A Quick Primer on Misgendering Me
Apr. 9th, 2013 02:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberettAs ever, this goes for me only. Do not assume that anyone else does - or should - take the same attitude as I do at this stage in my life. [I note also that this is not intended for people who are misgendering me maliciously (hint: not okay).]
You will misgender me.
You will misgender me. It might never be out loud; it might only be in passing in your head; but I have yet to meet the person who will never misgender me.
I say this why? Because: I misgender people, too.
We are, all of us, fighting against more conditioning to automatically gender people than I care to give much thought to -- but we are; and there we go.
When you do? Correct yourself; apologise; and move on.
I don't want to hear about how difficult it is. I don't want to know how little sleep you've had this week. I don't want to be socially compelled to listen to your justifications and your explanations and your excuses. I don't want to hear about the times you misgendered me and it wasn't out loud, or I wasn't even around to notice it. I don't want to have to sit there with my smile through ever-more-firmly-gritted teeth as I reassure you that it's okay.
I. Misgender. People. Too.
I know how it happens. I know why it happens. I have heard, and been through, more reasons than you are ever going to give me. I don't want to sit through yet another iteration of "BUT IT IS SO HAAAAAAARD TO GENDER YOU CORRECTLY THAT I MUST BE FULLY ALERT AND ACTIVELY THINKING ABOUT IT IN ORDER TO NOT MAKE MISTAKES."
One: it's a really shitty thing to hear.
Two: when you misgender me, what you have just done - to pull out the standard social justice analogy - is step on my toe.
Some of us have broken toes. Some of us wear steel-capped boots. Regardless: when you step on someone's toe, the correct response is typically "Oh, sorry", with a side of "... are you alright?" - if it seems appropriate. Inappropriate responses include:
(1) shouting at the person for getting in your way, and
(2) spending five minutes apologising profusely to them about what a clumsy oaf you are, and how you should seek medical help, and how you've always suspected you're dyspraxic, and how it gets so much worse when your in-laws' cat has spent every night for the past three months pissing on you at three in the morning.
(1) means you are a douche. (2) just makes everyone uncomfortable. Really, really uncomfortable.
And so, in close and to reiterate: when you misgender me, correct yourself; apologise; and move on.
You will misgender me.
You will misgender me. It might never be out loud; it might only be in passing in your head; but I have yet to meet the person who will never misgender me.
I say this why? Because: I misgender people, too.
We are, all of us, fighting against more conditioning to automatically gender people than I care to give much thought to -- but we are; and there we go.
When you do? Correct yourself; apologise; and move on.
I don't want to hear about how difficult it is. I don't want to know how little sleep you've had this week. I don't want to be socially compelled to listen to your justifications and your explanations and your excuses. I don't want to hear about the times you misgendered me and it wasn't out loud, or I wasn't even around to notice it. I don't want to have to sit there with my smile through ever-more-firmly-gritted teeth as I reassure you that it's okay.
I. Misgender. People. Too.
I know how it happens. I know why it happens. I have heard, and been through, more reasons than you are ever going to give me. I don't want to sit through yet another iteration of "BUT IT IS SO HAAAAAAARD TO GENDER YOU CORRECTLY THAT I MUST BE FULLY ALERT AND ACTIVELY THINKING ABOUT IT IN ORDER TO NOT MAKE MISTAKES."
One: it's a really shitty thing to hear.
Two: when you misgender me, what you have just done - to pull out the standard social justice analogy - is step on my toe.
Some of us have broken toes. Some of us wear steel-capped boots. Regardless: when you step on someone's toe, the correct response is typically "Oh, sorry", with a side of "... are you alright?" - if it seems appropriate. Inappropriate responses include:
(1) shouting at the person for getting in your way, and
(2) spending five minutes apologising profusely to them about what a clumsy oaf you are, and how you should seek medical help, and how you've always suspected you're dyspraxic, and how it gets so much worse when your in-laws' cat has spent every night for the past three months pissing on you at three in the morning.
(1) means you are a douche. (2) just makes everyone uncomfortable. Really, really uncomfortable.
And so, in close and to reiterate: when you misgender me, correct yourself; apologise; and move on.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-09 01:36 pm (UTC)Feel similarly. May use this as a reference post in the future. That OK?
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Date: 2013-04-09 01:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-09 02:10 pm (UTC)(S)
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Date: 2013-04-09 07:16 pm (UTC)<tangent> I tend to do this when I am speaking of a person by a pronoun to a third party and I get the pronoun wrong: just because the person whose pronoun it is may not be around to hear it, I do not care to contribute more than I have to towards programming the wrong pronoun into that third party's head.
It is fun when someone misgenders someone else to me, and from past experience I expect the "please don't misgender that person" conversation to go (2). I am often okay with variants on (1) because that means I can Summer's Eve right on back. Which doesn't necessarily say good things about me either, but from then on out I can avoid that party. But I don't like (2) any better when it's talking about someone else than if the other party has just misgendered me.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-09 08:15 pm (UTC)And I am totally cool with people shouting about people doing (1) about me when I'm not present, and the people who _are_ present shouting right back - I just don't want to be around for it ;-)
(2): awkward for absolutely everyone, however tangentially involved in the situation.
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Date: 2013-04-09 09:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-11-08 09:48 am (UTC)I say this why? Because: I misgender people, too.
We are, all of us, fighting against more conditioning to automatically gender people than I care to give much thought to -- but we are; and there we go.
Thank you - I needed to hear this today, to remind me that I am not evil for having that conditioning or for occasionally misgendering my friends in my head. I just need to keep fighting against it.