A snippet of executive dysfunction

[kaberett]

I would feel better if I showered. I have spent half an hour, so far, sat at my desk unable to actually go shower. (I have, at least, brushed my hair and taken meds.) It will take me at least another half hour if I do decide to shower, even though actually showering will only take me five minutes. I could probably get dressed and out the door in that half hour if I decide not to shower.

And still I sit here stuck.

Brains, eh.

Comments

[jelazakazone]

<3 Just sending you love. You are in a rough spot emotionally. That has to affect executive function in anyone. <3

[kaberett]

I think some of it is also that I don't notice when I get cold, but my executive function drops off sharply. Much better having managed warm shower + clothes :-)

[alexseanchai]

*hugs*

[kaberett]

Thanks! I have now managed shower-clothes-perfume-jewelry, which means I am nearly armoured enough to contemplate leaving the house :-)

[alexseanchai]

\o/

[highlyeccentric]

Aaah I recognise that.

... do medical professionals keep asking you WHY, when you describe such a thing? Because they do keep asking me, and I am flummoxed. I don't know why, it's just much harder some days to organise the thought-motivation-action sequence!

[kaberett]

Hah, this is one of very few situations where in interactions with people I will say Because Autism and mean it - but I've got that framework to explain inside, which makes it easier...

[highlyeccentric]

It's something that throws me - in the online world, which is where I do most of my thinking about mental health, describing a symptom pattern and putting it down to "bloody depression" is a perfectly cromulent strategy. This does not work with shrinks, which is... sometimes aggravating. I am telling you a symptom, you tell ME why!

[kaberett]

YES QUITE.

[redbird]

That is hard; I am glad to see from the update that you got past that bump, showered and dressed and armored against the world.

I suspect (at the instant, this hypothesis may not survive tea and breakfast) that people don't want to accept "because I have problems with executive function" because they think that (a) this is a sign of immaturity (which it might be, some of the time) and (b) that if they push people to just do it anyhow, that will not only work in the moment, but cause them to grow up and stop having the problem.

If I'm right, that's annoying from ordinary people, and inexcusable from supposed mental or physical health specialists, who should know that no, sometimes it's just how the person's brain is. And sometimes it's other physical things (like being cold: "growing up," whatever that means, won't make my apartment warmer).

[kaberett]

Urgh, yes -- and as I was talking about elseweb, "pushing through" is a thing I can do, but it gets traded off against having that energy to do anything else with. So... yeah. (But I really wish I could do a better job of running through the am-I-cold-or-dehydrated checklist.)

[silverhare]

*offers hugs*

I have been cycling through those brain loops for the past four days. Showering is just- so damn hard.

[kaberett]

YES. And thank you! And I am doing better today, ish, in that I forced myself through more rapid wake-up and am consequently lower brain for everything else...

[vass]

Brains, yep. :/ Transitioning between tasks is the worst.

Do you do that thing where you just sit there, totally still, sort of wondering "is it still catatonia if you're not depressed, just buffering?" I do that.

As a kid I needed to watch cartoons or read a book before I could leave for school in the morning. If I wasn't allowed to, it didn't make me go to school quicker. I'd just sit there and stare into space until my brain came online properly. It's not until a couple of days ago when I read an article about an autistic kid who watches Mythbusters every morning that I even realised that counted as a routine.

[jelazakazone]

For as long as I can remember, I have always needed to read something in the morning whether it was comics or (now) browsing the web. It takes me about half an hour. I just put it down to waking slowly, but your phrase "brain coming online" is exactly what it is. I wake up early to get that time in. I have a very hard time going from 0 to 60 without that buffer, although I *can* do it. Pretty sure it is not sustainable over a long time though.

[milkymoon]

You know, I get this too - the sort of 'buffering' thing. The need to sort of get things in order, the need to read bits and pieces of the internet or a book or listen to some music before actually getting ready. It's a bit difficult to get ready straightaway after waking up; it's a bit like jumping into cold water immediately without acclimatising yourself to it - unpleasant, shocking and of little help.

[shehasathree]

Do you do that thing where you just sit there, totally still, sort of wondering "is it still catatonia if you're not depressed, just buffering?" I do that.

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Thank-you for describing a common aspect of my everyday experience. (Steve does it too. I think it's partly why he often takes 20+ minutes in the shower.)

[kaberett]

YES ALL OF THOSE THINGS. Yes yes yes about staring into space. And yep, TOTALLY a routine.

[milkymoon]

FFFFFFFFFFFF *swears at executive dysfunction* It is so obnoxious, isn't it? You want to do something so very much, but you're just 'stuck' - there are lots of people on the spectrum who get that sort of thing and it's sometimes called 'inertia' as well? Well, the 'being stuck and wanting to do something but not seeming to be able to get it sorted' feeling.

[kaberett]

YEP. That.

[shanaqui]

Yep. I need to go wash my hair at some point this evening. I've put it off, er, five days now?

*sits*

*stares at screen*

Solidarity?

[shehasathree]

Hooray, dry shampoo?

*scuttles away*

[shanaqui]

Yep. I don't know how I'd do without it.

[kaberett]

ayuuuuup >>

[shehasathree]

yessss.

[kaberett]

hah, really glad that this provided solidarity for folk <3

[rjw76]

May I show the text of your original post to a friend struggling with similar problems, who has just said to me "Nobody understands the doing-things paralysis thing" please?

[kaberett]

Yes, by all means. As far as I am concerned anything public is linkable; if you would like to show post + comments that is 100% okay, too. I hope it's helpful.