[books] Daring Greatly, Brené Brown
Oct. 11th, 2019 11:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberettI first picked up a physical copy of this book from the library, way back in July 2018, but was feeling much too swamped to get to it before it needed to be returned (and I couldn't just renew, because someone else had inconsiderately placed a hold on it). At the time, vass summarised it to me as "annoying and also useful".
At the beginning of August, I read Brené Brown's Daring Greatly, and in the process of so doing took nine pages of dense notes. This was partly a function of having borrowed an ebook from the library, such that I ended up copying out particularly resonant passages longhand to have them to refer back to, rather than simply underlining them (in a physical copy) or highlighting them (in an ebook I myself own), but a lot of it is my active engagement with the text: feelings and reflections and agreement and, of course, argument.
Because, well,vass was Not Wrong.
The irritants are by-and-large things where, mmm, I can see how Brown got there, but that doesn't actually mean I think they should have made it through to publication. My problems range in scale. In chapter 6, Brown says
She's not wrong, either: to my mind the worst patches of the book are, pretty consistently, the passages where she's let self-righteousness take the lead. For example: there's several pages dedicated to the "we should all use our Real Names online" argument. There is the absolute bullshit claim that "If we don't have the energy or time to [look people in the eye when we speak to them] we should stay at home." (There's a similar lack of awareness of disability and impairment and crip culture, I think, when she talks about how "disengagement" - a failure to reach out regularly, in small ways - is a fundamental betrayal of friendship.) And she is breathtakingly condescending about what counts as Real Child Abuse, up to and including blurring the line between "what media do we let the kids consume?" and "do we give them access to adequate medical care?" I'm really very comfortable, for instance, that when I judge parents for refusing to vaccinate their children that's not about my own feelings of "scarcity" and "shame". (I realise as I'm writing this up that Brown might, of course, be using a weird definition of "judge"; I'd like to go back and check that but firstly I suspect it wasn't explicit & secondly I have yet to actually buy myself a physical copy to Refer To.)
The next tier down is stuff where I still think she's wrong, but it feels more like errors of oversight & omission, and rather less like she's mounted a soapbox to proclaim her wrongness unto the heavens. She's very keen on the central metaphor of Velveteen Rabbit, which, well, is also not something I get on with. She's not great at recognising and acknowledging and integrating the effects of systemic oppression and sick systems: she's got lines about "they're unable to escape the feeling that they are victims in situations where they're not" and "we can resist buying into and perpetuating the public stereotyping of professions that by their nature operate in realms of personal stress" that sit uncomfortably together, for me, mired as I currently am intaking the government to courtseeking a tribunal review of my disability benefits award.
And then there's the annoyance arising simply from careless or inconsistent or imprecise writing, things like asserting that shame is both universal and actively taught, in a way that doesn't explore the interaction of those possibilities.
Those criticisms aside (it probably helped that I was taking notes as I went along, so I could write a furious all-caps rant about The Bullshit and then set it down), I very much did find this book useful. Some of that's theoretical framework; some of it's validation of things I'm already doing; some of it's questions to consider further; some of it's things to try. As a pretty direct consequence of reading and engaging with the book, I've managed to bridge some longstanding gaps in my understanding of myself, which definitely makes the exercise worthwhile for me.
The background: Brown researches (human, social) connection, which has led to explorations of shame, and resilience, and scarcity, and worthiness, and vulnerability. She believes vulnerability -- healthy, sustainable vulnerability -- to be key to living what she terms Wholeheartedly; I arrived at this book in the middle of an ongoing struggle with feeling isolated and lonely and unsure of of how to address it, and this framework -- of what vulnerability is, and how it functions, and how it relates to the human condition -- feels like exactly what I need.
The fundamental argument that feeling is vulnerability and connection is predicated on vulnerability resonates with me: with the sense (that I've discussed here occasionally) that while I think I'm interesting, I don't expect others to find me interesting; with the sense that I'm Too Much; with the sense that I have to keep myself monitored, in check, controlled. Constantly working to shield others from myself is a neat inversion of much of the armour she describes, and yet when she lists examples of ways people complete the prompt "Vulnerability is..." I feel them humming through me: standing up for myself, saying no, admitting I'm afraid (where to admit is to let in), hoping the real me isn't too disappointing; to be afraid that I'm not enough. Brown highlights, gently, the ways that not enough -- scarcity -- is a default state for many of us: from a first thought on waking of "not enough sleep" to a default self-description of "not ______ enough", fear and shame and a pervasive sense of inadequacy encourage us to hunch and flinch away from our selves.
