Yeah, I was on my phone, so thoughts slightly truncated.
And, like. Ten years ago I would have totally been one with the snarl and survivor thing, which is kind of interesting in terms of how things change, but my last bout of Really Bad was just so deeply exhausted? I did not have snarl. Snarl ran out. I had a promise to a god-thing, and I had stubborn, and that was it. I was not a fierce fighting survivor; I was bitter, resentful, tired, utterly unglamorous: killing myself was off the table, so given that, let's move on and go to bed so we can go to work.
Which is quite different from previous bouts of too-close-to-the-edge downswings or down-crashes.
It left me with antipathy for "survivor" in general and mixed feelings/ambivalence to its use in more specific/limited circles: there are groups wherein I'll use it, but I mean "survivor" in the sense of "tsunami survivor" or "earthquake survivor": I got lucky and didn't die. I don't like using it in circles where I don't know that the other people are parsing it that way, because of the depth of that last crash, and the part where I'm not actually here today because I am a tough brave survivor who fought through, I'm here today because I promised my [brother] and there might be SOMETHING to be said about loving someone enough to not walk off the cliff because you promised them, but if there is it's about me and him, not about my sheer toughness or whatever.
And then ties into the above mentioned growls I have with how many forms of ableism have retreated from overt and moved into The Good Disabled Person trope instead and it all just gets twisted up. *throws up hands* Words are stupid, throw rocks at them.
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regna
(no subject)
Date: 2015-06-25 12:29 am (UTC)And, like. Ten years ago I would have totally been one with the snarl and survivor thing, which is kind of interesting in terms of how things change, but my last bout of Really Bad was just so deeply exhausted? I did not have snarl. Snarl ran out. I had a promise to a god-thing, and I had stubborn, and that was it. I was not a fierce fighting survivor; I was bitter, resentful, tired, utterly unglamorous: killing myself was off the table, so given that, let's move on and go to bed so we can go to work.
Which is quite different from previous bouts of too-close-to-the-edge downswings or down-crashes.
It left me with antipathy for "survivor" in general and mixed feelings/ambivalence to its use in more specific/limited circles: there are groups wherein I'll use it, but I mean "survivor" in the sense of "tsunami survivor" or "earthquake survivor": I got lucky and didn't die. I don't like using it in circles where I don't know that the other people are parsing it that way, because of the depth of that last crash, and the part where I'm not actually here today because I am a tough brave survivor who fought through, I'm here today because I promised my [brother] and there might be SOMETHING to be said about loving someone enough to not walk off the cliff because you promised them, but if there is it's about me and him, not about my sheer toughness or whatever.
And then ties into the above mentioned growls I have with how many forms of ableism have retreated from overt and moved into The Good Disabled Person trope instead and it all just gets twisted up. *throws up hands* Words are stupid, throw rocks at them.