[embodiment] notes on a nightmare
Sep. 15th, 2021 11:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberett[Content note: medical trauma various.]
There is a recurring motif in my nightmares, when I have them, that involves me collapsing suddenly and being unable to move voluntarily even to the extent of calling for help -- or speaking intelligibly once I'm found.
Until a little earlier this week -- in the aftermath of yet another GP appointment about migraine, in fact, and talking a little more about my specific medical trauma relating to chronic menstruation-related pain that I can't get anyone to take seriously no matter how carefully and thoroughly I prepare[1] -- I think I'd completely failed to realise that that's lifted directly from the time... almost exactly that did happen, in my first year at university, during my ill-fated time using the Mirena, against my better judgement. In summary: I woke up early one Sunday; the loo one floor down was occupied, so I went all the way to the ground floor; and then I promptly collapsed and spent 45 minutes lying on the floor in my dressing gown, having not brought my phone with me because why would I, in so much pain that I was struggling to breathe and I definitely couldn't effectively call for help on the couple of occasions I did hear someone walking past on the gravel outside. (I tried. It didn't work.)
Anyway. That incident ended up with an ambulance and an entertaining diversion into what is apparently my unusual interoception, but the thing that was notable about this instance of this dream (other than it not being the nightmare about A-level maths) is that partway through it, A found me, and I still couldn't communicate beyond small handflaps and intermittent non-verbal vocalisations, but A-in-my-dreams asked me questions phrased such that he could interpret my non-verbal answers, and generally looked after me and got me help and advocated for me, and it was still terrifying but for once, instead of being grimly aware that I Was Being Chased, I was taken care of.
So that's something.
[1] In advance of said appointment, I put together a four-page overview of My History With Migraines -- one page listing my diagnoses, current medications, family history with migraine, and personal history with migraine; one summarising my current symptoms and how they've progressed and changed since January, including a brief description of the functional impact; and two pages of headache diary. A had dropped them off at the GP practice for me last week, labelled as for Monday's appointment! They'd been scanned into the system! ... and the new-to-me GP hadn't even looked at them, so I wound up having to make facenoises about a bunch of shit I'd written down specifically so I wouldn't have to facenoise. My next set of script/prompt-notes needs to begin with "have you read my summary? please read my summary; I'll wait," sigh.
There is a recurring motif in my nightmares, when I have them, that involves me collapsing suddenly and being unable to move voluntarily even to the extent of calling for help -- or speaking intelligibly once I'm found.
Until a little earlier this week -- in the aftermath of yet another GP appointment about migraine, in fact, and talking a little more about my specific medical trauma relating to chronic menstruation-related pain that I can't get anyone to take seriously no matter how carefully and thoroughly I prepare[1] -- I think I'd completely failed to realise that that's lifted directly from the time... almost exactly that did happen, in my first year at university, during my ill-fated time using the Mirena, against my better judgement. In summary: I woke up early one Sunday; the loo one floor down was occupied, so I went all the way to the ground floor; and then I promptly collapsed and spent 45 minutes lying on the floor in my dressing gown, having not brought my phone with me because why would I, in so much pain that I was struggling to breathe and I definitely couldn't effectively call for help on the couple of occasions I did hear someone walking past on the gravel outside. (I tried. It didn't work.)
Anyway. That incident ended up with an ambulance and an entertaining diversion into what is apparently my unusual interoception, but the thing that was notable about this instance of this dream (other than it not being the nightmare about A-level maths) is that partway through it, A found me, and I still couldn't communicate beyond small handflaps and intermittent non-verbal vocalisations, but A-in-my-dreams asked me questions phrased such that he could interpret my non-verbal answers, and generally looked after me and got me help and advocated for me, and it was still terrifying but for once, instead of being grimly aware that I Was Being Chased, I was taken care of.
So that's something.
[1] In advance of said appointment, I put together a four-page overview of My History With Migraines -- one page listing my diagnoses, current medications, family history with migraine, and personal history with migraine; one summarising my current symptoms and how they've progressed and changed since January, including a brief description of the functional impact; and two pages of headache diary. A had dropped them off at the GP practice for me last week, labelled as for Monday's appointment! They'd been scanned into the system! ... and the new-to-me GP hadn't even looked at them, so I wound up having to make facenoises about a bunch of shit I'd written down specifically so I wouldn't have to facenoise. My next set of script/prompt-notes needs to begin with "have you read my summary? please read my summary; I'll wait," sigh.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-09-15 11:16 pm (UTC)I walked out of a doctor's office (okay, more stumped with my cane and and a thunderous face) when it came to light they hadn't read my carefully prepared notes. Told 'em if they couldn't come to work prepared, I wasn't going to trust them to have been a decent study in their years of med school.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-09-15 11:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-09-16 10:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-09-15 11:42 pm (UTC)It is really powerful to insert something that helps into a trauma-related memory/dream/mental script, and it is really great that your brain managed to do that. "Terrifying but being taken care of" is a huge step forward. Hurrah!
I am very annoyed about the 10-minute appointment slots thing that most GPs have to adhere to. It does not give them time to prepare properly. I am very sure that they don't read people's files properly, ever. (I mean, I have been argued with about whether I have a gallbladder or not, to the point where I pulled up my shirt to show the characteristic three laparoscopic cholecystectomy scars.) It is infuriating, and I am infuriated for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-09-16 09:51 am (UTC)