The opposite of scarcity, she says, isn't abundance, isn't "more than you could ever imagine": it's enough. Sufficiency. This is leaned on hard: where we feel uncertain or inadequate we (I) often reassure ourselves with contempt & unkindness, with judging others, with deciding that at least we're better than that, and oh but I recognise myself in this, my desperate desire to maybe win a temporary safety by at least not being "the worst". I'm ashamed, but they should be more ashamed, so I can probably keep going for now.
I'm still feeling out how boundaried vulnerability might work for me. I think I used to know how to do this, at least some; I can pinpoint at least some of the forgetting to a combination of some bad break-ups, my housing situation, and the absence of support at work circa 2015-2016.
Here is some of where I'm at, though: I am afraid of vulnerability, but (to be vulnerable is to be capable of being wounded; to be weak is to be unable to withstand attack or injury) fear is the mirror-twin of hope, and hope goes hand-in-hand with at least some forms of resilience and is a cousin to joy.
I'm already, to my surprise, doing okay at some of this. I was a little startled that much of how I (try to) apologise was offered as an example of vulnerability: to say "I see that I hurt you, and I'm sorry, and here's how I'll try to do better" is something I remember, dimly, being terrified of, but now comes as easy to me as breathing (which is to say, with intermittent discomfort and a good deal of thought); it's helpful to have the reminder that these are things I can learn, even the ones that feel daunting or impossible or unimaginable now.
There's plenty I'm thinking about in an ongoing sense (on which more posts to follow as I untangle at least some of it); the one I'm (ruefully) laughing at myself over most is, well,
vass summarised it to me as "annoying and also useful".At the beginning of August, I read Brené Brown's Daring Greatly, and in the process of so doing took nine pages of dense notes. This was partly a function of having borrowed an ebook from the library, such that I ended up copying out particularly resonant passages longhand to have them to refer back to, rather than simply underlining them (in a physical copy) or highlighting them (in an ebook I myself own), but a lot of it is my active engagement with the text: feelings and reflections and agreement and, of course, argument.
Because, well,
vass was Not Wrong.The irritants are by-and-large things where, mmm, I can see how Brown got there, but that doesn't actually mean I think they should have made it through to publication. My problems range in scale. In chapter 6, Brown says
Luckily, this work has taught me that when I feel self-righteous, it means I'm afraid. It's a way to puff up and protect myself when I'm afraid of being wrong, making someone angry, or getting blamed.
She's not wrong, either: to my mind the worst patches of the book are, pretty consistently, the passages where she's let self-righteousness take the lead. For example: there's several pages dedicated to the "we should all use our Real Names online" argument. There is the absolute bullshit claim that "If we don't have the energy or time to [look people in the eye when we speak to them] we should stay at home." (There's a similar lack of awareness of disability and impairment and crip culture, I think, when she talks about how "disengagement" - a failure to reach out regularly, in small ways - is a fundamental betrayal of friendship.) And she is breathtakingly condescending about what counts as Real Child Abuse, up to and including blurring the line between "what media do we let the kids consume?" and "do we give them access to adequate medical care?" I'm really very comfortable, for instance, that when I judge parents for refusing to vaccinate their children that's not about my own feelings of "scarcity" and "shame". (I realise as I'm writing this up that Brown might, of course, be using a weird definition of "judge"; I'd like to go back and check that but firstly I suspect it wasn't explicit & secondly I have yet to actually buy myself a physical copy to Refer To.)
The next tier down is stuff where I still think she's wrong, but it feels more like errors of oversight & omission, and rather less like she's mounted a soapbox to proclaim her wrongness unto the heavens. She's very keen on the central metaphor of Velveteen Rabbit, which, well, is also not something I get on with. She's not great at recognising and acknowledging and integrating the effects of systemic oppression and sick systems: she's got lines about "they're unable to escape the feeling that they are victims in situations where they're not" and "we can resist buying into and perpetuating the public stereotyping of professions that by their nature operate in realms of personal stress" that sit uncomfortably together, for me, mired as I currently am in
And then there's the annoyance arising simply from careless or inconsistent or imprecise writing, things like asserting that shame is both universal and actively taught, in a way that doesn't explore the interaction of those possibilities.
