Coming out (over and over again)

[kaberett]

I'm trans: specifically, genderqueer. My pronouns are "they".

I'm queer.

Please feel encouraged to ask questions, this weekend. If you're embarrassed about asking them in public, you can e-mail or PM me and I'll post the answer here.

This is important, because the more you understand the less likely you are to hurt people by fucking up. (I am, of course, assuming good faith; and I do not, of course, speak for everyone who shares identities with me; but I've read a lot and can probably point you in the right direction, and will do my best to explicitly flag up controversies where I'm aware of them.)

Comments

[ghoti]

< vague handwavey question about names, chosen and otherwise >

[kaberett]

Short version is: my given names were chosen with care and attention and an eye on history and I actually like them in addition to valuing the history. BUT the problem is that they are gendered, and I would be perfectly happy to continue using them if people didn't consider them additional evidence that I'm ~really a [whatever]~.

So. I chose a gender-neutral name and that is what I use day-to-day because it attaches fewer implicit assumptions to me, and the issue with people using my given names is not so much the names themselves - which, see above, I actually quite like them - but with the disrespect and misgendering that they disguise.

Does that go some of the way?

[ghoti]

Yes, quite. You got to the heart of my question without even having all the words. <3

Follow up question regarding things like Daniel/le vs gender-neutral vs changing completely (David / Anna, or similar)

[kaberett]

None of my given names really had useful neuter versions at all, let alone ones that I felt suited me, which is why I went for "completely new name". If I'd had names amenable to having a slash stuck in the middle I'd probably have gone for that TBH because it is a writing convention I love (and it's one lots of genderfluid people use!).

I kept my given names in their entirety (rather than just dropping to initials) for two reasons: one for mouthfeel/rhythm of my whole name (which is a thing that makes me happy, because I chose it and it is Right); and secondarily because a Deed Poll (which is not legally required for a change of name in the UK, but is in practice required in order for anyone to change over your documents, FUCK EVERYTHING, etc) requires you to make a legal declaration that you renounce all names you are changing away from and will not henceforth use them, and that... would obviously be required if I dropped the names and just kept the initials. So. There's some things.

I'm afraid I've got no idea on stats in a broader sense - I am pretty sure no-one's collected them, and if anyone were going to it would have to be an in-group thing, I think, rather than out-group - but. Yes. That is me & mine.

[katzenfabrik]

I had never even thought of having a personal name with a slash in the middle before, even though I'm familiar with s/he and Lehrer/innen, etc. I'm learning so much in this thread! Thank you, ghoti and kaberett. :)

It seems to me that Daniel/le would be very elegant in general use but that computerised systems would have a hard time dealing with it.

Edit: where my mum teaches, in Essex, the kids pronounce Daniel and Danielle in the same way, so this example would work extra well.