reflections in a thesis swamp

[kaberett]

I have been thinking a lot, lately, about how somewhere along the line I shifted from "terrified that my supervisors would know everything I was doing was wrong" to "willing to tell them they're wrong and then go find the data to back myself up"; from imagining my viva making me shut down with panic to, honestly, kind of looking forward to it.

I was scared of my supervisors -- the primary authority figures in this part of my life -- thinking poorly of me. I was terrified, similarly, of examiners-as-authority-figures thinking poorly of me.

Put in those terms, I think one facet of what's shifted is that I have, really and truly, started to view my supervisors and examiners as my equals. And from there, bearing in mind the very human need for ritual, all of a(n apparent) sudden I seem to be thinking about the viva less as an inherently hostile environment where I will inevitably be set up to fail (I don't think my trauma is terribly disguised, here) to... a rite-of-passage, that recognises and -- through a particular social alchemy -- realises that I, too, am an authority figure.

I'm very curious about how the ripples from the event will wind up affecting the rest of my self-concept and self-confidence.

Comments

[booksarelife]

Yay for realization stuff and confidence!!!

[boxofdelights]

This is such a good insight.

[lokifan]

That's fantastic!

[silveradept]

You have become An Expert through this process, and now all that remains is, as you say, the ritual recognition of that fact. Congratulations on being unmovable in your element (at least, not without a good study and paper.)

[vass]

That's really cool. I'm so happy for you. (I have a very different relationship to the concept of authority figures and fear of their thinking poorly of me, but I can see how your take on it makes better sense in your context.)

[jesse_the_k]

This is the ideal result of a graduate degree. I'm so happy that you've grown into your membership in the company of scientists!