Those criticisms aside (it probably helped that I was taking notes as I went along, so I could write a furious all-caps rant about The Bullshit and then set it down), I very much did find this book useful. Some of that's theoretical framework; some of it's validation of things I'm already doing; some of it's questions to consider further; some of it's things to try. As a pretty direct consequence of reading and engaging with the book, I've managed to bridge some longstanding gaps in my understanding of myself, which definitely makes the exercise worthwhile for me.
Vulnerability is the core of all emotions. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness.
The background: Brown researches (human, social) connection, which has led to explorations of shame, and resilience, and scarcity, and worthiness, and vulnerability. She believes vulnerability -- healthy, sustainable vulnerability -- to be key to living what she terms Wholeheartedly; I arrived at this book in the middle of an ongoing struggle with feeling isolated and lonely and unsure of of how to address it, and this framework -- of what vulnerability is, and how it functions, and how it relates to the human condition -- feels like exactly what I need.
The fundamental argument that feeling is vulnerability and connection is predicated on vulnerability resonates with me: with the sense (that I've discussed here occasionally) that while I think I'm interesting, I don't expect others to find me interesting; with the sense that I'm Too Much; with the sense that I have to keep myself monitored, in check, controlled. Constantly working to shield others from myself is a neat inversion of much of the armour she describes, and yet when she lists examples of ways people complete the prompt "Vulnerability is..." I feel them humming through me: standing up for myself, saying no, admitting I'm afraid (where to admit is to let in), hoping the real me isn't too disappointing; to be afraid that I'm not enough. Brown highlights, gently, the ways that not enough -- scarcity -- is a default state for many of us: from a first thought on waking of "not enough sleep" to a default self-description of "not ______ enough", fear and shame and a pervasive sense of inadequacy encourage us to hunch and flinch away from our selves.
The opposite of scarcity, she says, isn't abundance, isn't "more than you could ever imagine": it's enough. Sufficiency. This is leaned on hard: where we feel uncertain or inadequate we (I) often reassure ourselves with contempt & unkindness, with judging others, with deciding that at least we're better than that, and oh but I recognise myself in this, my desperate desire to maybe win a temporary safety by at least not being "the worst". I'm ashamed, but they should be more ashamed, so I can probably keep going for now.
I'm still feeling out how boundaried vulnerability might work for me. I think I used to know how to do this, at least some; I can pinpoint at least some of the forgetting to a combination of some bad break-ups, my housing situation, and the absence of support at work circa 2015-2016.
Here is some of where I'm at, though: I am afraid of vulnerability, but (to be vulnerable is to be capable of being wounded; to be weak is to be unable to withstand attack or injury) fear is the mirror-twin of hope, and hope goes hand-in-hand with at least some forms of resilience and is a cousin to joy.
I'm already, to my surprise, doing okay at some of this. I was a little startled that much of how I (try to) apologise was offered as an example of vulnerability: to say "I see that I hurt you, and I'm sorry, and here's how I'll try to do better" is something I remember, dimly, being terrified of, but now comes as easy to me as breathing (which is to say, with intermittent discomfort and a good deal of thought); it's helpful to have the reminder that these are things I can learn, even the ones that feel daunting or impossible or unimaginable now.
There's plenty I'm thinking about in an ongoing sense (on which more posts to follow as I untangle at least some of it); the one I'm (ruefully) laughing at myself over most is, well,
"Maybe I should set aside some time each week to just feel and pay attention to my feelings, I thought. "... maybe that's some of what's GOOD ABOUT THERAPY," I thought.
related: therapy is a space in which I don't worry about having to "earn" the "right" to be vulnerable, because that's what I'm paying for.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-11 10:45 pm (UTC)I am at least pretty sure it does a good enough job of setting up what I want to talk about next, though, so.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-11 10:55 pm (UTC)This is true, but for me is also . . . mmmm, incomplete.
