Claustrophilia, proprioception, and the anger blanket

[kaberett]

Let's start up with some definitions: the anger blanket is my weighted blanket, single-duvet-sized and 7kg in mass; proprioception is broadly speaking knowing where your appendages are; and claustrophilia is liking being in enclosed spaces.

Weighted blankets, clothing, etc are generally marketed as sensory aids for autistic kids. To some extent, the idea is that we don't know where our limbs are - or have a looser sense of it than allistic folk - but that's not really the case for me, particularly. There's an extent to which I like the blanket because it makes it very definite where all of my me is, and makes it harder work to move - which is reassuring - but there is more to it than that.

Like: normal blankets and duvets and coverings are distressingly light. They move in ways I can't quite predict, with the kind of gentle touch that can make me panic if it catches me at the wrong moment, because it is too much. It's even worse in summer, when I need something covering me, but things with any heft are too warm, and I end up disconsolately trying to wrap myself up tight in a spare sheet and having it not really be good enough.

And: sometimes the only way for me to feel safe is to curl up somewhere walls at my back - preferably a corner, with a low roof, so under a desk or in the corner of a lower bunk - and the dark and the knowing that no-one else can get in and I can watch all approach routes and no-one and nothing can touch me unexpectedly and I can get arbitrary amounts of pressure against my back and legs by pressing into the walls.

And also: I talk a lot about feeling disconnected, disjointed, from my body - about how important scent and jewelry and other adornment are to reminding myself that I am real, that I am here, that we are a collective, my body and I; and about how this is... mm, not alternative, but additional to various coping/reminding mechanisms that are generally much more stigmatised/pathologised. Turns out, curling up under a weighted blanket is another way for me to get that feeling of groundedness, of location; is another tool in my box.

I am overcome with wonder every time I realise how much I have learned about myself.

Comments

[jjhunter]

Oh, interesting. I like blankets with heft too (though I don't mind ones that are light), but something about how you are describing the 'sometimes the only way for me to feel safe is' feeling is pinging resonance with my habit of liking best the seat where I can compute and I can see anyone who might approach me without someone being able to sneak up and look over my shoulder first. (It's not that my computer stuff is NSFW or non-work related at all aside from fairly tightly self-regulated short breaks; I just don't like being surprised when I am really focused.) I also like being up high, and fresh / cold air + natural light. Just because, I guess.

Anyway. Thanks for sharing — I find it really interesting to share second-hand in 'how does one understand $brain anyway'-type thinkings through.

[kaberett]

Yes yes yes to being high up, with cold air and natural light. Insofar as I know gods any more, that is where they live.

[silveradept]

Seconded on not wanting the place where people can sneak up on you, because I don't trust people to interpret what they see correctly, and because of that itchy feeling between the shoulder blades that happens when you're exposed to that environment.

Guess which workstation is mine.

I'll second natural light, though, when it's not shining directly into my eyes.

[highlyeccentric]

I take it from its name that the weighted blanket is especially comforting when one is angry?

I have great sympathy with your bedding woes. European duvet-only bedding styles are causing me much woe. I require layers of sheet, blankets, bedspreads and THEN duvet for proper snugness!

[kaberett]

Actually, that's something noldo & the woozl started sadly calling it at the point at which they were hefting it around the place several times a day - because 7kg isn't actually heavy, it's just a really awkward form factor...

[vass]

All of this is exactly true for me as well, with the complication that I also occasionally get claustrophobia too. Enclosed spaces that I can control and which I'm confident I can get in and out of, and which other people can't get into, and which are in a safe space, are wonderful; places that are enclosed but out in public and not under my control and I might get stuck in them are bad. I have nightmares about water slides sometimes.

A proper-sized weighted blanket is on my list of things to save up for; right now I have a 1.7kg weighted shawl, a ~500g wheat bag which I sometimes use unheated on my head, and about 4.5kg of tortoiseshell cat who sometimes volunteers as a blanket or a lap blanket.

When did you first figure out about weighted blankets? For me the first clue was at the dentist, getting x-rayed, thinking "I wish I could get a lead blanket of my own."

[kaberett]

Actually it was when an autistic friend was all "SO I JUST BOUGHT THE BEST THING EVER"! And then I thought about it and decided it probably was, and... yeah. :-)

[vass]

It really is. :D

[raze]

Great post - I suspect a lot of people feel this way but don't grasp the why of it or don't know how to articulate it. I want a weighted blanket so bad but from what I can see online, they're not quite in my budget at this time.

I really appreciate seeing another person who "gets it" about how light, unpredictable touch is just awful. Doesn't matter for me if it is clothing, something in my environment, or a person; people get frustrated because I'll flip out about someone accidentally brushing my arm, but not, say, punching my shoulder.

[kaberett]

So I have friends who have successfully made weighted blankets out of an old duvet cover and a lot of rice, FWIW.

And YES YES YES about light touch -- like, it is something I can sometimes tolerate during intimate contact with people I am dating and am very emotionally close to? Otherwise REALLY NO.

[annalytica]

"I am overcome with wonder every time I realise how much I have learned about myself."

Me too! I love hearing about the ways you figure out what things you need and why and how to get them. There are certain contexts where I am very good at learning from experience and getting better at something every time I do it, but meeting my own needs is mostly not one of them. I find it really interesting and inspiring reading about how you do this.

Also, I am currently doing an advent creative journalling thing on the theme "Comfort and Joy", and yesterday's prompt was thinking about comforting tactile things. So far I have just drawn a picture of a hug, but will have to experiment more. (today's prompt is comforting smells, which I think I will find easier)

[annalytica]

Also... the thing about wanting to see if people are approaching you makes perfect sense, but interestingly (well, I think it's interesting anyway, sorry if it is not interesting but derailing and missing the point) I am the opposite. This is quite convenient when out with my partner - he likes to sit in a corner looking out at the room, and I like to sit looking into the corner, so that I'm not distracted by the rest of the room.

[kaberett]

Brains are pretty much always interesting :-)

-- sorry for not having more words for you right now, but I like this and am really happy that you shared. <3

[annalytica]

That's OK, I don't require words from you!