for all I felt like doing it obliquely was a better bet than doing so directly.

And then on the walk back... eh, a car honked its horn when there wasn't any other visible reason at all to do so; and some dudes in another passing car whistled. And that is simultaneously the most probably-harassment I've had in ages, and so much milder than most of the stuff I've dealt with over the years, and I'm a bit sideways about it -- mostly just perplexed and a little saddened, and really very surprised by the extent to which clothes affect how I'm treated. (Why surprised? Because all the worst instances of harassment-by-strangers I've experienced have been when I was wearing cargo shorts and baggy t-shirts, and that is... notably what was happening here, and notably different from the established pattern. So - assimilating data.)

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

quirkytizzy

I love the green scarf and the green pants. Very fashionable - draw the color UP (or down.) One of the few things my mother taught me that was actually useful.

I hope you don't feel too bad about having invoke TOL - because that's not a sign that you were using that relationship in a false manner. That's a sign of "This is the only way to shut down a potentially harassing conversation", which says WAY MORE about the society we live in, than it does about YOU yourself.

I'm glad he left, but it just makes me so grrrr that "he didn't get abrasive, physical, or otherwise threatening" is what we have to be grateful for these days.

Also, maybe UK men are better than American men? Anytime I've invoked the "my girlfriend" thing, it's always interpreted as a an invitation for them to ask - persist - and then get upset at my refusal - to have a threesome. UGH.

(You do look very lovely in all those outfits!)

From:

kaberett

The thing I'm most uneasy about wrt TOL is honestly implying that she's mono (which is... not even a tiny bit true). On the other hand, that'd've been an issue with reference to any of my partners, and it's just so much easier to say "I'm taken, soz~" than to get into the details, you know? Like, "I'm queer and poly and not actually a woman, and also the best way to get me into bed is to talk to me about poetry or computer programming" is... just not a conversation I wanna have on the last train between London Bridge and Blackfriars.

I've definitely had UK men be dreadful about this kind of thing in the past; I went for girlfriend (rather than one of the boyfriends) as my excuse in this case because I got the vibe it'd work best and wouldn't escalate; and again, he was pretty decent. It's probably honestly the least unpleasant experience of being hit on by a stranger that I've ever had...

(Thank you!)

From:

inoru_no_hoshi

I like the trousers outfit, but what delights me is the skirt-and-oodles-of-teal, for intermingled reasons of you're rocking it excellently and it's the sort of thing I'd be delighted to wear. :3

I'm glad the bus interaction went so smoothly; I'm willing to guess TOL won't mind the implication of monogamy since it was the quickest and easiest way for you to cut things off and keep you safe. Besides, as you said elsecomment, the details are really too much to get into with a stranger in the wee hours! <3

From:

milkymoon

I sort of love the second outfit, though I'm sorry about the awkward flirting, having to invoke TOL in order to get rid of a potentially awful interaction and feeling as though you had to erase your own gender identity and sexuality when responding to that guy.

From:

jelazakazone

Love the look on your face in the middle picture.

Also, currently working on sekret project for you. I am full of squee. <3

From:

kaberett

teaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal

From:

kaberett

It is the I-am-smug face >>;

(ASDLFKASJDFLKSDF SEKRIT PROJECT :D :D :D :D :D)

From:

jelazakazone

You do look incredibly satisfied with yourself :D

<3 <3 <3 I am determined NOT to mail another quilt to England when I am actually seeing you in a couple weeks.

From:

kaberett

I have checked in with TOL and she is pretty much of the opinion that she disapproves of jerks hitting on strangers on public transport, so thinks it's fair enough that I did the thing and does not feel like I was erasing her non-monogamy ;)

HURRAH for other people liking the skirt+teal :D

From:

kaberett

oh god right I need to e-mail you

From:

jelazakazone

You do? I thought I was the guilty party. No shame! We have each other penciled in. <3

From:

kaberett

(so the thing about the I-am-smug? is that as is ~obvious~ from my poetry, I have many feelings about embodiment-as-legible-identity, and what other people write on you versus what you yourself present; and so I have many feelings about being marked by other people. Surgery scars are difficult and complicated for all they are necessary; marks from a lover/beloved are a different thing altogether.)