Because the fact is I'm probably already working within a framework of why the "they" in this case also does actually deserve compassion and is not actually Absolute Garbage. Their behaviour, or their state-of-being, is certainly in some way objectively "worse" than mine (they have harmed more people, their house is more of a mess, whatever), but THEY still get to be humans who shouldn't drop dead where they stand in order to stop using up oxygen other people deserve more.
So logically: so do I.
When I look at my overspending on Sim-game shit and think "well at least it's not heroin", it's not because I have loathing and contempt for those for whom it would be; it's because a heroin addiction would in fact leave me materially worse off in all respects and be much more dangerous and harmful, and since I still already think that people who have a heroin addiction are humans worthy of good things, ERGO . . .
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-11 11:02 pm (UTC)I do increasingly manage to extend compassion as default with my second or third thoughts; it's just the pesky first thoughts, as is ever the way.
(it's okay i'm on my way to bed i'm just waiting for the bathroom to come free)
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 03:28 am (UTC)I think there's also a certain amount of value to me (MMV) of not . . .no I think the way to think about it might be that I'm extending compassion TO my First Thoughts.
My personal struggles with a lot of the framing that Brown-types do with this stuff* is that it often seems to insist people be all-one-thing, or designate one specific state/frame of being as "most authentic" (which is usually tied to "vulnerable" in ways that were . . . explicitly/specifically used to my detriment? Unfortunately), and that doesn't work for me.
I feel and think a lot of things at once and all of them are real and all of them are me. When a baby wakes me up by crying in the middle of the night and I need to tend to it I absolutely do have the THOUGHT of "OMG SMOL THING STFU I AM TOO TIRED FOR YOUR SHIT", and having that thought or set of feelings as First Thought type immediate shallow reactions is . . . not determinative.
And maybe some people actually do manage to get Love Feelings and Warm Fuzzies and all that stuff all the way down to their First Thoughts/Immediate Responses but all indicators are I ain't one of them and trying just turned me into a doormat that eventually lashed out from being harmed?
But I am absolutely able to go "ah yes there is the immediate surge of annoyance, and the far more important and significant and meaningful Second Thought here is: baby is crying, time to go make self into Grownup That Soothes Babies, despite being tired, it being the middle of the night, and all that stuff, even if it turns out that part of why the baby is crying is because the diaper slipped and there is now baby-shit all over the ENTIRE CRIB that needs to be cleaned."*
I'm not sure how coherent this is (I've already accidentally a twitter thread on why everything is Rome's fault) but I suppose it maybe comes down to: it's not that I extend compassion with First Thoughts, like Right Away Automatically (Iiii probably do not, in fact, I'm kind of a horrible person often), it's more that . . . I have decided that what my values actually ARE, are reflective of the compassion which is extended second-thoughts-wise, even if the monkey-brain offered up a hiss of nastiness first.
And I extend that (or . . . try to) to me as well as outwardly, so a thought that might start as a mean-contempt "well at least I'm not THAT bad" goes through "actually you know that person isn't Bad/Unworthy Of Being Human EITHER, so reasses that thought you just had", and then ends up with "....but given that that person ISN'T Bad/Unworthy then . . . .neither am I, I guess."
Thingie, squirrl.
*real thing that has happened
*which is not to say that it's not valuable or can't be hugely revelatory - this is not an objective-aiming statement of "this is what's wrong with them", the frame "this is the problem I have with it" is specific and deliberate
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 11:31 am (UTC)I think at least some of the value I get out of the First Thoughts framing here is "ah, this is a book written for a mainstream audience that does also apply this model of how First Thoughts work and what Anger And Self-Righteousness Mean, and compassion in Second Thoughts is a path enough other people have successfully taken that it's data".
We contain multitudes, and that.
(Perfectly well coherent, and I have... had a very similar babysitting gig.)
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 06:10 pm (UTC)And yeah, as noted, I totally see how it can be useful/data.
I mean it's always an issue of . . . what do these words mean to the person reading them, and where do they come from, and as noted I can actually totally see where many of her words are useful to people in certain contexts!
Ironically where I bounce super. hard. off her (and always have) is Brown's own . . . difficulty, with recognizing this, and recognizing how her own positionality (as a very specific kind of white woman with a specific kind of heritage and acculturation and gender presentation even within the frame of "woman" . . . ) affects how and why her revelations have worked that way for her and her understanding, and I bounce hard off that for very particular reasons.
