reflections in a thesis swamp

[kaberett]

I have been thinking a lot, lately, about how somewhere along the line I shifted from "terrified that my supervisors would know everything I was doing was wrong" to "willing to tell them they're wrong and then go find the data to back myself up"; from imagining my viva making me shut down with panic to, honestly, kind of looking forward to it.

I was scared of my supervisors -- the primary authority figures in this part of my life -- thinking poorly of me. I was terrified, similarly, of examiners-as-authority-figures thinking poorly of me.

Put in those terms, I think one facet of what's shifted is that I have, really and truly, started to view my supervisors and examiners as my equals. And from there, bearing in mind the very human need for ritual, all of a(n apparent) sudden I seem to be thinking about the viva less as an inherently hostile environment where I will inevitably be set up to fail (I don't think my trauma is terribly disguised, here) to... a rite-of-passage, that recognises and -- through a particular social alchemy -- realises that I, too, am an authority figure.

I'm very curious about how the ripples from the event will wind up affecting the rest of my self-concept and self-confidence.

Comments

[boxofdelights]

This is such a good insight.