an etiology of exhaustion

[kaberett]

I am very, very tired at the moment. All the time. It is tedious, and frustrating, and it's having a significant impact on my ability to Get Stuff Done, and I'm bored of it, and I've been hoping that it was all just my thyroid in the interests of being able to just throw drugs at the problem...

... but in fact As My Therapist Points Out there is... a lot... going on. And in fact my depression is creeping worse again, judging by the PHQ-9, and on the one hand it might be worth considering tweaking my dose and on the other it's also worth considering situational contributions, hmm.

So, an accounting of things that are currently... Happening (as opposed to things that Have Happened, in a less ongoing sense, which I nevertheless need to budget recovery time for, actually):

• this Entire political shitshow, and what it means for me personally, and also... everything else
  
• there is Some New Bullshit going down with the PhD (on this occasion my bosses are on side, as is my department, and the issue is institutional bureaucracy and ableism)
  
• as my therapist pointed out yesterday (and you have collectively been gently pointing out in general), the amount of work I'm doing to hassle the GIC into making the service better for other users is in fact work
  
• this weekend I got around to actually getting back to TfL about seriously needing them to give me a bit more to go on with respect to the disability-motivated attempted assault committed by one of their drivers back in Octoberish, so I am now grimly awaiting their non-response with the intention of giving the Met something useful to do if they don't get their fucking act together (maybe, if I decide that on balance it's worth it, which is probably only the case if I can point the Met squarely at the edifice that is TfL rather than the individual driver)
  
• my gym is kinda being an accessibility shitshow and on top of that they have taken payment for this month's membership despite assuring me that They Would Not, so I'm chasing that up too
  
• there's up to another month before I expect to hear anything about the most recent PIP decision, after which I'll still need to chase up the back-payments that are owing subject to a review that will take for-interminable-ever to complete
  
• also I've sent off all the SMI paperwork and it would be super nice if I got acknowledgement of that and/or some actual money
  
• Eustress Is Still Stress: I have changed the house environment a lot (like, shifted all the bookcases and storage around, shifted where the clothes airer and my wheelchairs live, etc etc etc), and this is on balance good but it's also on balance (i) new and (ii) still in flux, and I am A Creature Of Habit
  
• miscellaneous support work + my own feelings on the topic
  
• Probably More

Things I Am Actively Doing To Try To Deal With This:

• actually using my shower stool always, which, urgh, grump, additional executive function
  
• actually using my saddle stool always, ditto (for stuff in the kitchen BUT ALSO as A BONUS having rearranged the house makes it straightforward to use for wrangling laundry, which makes laundry-wrangling more possible)
  
• experimenting with switching my antidepressant dose later in the day to see if that has any impact
  
• trying to restrict how much time I spend looking at the damn' news (specifically: having made news alerts on my phone silent so I don't go leaping for them every time they come up; observing headlines but setting aside dedicated ~15-minute news-reading chunks to sandbox the effects of same, and definitely not keeping any live feeds open in tabs)
  
• simultaneously cancelling work if it's a bad idea and trying to get myself to do the thing that I Know Works of Spending Ten Minutes A Day On It
  
• finishing the current slog of a book and then just reading books that are fun for a bit, thanks
  
• so many naps
  
• The Rhythm Of Breadmaking
  
• allotment.

Comments

[sylvaine]

That is SO MANY THINGS, oh god. *hugs*

[alexwlchan]

You are doing a heckload of stuff, and it’s perhaps not so surprising that’s affecting your mood.

You are doing a heckload of *good* stuff, and I think you are very cool for doing it. <3

[redsixwing]

You have been doing so much. So so much.

plants<3

[alatefeline]

You are doing good things and this still sucks.

*hugs offered*

[brainwane]

What a huge load of STUFF. I wish you the best.

[cesy]

That is A Lot.

[rmc28]

The Entire Political Shitshow has been doing a number on the mental health of everyone I know, all by itself.

Reading books that are fun is my favourite coping mechanism, if only because it's easier to carry around / indulge in in small chunks than Seeing Films / Dance / Plays / Music That Is Good.

[sfred]

<3
Well done for doing things.

[divulge]

So Much Stuff. <3

[wolby]

<3

[vass]

... but in fact As My Therapist Points Out there is... a lot... going on. And in fact my depression is creeping worse again, judging by the PHQ-9, and on the one hand it might be worth considering tweaking my dose and on the other it's also worth considering situational contributions, hmm.

*nodnod*

So, an accounting of things that are currently... Happening (as opposed to things that Have Happened, in a less ongoing sense, which I nevertheless need to budget recovery time for, actually):

Yes.

this Entire political shitshow, and what it means for me personally, and also... everything else

*nodnod* :(

there is Some New Bullshit going down with the PhD (on this occasion my bosses are on side, as is my department, and the issue is institutional bureaucracy and ableism)

>:((( I'm glad your bosses and department are on side. Good luck.

as my therapist pointed out yesterday (and you have collectively been gently pointing out in general), the amount of work I'm doing to hassle the GIC into making the service better for other users is in fact work

YES.

so I am now grimly awaiting their non-response

Ugh, that type of unclosed loop. We hates it, preciousss.

my gym is kinda being an accessibility shitshow and on top of that they have taken payment for this month's membership despite assuring me that They Would Not, so I'm chasing that up too

Whyyy.

[PIP and SMI]

*growl*

Eustress Is Still Stress: I have changed the house environment a lot (like, shifted all the bookcases and storage around, shifted where the clothes airer and my wheelchairs live, etc etc etc), and this is on balance good but it's also on balance (i) new and (ii) still in flux, and I am A Creature Of Habit

*nodnodnod*

miscellaneous support work + my own feelings on the topic

<333

Things I Am Actively Doing To Try To Deal With This:

[a Good List, some of which I will be stealing]

just reading books that are fun for a bit, thanks

YES.

I see you. You're doing the Right Things.

[kaberett]

<333