(Namely: just about everything she says I heard in a very similar form from That One Aunt, where it mostly represented a complete rejection of every way in which I was different, had different needs, had different traumas (or had any traumas at all) et cetera, from the image of me said Aunt had in her head, which was mostly about filling a very specific hole in HER soul, and fucked me up HUGELY. So it's a very specific kind of thing.)
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 03:33 am (UTC)"THEY still get to be humans who shouldn't drop dead where they stand in order to stop using up oxygen other people deserve more" that's about par for how my suicidality manifests (except, thankfully for my anxiety, I almost never think about *oxygen* being technically scarce), although it likes to borrow Scrooge's "surplus population" phrasing.(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 03:39 am (UTC)Suicidality is shite. I offer tea shared in solidarity.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 04:05 am (UTC)and thanks <3
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 06:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-11 11:37 pm (UTC)She goes into a lot of detail about the people she encounters who are really resistant to that idea, and I share a lot of characteristics with them LOL, and ever since I read that, I've been trying to adopt that world view. I mean, I can't with everybody. I will never believe that abusers or whatever are doing the best they can.
IDK It was an interesting, if simplistically written, book.
I enjoyed reading your write up of this one.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 10:29 am (UTC)One of the things I'm thinking about a lot, at the moment, is that while I might grudgingly be willing to believe that everyone is doing "the best they can", I do not believe that we're all working towards the same goals. Like: I think it is entirely plausible that, say, Boris Johnson is doing is best to work toward his own personal gain; I do not for one instant believe he gives a single solitary shit about even my well-being, and I'm young/white/pretty/Oxbridge educated/etc in addition to being disabled. Which, heh, is more-or-less what you said.
(I'm *handwobble* on the question of abusers: I think it's very easy to fall into abusive behaviour as the natural extension of Ordinary Human Behaviour, where people really are e.g. Doing The Best They Can at Minimising Their Own Distress with inadequate tools and a total failure to really engage with the fundamental reality of others' experiences. What matters for me is the extent to which people are i. receptive and ii. proactive on being told "hey, this thing you're doing is fucking people up", but I... also absolutely have known people who engaged in patterns of abuse For Fun, and that can fuck right off. At the point at which you're knowingly, actively continuing to harm other people when you've been explicitly told about all the other options available to you and you're just Not Interested, I'm willing to believe you've been hurt a lot! I'm willing to believe you've been really badly failed! AND ALSO matters need to be arranged such that you STOP THAT.)
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 11:45 am (UTC)We're on the same page about this.
I'll be interested to see what you think of Rising Strong.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 06:13 pm (UTC)But that there are also people who just aren't bothering. I actually tend to think Johnson is one of them: I DON'T think he's doing the best he can, I think he decided he didn't HAVE to.
I think some abusers are in category A and some are in category B, but I think that almost all of category B will end up abusing someone (if not many people) at some point, which I suppose is the difference.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 11:10 am (UTC)I'm going in circles a lot at the moment over... this, basically: I think I'm broadly of the opinion that a lot of the people running newspapers are being extremely cynical, and don't have any particular interest in (ha) the "common good", but I'm trying to convince myself that a lot of the people who believe them are fundamentally operating from a place of overwhelm and scarcity and don't have the cope to Engage More Deeply and Would Change Their Minds Given The Opportunity. I'm simultaneously aware that this is some condescending paternalistic bullshit and that I kind of need to believe it to be able to leave the house at all at the moment, so. :-/
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 03:29 pm (UTC)I mean, I also believe this, I just also believe that an extra qualifier here is "might change their minds if those of us who want to change their minds could figure out the right way to frame and communicate things around all OUR place of overwhelm and scarcity."
Like: I think we're right, obviously, or I wouldn't be . . . us. XD But I also think that and have arrived at that conclusion in many ways via VERY different routes from A Lot Of People, and in fact from a position where the general rhetoric and way the information is USUALLY presented was an impediment, because Communication Is Insanely Hard.
So there's elements of like . . . what reason DOES Jo/e Brexiter have to listen to me? Like obviously I think I'm right, I think I understand the situation better than they do, but "objective" correctness/lack thereof has more or less fuck all to do with human communication and how we transmit ideas one to the other, and while sure I managed to find all this information there are various circumstances in my life that their life may not share.
