link-hunting

[kaberett]

So. Ask vs Guess culture [MeFi link].

I know I saw an excellent follow-up discussion about the failure mode of "ask" being "tell", and the failure mode of "offer" being "guess". I am however utterly failing to track it down, the search terms not being... especially helpful. I don't suppose any of you know both (1) what I'm talking about and (2) where to find it?

Comments

[steorra]

Might it be the comments to this Captain Awkward post? The most relevant-looking comments are findable with a page-search for "offer".

EDIT: Oh, there's even a comment in there on "Tell Culture". I bet that is it.

I found it by searching your journal for {ask guess offer}, finding this comment from 2015 where you mentioned "the camp of Ask/Offer (failure modes Tell/Guess) per Captain Awkward", and then searching Captain Awkward for "ask culture" and looking only for old-enough posts.

[kaberett]

oh EXCELLENT, thank you so much -- I thought I'd gone through all the Captain Awkward posts but evidently not! And I should really remember that I can search my own journal.

many many thank again! <3

[steorra]

You're welcome! Glad I could help!

[jedusor]

hrm. I think when it comes to my own needs I assume I'm supposed to ask, and when it comes to other people's needs I assume I'm supposed to offer. and I view other people offering to meet my needs as a sign that I've failed to ask appropriately, but other people asking me to meet their needs is a sign that I've failed to offer appropriately. hrrrrrmmmmmmm.

[kaberett]

... <3

[silveradept]

That was interesting to read, thank you. Also, it reminds me of dynamics with The Terrible Ex, and how things got out of joint in communication between us. A lot of which had to do with boundary-pushing and a lot of which had to do with not actually listening to the responses when she did choose to directly ask.