From:

white_hart

I love the colours of the outfits and the way you've repeated them and used the black to set them off - you look very elegant.

From:

birke

One of my friends has a similar problem with come-ons. She is dating a woman in another city, but neither of them wants the commitment of a monogamous relationship so they have an official policy of avoiding words like "girlfriend" and "relationship" and so on. However, my friend finds herself regularly citing "my girlfriend" as a way of signalling disinterest in men, even though it makes her uncomfortable every time, because it's so much easier than anything else she could say. :-/

On a different subject, your eyebrows continue to be the best thing ever.

From:

birke

From:

silverhare

Black plus matching-colour-accessories is an excellent look. :)

From:

kaberett

Thank you :-) I'm still utterly baffled that "elegant" is a thing I can pull of (as opposed to "scruffy") but I am really really delighted that it seems to work :-)

From:

kaberett

heeeee thank you, re eyebrows.

(But it also feels incredibly dishonest to suggest disinterest in all men, given that's blatantly not the case - my housemate is prone to joking that That One Lady, as my token girlfriend in a sea of useless cis men, can be usefully handwaved as statistical noise. IDK, just... situations that compel one to treat the truth unpleasantly.)

From:

kaberett

It is a view I incline to :D Really glad it works for you!

From:

skygiants

Ditto!

From:

birke

Yeah... I don't know that personal honesty matters so much with a stranger, but there's no denying that when you allow that assumption to be made, you're contributing to bisexual (pansexual) erasure. (That's part of my friend's problem too, actually.) But it's so much easier on someone's feelings to let them think they'be been rejected categorically rather than individually. :-/

From:

sfred

Pretty much the only times I use the words 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' are to signal "you're assuming I'm straight/gay: you're wrong" - often in the context of people I'm not interested in flirting with me.
I'm glad the person you encountered was respectful about it. I don't think expressing interest in that way is necessarily a problem, as long as it's done respectfully and with clear exits available.

From:

beckyc

Can't see the pictures, but they sound lovely!

Is it all bruises you think are unacceptable or just ones that were acquired in a way that you wouldn't want to discuss with that person?

(I'm wondering if I'm just being rude to everyone for not hiding bruises. I found that dong karate gave me a carte blanche for avoiding social awkwardness due to visible bruising and just got used to going around with them on display. This is very very handy since I have the combo of a low platelet count and poor proprioception that means I'm permanently covered in bruises on my limbs. But it's *so hot* that I really really don't want to cover!)

From:

beckyc

Also, claims of being not available due to a girlfriend are a standard polite code for "leave me alone" and one of those things that are not required or expected to be true, and so I doubt many people would get the take home message that TOL was monogamous. Keeping safe is one of those situations where polite lies are the best option available. Which is sad :-(

From:

hairyears

Hope Brighton was fun - I was at a party in Southwark.

Meanwhile, wot she sed (

beckyc; pics, street behaviour and all.

From:

kaberett

Pics now working! And yes, yes it was :-)

From:

kaberett

Pics now working!

Not all bruises. Basically I'm not comfortable displaying marks that are obviously related to either sex or [recent] self-injury, because I fundamentally don't think it's terribly polite to do so (it's a bit more complex in the realms of SI, but basically there is nothing anyone else can do about it: I'm 100% behind supporting people who do because they have no other way to communicate, but that's not what's going on with me, so there's not really much point in worrying people who'll proceed to irritate me, you know?); I'm completely relaxed about all other forms of marking being on display, to first approximation.

From:

carthaginians

AHHHH YOU LOOK SO LOVELY

From:

silveradept

Coded female often means getting low-level harassment and assumption of availability - many of my happily married female-identifying friends have standing permission from their partners to invoke their name and the social structures that accompany it to expediently remove themselves from situations that would otherwise involve pressure and harassment. TOL was probably okay with being invoked in such a manner, even if it wasn't the whole truth of everything.

Also, shame that the Scarf of Shame is necessary.