And the brain space that I have the luxury in my life of dedicating to Understanding How Integrated Wealth Actually Works (which is not the same as how "money" works, etc) may in fact in their case be occupied by "how do I keep my job" or "how do I keep from having a total collapse while looking after my elderly mother who hates me" or whatever, and they're also coming from positions where Words Mean Specific Things To Them, and now I'm here telling them that the way they understand the whole world is Wrong, and using words that Mean Particular Things and so what I say sounds Fucking Crazy.
And what reason does that person have to listen to me, as opposed to anyone else? If I were them, in their exact shoes, why the hell would I listen to me?
Which can be a very overwhelming thing because then one runs up against the Oh God How Can We Get People To Be Better Ever At All It's All Hopeless, so it's not a panacea, but it's like . . .yeah honestly most of those people probably ARE doing basically the best they can with what they have, and if we want to change that we have to find ways to give them more of the right kind of resources (change what they "have") in order to let them do better, and it's incumbent on US to figure out how to make that look like a good idea, because WE'RE the ones who want the outcome of them doing so?
And of course we can't do that individually, alone, just by our powers of persuasion: this is the kind of thing that needs collective action, and multiple approaches, and both people yelling in op-eds and also large institutions of power going "no this is not acceptable" but ALSO "Hope not Hate" tea-times and Human Libraries where there is space for someone who currently what they have is a bunch of fear, prejudice and Wrong Beliefs to come and discuss without being pilloried or risking their Entire Sense of Self - this is where it gets complicated and trial-and-error and because we're naked plains apes nobody WANTS to grasp that you may AT THE SAME TIME have to go "no we don't Debate with Nazis" and yet also have space for Gently Persuasive Discussion with the people who have not ACTUALLY CROSSED that event horizon but are saying some crappy Nazi-shaped things, and . . . .
Yeah.
....so in essence it's still Dialectics All The Way Down. *sigh*
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-11 11:55 pm (UTC)my brain is also flat out refusing to attempt engaging with anything else in the post /o\
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 10:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 01:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 10:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 02:25 am (UTC)To feeling and vulnerability I might also add 'the kind of poetry I want to write more'. Also parkour, as a physical way to push fear and build resilience and explore myself and my surrounds more ably.
Thank you for the welcoming in of your sharing in this post. I find much to connect to in it and with you. <3
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 10:49 am (UTC)I really did find it worthwhile. I have a lot of thinking to do.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 04:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 10:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 06:15 pm (UTC)I think at most what you will do is almost the equivalent of sending psychopaths to therapy: her work CAN be and IS used harmfully, or twisted around to serve incredibly narcissistic purposes and gaslighty purposes, and I think if you don't engage with the trauma and developmental trauma of those people (which is RAMPANT) you're . . . mostly going to give them tools to do that.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 11:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 03:08 pm (UTC)And her response to that is sort of go "oh well that's ~*not my package!!*~" and back away and insist that's a tooootally different ~*thing*~ than what she's talking about, much like she does with trauma in specific.
So like instead of going what I'd go (which is "okay you know, this observation may be true, but then how does one NEGOTIATE that when we're talking about, say, a kid in significant impoverished/at-risk circumstances for whom 'being vulnerable' may in fact have huge consequences?" ie "okay sure living in constant defensive paranoia is always going to fuck you up but what do you do if people ARE out to get you?"), she just . . . . pushes all of that away? Because she has SORTED THIS OUT okay stop . . . .making it seem like it might not be! sorted! AUGHH.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 10:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 10:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 02:20 pm (UTC)Yeah, I remember when I first heard Brown wrote that - I think via vass -
and thinking "Yeah, at the moment I leave the house 2x a month to 4x month, if I followed that advice it would be 0x per month!"
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 11:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 03:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-12 03:57 pm (UTC)Ehhh, I think there's three real patches of Nope and the rest of it is intermittently mildly irritating (to me, given my stylistic taste) but genuinely useful. I mean, I'm reading her other two early books. :-p
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 05:24 am (UTC)I see you, friend <3
that while I think I'm interesting, I don't expect others to find me interesting; with the sense that I'm Too Much; with the sense that I have to keep myself monitored, in check, controlled
*nodnod* (Related problem: having to Be Interesting, as the price of being included.)
standing up for myself, saying no, admitting I'm afraid (where to admit is to let in), hoping the real me isn't too disappointing; to be afraid that I'm not enough.
