Interlude #6: setting boundaries with counsellors

[kaberett]

So this is actually a pretty short one: all you should need to do is say one of "that's not the problem" or "I don't want to talk about it" and the counsellor should back the fuck off.

I have had counsellors back off and never raise the topic again when I asserted that something wasn't the problem even when it blatantly was, because the way it goes if you say one of those things is this: either you are right, in which case you are right, or you are wrong, but clearly not ready to talk about it yet, and the best thing for everyone would be to leave you to your own devices while you come to terms with that, and focus on the other shit you're actually in a place to work on.

It is my view that if your counsellor is any good, they will recognise this.

Which is all very well if you are me, and have got lucky with (1) counsellors you've been assigned and (2) the ability to actually make choices or swap as seems appropriate.

Unfortunately, the above is fundamentally a "no", and if you've got a counsellor who ignores your "no" then you've got a counsellor who ignores your boundaries and that is Not Great, especially given the extent to which therapeutic relationships (can) require you to be vulnerable.

If you're stuck with a counsellor who insists on pathologising something that you'd rather they left well alone, some possible scripts are:

• Actually, this week I really feel the need to talk through [Thing On Your List].
  
• [if it's something like poly] I'm aware that this is a little unusual and you may not have come across it before. If you'd like me to suggest some background reading for you, I'm happy to do so, but I don't want the focus to be on [thing], and I'm finding treating it as inherently bad really offputting - it's making it more difficult for me to address my main concerns.
  
• I understand your concern, but I don't feel like this is something I'll benefit from working through in this space at the moment - I feel like I've got more work to do by myself before I'm ready to talk about it out loud. [Thanks for making it clear you're willing to engage;] I'll let you know when I'm ready to tackle this.

And so on - the sort of not-quite-lie that firmly redirects.

But, as I say, these scripts are what I like to think I'd use; I've never been in a situation I couldn't solve by Stopping Seeing That Counsellor And Finding Someone Else Instead (and, again, I'm aware of how lucky I am that that was an option for me). So for those of you who've had to deal with this, I would super-appreciate your experiences in comments. <3

Comments

[worlds_of_smoke]

The only super strict boundary we have is that we won't pathologize our multiplicity. We tell every therapist we see "If you even open your mouth to suggest that we integrate, you'll never see us again. This is who we are and, even if you don't understand it, you need to accept it if you want to keep working with us." as soon as we're comfortable opening up to them about the multiplicity. We usually use those exact words, too. :P

We did have one therapist that really pushed us in a bad way. He decided that we have borderline personality disorder and that we, as extremely socially phobic people w/agoraphobia, needed to be in group DBT therapy where, theoretically, you're supposed to trust the people in your group to a degree. We tried one or two group appointments, but the stress of going to the appointments on the regular bus was too much for us and we stopped seeing that therapist. When we went to that clinic for our self-initiated pre-bariatric weasel whacking, we specifically requested not to see him.

Now, mind you, we were in therapy because of the extreme social phobia, which makes this piss me off even more in retrospect. Because it makes perfect sense to throw an extremely socially phobic person with trust issues into group therapy, amirite? -eyeroll- I'm still not sure how he made the jump from "hi, we're lonely and people terrify the hell out of us and we cannot function like this" to "You have a textbook case of borderline personality disorder", tbh.

[jack]

Ugh. That sounds really good to me (I mean, I can't vouch for the solutions, but recognising the problems is really valuable). I think the thing which stood out to me as difficult is recognising the difference between "councillor is an expert and knows that I can handle this despite feeling I can't" and "councillor is a human being and last four councillors were ignorant and suspicious of poly so don't assume this one knows what they're talking about", and that you have the right to say "you may think I'm wrong, but I am not talking about this, seriously, I don't want to get drawn out, I want to talk about these other things" and a reasonable chance of being right.

[silverhare]

I empathise with this need for boundaries and clarity when working with counsellors. I once went specifically to discuss [something] and every time I tried to talk about it my counsellor would chastise me for "focusing on the past". I- but- no.

[quirkytizzy]

I dont' have so many experiences with THIS thing exactly, but it IS something exactly like this that I have dropped out of previous therapy for. (No, I don't need to talk about my mother, thankyouverymuch, I'm plenty messed up in other ways that need a'fixin, etc). This script is FUCKING AWESOME.

And extremely inspirational!

[kaberett]

Really glad it continues helpful!

[kaberett]

NO. WHAT EVEN.

Sounds like you're better off without them, but...!

[kaberett]

*nod* -- I think something I'm very confident to take into sessions at this point is that I am the expert on me; the counsellor sees me for an hour a week at most, and doesn't ever get the full picture.

[kaberett]

Ayup.

And also FFS, and also especially FFS about BPD -- as far as I can tell, it's applied to (predominantly female) survivors of prolonged severe abuse, who have responded to that abuse in ways that completely make sense, as dismissal and as pathologisation -- "we're going to call you crazy rather than even try to help you recognise why these reactions are 100% rational for the situation you've come from, but might not be forever, depending on whether you are currently even beginning to approach safe"...

[worlds_of_smoke]

Yeah, that's been the general experiences me and my friends have had. It's basically a garbage can diagnosis for patients that are "too difficult" for whatever reason. Either their history is "too difficult to deal with" or their coping mechanisms are "too complex" or they're too stubborn and not willing to get rid of "maladaptive coping mechanisms" or whatever. (I'm fairly certain that we fell into the "not willing" category. :P) I've had friend after friend whose been basically told "You have BPD and that means you can never get better" when, really, it should be "You have BPD symptoms and I don't have the skills you need to get better".

I won't say that I don't have symptoms of BPD and I'd be willing to use DBT skills along with other skills. But I won't be told that BPD is the source of all the mental fuckery we deal with.

(As an aside, we still don't think of our abuse as severe abuse. Mairyn always reminds us that we don't remember the vast majority of our childhood, and that probably means shit was really bad. -snorts-)

[elialshadowpine]

Thank you for the scripts! I have a recommendation from my psych (who had no problem with poly -- actually, since moving back here I have yet to met a single person who has been unaware of poly/open marriages; it's apparently quite common here and most people have at least ONE friend or acquaintance who is poly/open/swinger) for a therapist who is queer friendly, trans aware (since in talking about childhood abuse the whole being raised as male and thus gender issues is bound to come up), and versed in abuse/PTSD.

tw mention of eating disorders?

One of the reasons I left my former psych is because she WOULD NOT stop bringing up topics about weight even though I told her it was triggering to me and while I didn't have an eating disorder, my dad did as much as he could to give me one, and if I am badgered about my weight I WILL fall into disordered eating patterns. And she hinted that she was going to make my mental health treatment contingent on my getting weight loss surgery... yeah.

I will hopefully not have these issues with the therapist my psych has suggested but I really appreciate these scripts in case I do, because I have a LOT of trouble verbalizing when I am having issues, and, well, this is partly my autism, but having a Script in my Rulebook helps me a LOT.

[ludy]

These are useful scripts - thankyou