{I am writing graffiti on your body/I am drawing the story of how hard we tried}

[kaberett]

Caffeine: still, as it turns out, a bad idea. Probably. (Semi-accidentally had caffeine yesterday evening; was up ridiculously late in quiet tears about largely-disconnected-from-reality anxieties.)

I have just received an unambiguously helpful response from the Yellow Card folk, on two counts: first, they've added Mx as a title and updated my report to use it; and second, they've asked me for some more details and have passed on my specific query ("can you look into whether this side effect is associated with weird lung shit to do with connective tissue disorders as well as COPD, because that was an unpleasant surprise") to the scientific assessment team, who will apparently be getting in touch with me sometime in the next fortnight. So: huh.

Rivers of London: really enjoyed book one, was seriously hacked off with the gratuitous cissexism in book two, am still mildly grumpy halfway through book three -- but I am still reading, so.

Here is an essay: On Conflicting Emotional Needs In Relationships.

Here is a recipe I haven't yet tried: mulled wine plum crumble.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Caffeine is always a bad idea, says them who drinks at least two cans of Pepsi a day and sometimes a largish mocha instead of one of the Pepsis. >_>

WOOT on both counts!

I have never had plums that I recall so I cannot judge whether I am liable to find that recipe tasty.

[kaberett]

This is actually my first accidental caffeine innnnnnn several years? I've had a couple of mouthfuls of weak black tea deliberately in the past few years, to help kick a benzodiazapine hangover, but mostly that shit gives me massive physiological anxiety response and accompanying crazy. I can but assume that combining it with sleep dep + alcohol was responsible for keeping the response relatively muted, but I'm not terribly keen on the idea of having an actual cup of tea, e.g., because even though obviously I'm making all my sensitivities/intolerances up and it's obviously all psychosomatic/nocebo, I think this about my endometriosis (spoiler: I need to be on all the painkillers I'm on), my joint hypermobility (spoiler: I did in fact sublux my right hip through having the temerity to attempt standing through a gig last night), my lungs (...), etc, too -- and on the whole I'd rather not lose the rest of the day to hyperventilatory hysteria.

... huh, re plums.

[alexseanchai]

Yes, entirely understood!

[davidgillon]

(spoiler: I did in fact sublux my right hip through having the temerity to attempt standing through a gig last night)

Owie! Left hip was so unhappy yesterday I was using the chair in the house, which normally I don't do, so sympathy!

on the whole I'd rather not lose the rest of the day to hyperventilatory hysteria.

Doesn't seem entirely unreasonable!

ramble re: essay

[recessional]

One of the persistent amusing (to me) ironies is that one of the most profoundly true things I've ever heard came from a damn Pirates of the Caribbean movie, where Jack Sparrow states The only rules that truly matter are these: what a man can do, and what a man can't do.

It's something that I've found utterly necessarily useful in negotiating human relationships especially: what it comes down to is what people can and can't do, can and can't live with. And sometimes it doesn't matter HOW much you love someone, your needs and what they can do, or their needs and what you can do, do not match. Sometimes you can compromise things into something you can both live with, but sometimes you just can't, and this relationship just isn't a good idea.

And it's up to each adult to decide and define what they can and can't do or live with, and we only get to decide that for ourselves.* "Should" and similar ideas only come into play after we've established "can/can't".

On a personal example, I can't handle a relationship with someone who's closeted when it comes to being with a woman. I respect and am deeply compassionate to the fact that some people have very good reasons to stay in the closet and even that coming out of the closet could be life-threatening: it just also means that this same circumstance means we cannot have a romantic relationship. I cannot handle being a secret, and cannot remotely begin to handle even the slightest implication that a partner is ashamed of me, so it's just not possible. Incompatible needs.

Or, more specifically: I can't handle those things without it seeping into the rest of my life and ending up with me being angry, insecure, resentful and bitter, and I can't be marinating in those feelings without it affecting my behaviour and my feelings towards other people in the direction of "and now we will turn M into a hateful vicious cow". Because there are a lot of things we are physically capable of enduring that we are not capable of enduring without becoming damaged, often ugly people, often in ways which in turn actually sabotage the thing we're enduring the bad things for.

(If one resents one's partner, the chances of one not having that come out in some way are very, very low, for example.)

The bit that gets unspoken because nobody likes to look at it is, sometimes that means that you can't have what you want. It's sort of like the inevitable side-effect of "I want to become less of a doormat and people-pleaser" is that some people will be less pleased with you. To be less conflict-averse is to risk more conflict. Etc. We're trained to believe that if a situation cannot be ended happily, it's because someone's done something wrong: that's not how it works. You can do everything right and still lose.

So yeah.

(This is totally Sam and Madlen, in the story: they share a huge amount of history, they love each other intensely, and they both helped the other turn into a better, fuller, stronger human being, and at the end of that process their needs for baseline happy life were so incompatible that they could not stay together and be healthy. And that sucked a lot.)


*all exceptions apply only to people who for one reason or another don't have the capacity to adult. And that's not bad or wrong either, it just makes the situation different. Clint and Natasha can both adult, in their relationship, and so the normal adult responsibilities apply; Bucky cannot actually adult, which makes Steve's responsibilities and abilities different. Back when Natasha first came to SHIELD, she was a messed up eighteen year old, so Clint's assessment of her adulting abilities was kind of suspended and involved a lot of assessment time, until he was actually sure she was up to handling her own basic human integrity.

Re: ramble re: essay

[kaberett]

*snort* re PotC; and -- yes, well, your writing advice: what do you want? No, what do you actually want?

By which I mean that I agree entirely and am still feeling out the boundaries of my concept of "can" with reference to "and it's not a bad idea to", with all of the expected interactions with disability stuff. (I can stand for the duration of a gig! I'll dislocate my hip and be tired and in pain for several days, but I can do it!)

Nothing is ever free, but some costs I can pay with ease and some I can't, and I get to decide where in the middle I draw my personal line of "can", and it's ever such tedious work.

(And also I HEAR YOU on being people's secret. It is Pretty Nope for me.)

(Oh Bucky. Oh no, no you really can't, not at the moment.)

Re: ramble re: essay

[davidgillon]

The take on this from my pain management people was pacing is vitally important, but sometimes you have to blow it anyway in order to make life worth living. (And then live with the consequences afterwards).

[shanaqui]

I believe I found that Ben Aaronovitch's books got better as they went along. And kicked me in the feels a lot.

[kaberett]

Well I've got the whole series and adored #1, so we'll see if I get on better with #4 and #5!

[swaldman]

I adored #1, thought 2 & 3 were a little meh but OK, and liked 4 a whole lot more.

Haven't read 5 yet!

[davidgillon]

I have just received an unambiguously helpful response from the Yellow Card folk, on two counts

Wow, a responsive and sensitive goovernment agency? What's wrong with this picture??

(Really glad to see them being so responsive on the connective tissue stuff!)

[kaberett]

I have just managed to write back to them and intend to keep putting updates here!