*nods again*
Leonard Cohen lyric that jumped out at me when I was listening to 'Sisters of Mercy' yesterday:
"Yes, you who must leave everything that you cannot control
It begins with your family, but soon it comes round to your soul
Well, I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned:
When you're not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you've sinned"
I think I used to know how to do this, at least some
I can remember you being radically vulnerable, and exposing more of your self to the open net than seemed, well, boundaried, and that it looked like you believed it was your moral duty or responsibility, rather than something that was giving you yourself enough direct benefit for what it was costing you.
oh but I recognise myself in this, my desperate desire to maybe win a temporary safety by at least not being "the worst".
Yeah. It's very hard to root out, that one. Personally I find that even rooting it out often means I just start lying to myself and not noticing when I do it. Competition is so easy, and on some levels so rewarding. (Are you familiar with Kimya Dawson? If not, 'The Competition' might speak to you. "I never wanted to be better than my friends / I just wanted to prove wrong the people in my head...")
Here is some of where I'm at, though: I am afraid of vulnerability, but (to be vulnerable is to be capable of being wounded; to be weak is to be unable to withstand attack or injury) fear is the mirror-twin of hope, and hope goes hand-in-hand with at least some forms of resilience and is a cousin to joy.
This sounds hopeful.
I'm already, to my surprise, doing okay at some of this.
I think you already know a lot of principles that Dr Brown wouldn't expect most of her readers to know.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 03:16 pm (UTC)FWIW, these two things are not mutually exclusive. In the realm of Using Self As Example (because my stories are the ones I am most allowed to tell):
I absolutely used to do exactly that, and for the MOST PART it just . . . wasn't good? for me? at all? And is why I do NOT do this now.
But a fringe benefit/flood gift/unexpected silver lining of that period were several to-this-day ongoing good connections that it is quite possible, even likely, I would not have made had I been more guarded/boundaried at the time.
So sometimes it feels like, looking back, "wait I used to be able to do that" and it's like . . . .well yeah that's sort of like how I USED to be able to religiously and without apparent effort Clean A Whole Apartment in less than three hours once a week.
Except that the things that made that possible were things that also highly increased my rigidity and inability to adapt to circumstances, which caused significant conflict (unnecessary conflict) and unhappiness in people who shared my life, the fact that I was 22 rather than 35 (so operating on 5 hours or less of sleep was relatively easy), and living on a continual cycle of "run at full throttle or crash, no in between" with associated Crazy.
Giving ground to the effects of aging, learning flexibilty and so on had, as side effect, the consequence of eroding what made it possible for me to do that specific form of housecleaning.
Likewise, learning how not to let the entire world rip me in six directions until I lashed out from sheer animal panic response removed that specific way that was "easy" to be the kind of vulnerable people like Brown hold up as critical. And figuring out how to be that kind of vulnerable while NOT getting Fucked Over is very likely critical! But a lot more . . . well. Challenging.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 01:31 pm (UTC)I might have another try.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-13 11:54 pm (UTC)I keep thinking about this line. It's brilliant. Could I maybe post it in the metaquotes comm? (it's ok to say no)
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-14 06:51 am (UTC)Hee, I am flattered! Yes, by all means.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-15 07:24 pm (UTC)I have heard about this book but have yet to read it myself. This was a thoroughly interesting post, particularly the parts around the value of vulnerability in social interactions and sufficiency as the opposite of scarcity. Both really resonate with me right now. It is certainly true that I value people as friends more if they show some feeling to me (up to a certain level) as opposed to being perfectly neutral and seemingly more logical than Spock. At the same time, I often feel uncomfortable being vulnerable around people I know, especially if they are more than acquaintances but not quite friends. Reading this post made me realise that that is somewhat contradictory. Hm. Interesting.
I also have a goal of wanting to pay more attention and give more space, internally, to my own feelings. Both in therapy and also outside of it. Both is hard for me but especially doing it outside of therapy, which tells me that that is probably the most important bit.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this book!