Worship

[kaberett]

I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do.

(This post assumes everything previously written about symbology and power and art that has sprung from necessity.)

The Catholicism's pretty deeply ingrained, one way or another. When I am stripped down to my essentials in communion - and yes that's a euphemism, but it's also something I mean, something that is as far as I am concerned the point - I find myself stumbling, in wonder, over the want the desire the need to say, softly, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and I shall be healed or with my body I thee worship or or or - these phrases that carry the weight of ritual, that encompass every meaning they've been given back and further back, that are vehicles for awe and astonishment; that are transformed from inadequacy to genuine expression of all that one cannot possibly begin to grasp by their history.

How profound such profanity can be, indeed.

And that's the thing: I've been saying the penitential rite my whole life, and I've only just realised that of course - of course - it informs my belief that choice is sacred. I have grown in a framework of sins of commission and omission both: in what I have done and what I have failed to do, and that attributes such sins directly to my fault, my most grevious fault. There is no neutral choice; there is no choice not made; but choice, beng sacred, is demeaned and dishonoured through inattention and inaction. Choices made passively and by default are profaned; choice-theft is the greatest crime.

Or something. I'm still working this out, and I think I'd benefit from finding some actual exegesis on this, but. There's a thread here, about what it means for me to choose (and to choose intimacy and honesty, and the grace I am gifted in the space I am given to make those choices), and I'm going to follow it.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Want I should bug my brother the Catholic theologian in training about whether he knows of any exegesis on the topic of choice vis-a-vis sins of c/o[m]mission? (Wait these words are not actually spelled the same...)

[kaberett]

THAT WAS A PROBLEM I HAD YES re spelling

Will have a think and get back to you re brother - I have some similarly-inclined friends and family, but I poetically want to start with books or possibly a local priest...

[alexseanchai]

Gotcha

[cadenzamuse]

Would love to hear what you dig up in exegesis.

When I am having problems going to things because anxiety, T. tends to ask, "Are you choosing not to go to class, or are you not going by default?" For him, me dafaulting to not going is profaned choice. (And holy shit, the etymology, default, away + fail, fail to do, push away or deny my fault.)

I...am not sure how I feel about this, because not-choosing for me is staying safe cocooned in the still center of inaction, where time is frozen and no consequences have yet come to pass. So certainly choosing is "better" in terms of "more neurotypical," or, charitably, "more whole," because it's a step away from the anxiety safe place. (My anxiety manifests in long, long bouts of freeze response, that are both terrifying and safe, because play dead don't move and nothing can find me.)

So I have a hard time believing for myself that choice default is inherently bad, because it is safe. Even if is only safe from a "survive" point, and no longer useful, perhaps backwards, in the context of getting free.

[el_staplador]

Oh, goodness, that's interesting. I feel terribly strongly about responsibility, about claiming my full humanity and about making conscious sovereign choices being part of that, and yet it's only in the past few years that I've broken free of the monster that doesn't like me getting to make choices because what if it all goes wrong and it's my fault?

[kaberett]

Yes. <3

And, I don't know, that's one I'm working on. I don't know. Better to have it fail through my choice than through my abdication, I suppose; to try and yet to fail. (This is obviously being coloured significantly by attempting to overcome the whole Perfectonist Child thing.)

[emperor]

I keep coming back to the BCP phrase from Evensong "We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, And we have done those things which we ought not to have done, And there is no health in us", which is doing a similar sort of thing - the things we choose to do, and the things we choose not to do.

[kaberett]

yep.

[pipisafoat]

interest in learning of your continued learning on this subject

also connecting this to the previously discussed convents & related (i can't remember where that was discussed tbh, here or not) of routine and jobs and ritual as a way to lose (some of) the emotional labors of otherwise-life and find whatever it is you're looking for, and how it reduces your choices (do your chores or do not, follow the rituals or do not, eat what is provided or do not) but does not remove choice or make choice irrelevant; indeed I would go so far as to say it makes those choices more ... obvious? to the people making them, making the people more aware that choosing not to do is still choosing. and that choosing to work on whatever it is you're there to work on is still always a choice and not one so obvious to others as choosing not to do your assigned chores, so with the awareness of not-doing being a choice, it can instill both greater awareness in the arena of choice (of self and of others) and, through time spent in such an environment, greater motivation to actually and actively choose to do or not do things in a conscious manner upon return to otherwise-life, should the choice to return to otherwise-life be made.

Sometimes I think that if I had been raised with Traditions and Rituals I would have an easier time finding belonging and purpose (but mostly belonging, that hardest of concepts to locate for me), but I cannot place traditions and rituals onto myself because I balk at the restrictions? And I wonder, if I'd been raised in them, would I be the one to balk and leave regardless, or would I find my contentment more easily and question but remain? Things that cannot be answered but interest my thinking anyway.

[kaberett]

convents was here, on one of the emotional labour posts!

I left ritual and am coming back to it. I'll probably leave again. I suspect this one's a spiral for me.

(crashing out for nap but I see this and <3)

[davidgillon]

Oh. Interesting. Fascinating, even.

We say the words, but because we learn them by rote in early childhood, we so rarely think about them.

My slightly soured interpretation is that the words are designed to get us both coming and going, there's no way not to be guilty in this framework, which enhances our dependance on the Church as designated driver/responsible adult/moral authority.

Of course if you can separate the words from the baggage of Catholic guilt, and the Church's desire to control the laity, by controlling access to absolution, then there's the material to build an independent ethical core here. Which is probably why they catch us so young.

I'm so cynical about the motives of the Church nowadays (as distinct from the church), that I'm not sure I can contribute positively, but maybe religious texts are like quantum equations, and all interpretations are true.

[umadoshi]

I really appreciate these posts. ^_^

[403]

Thoughts are being too nebulous to translate into words, but I read this and I'm thinking about it.

[elialshadowpine]

*nodnodnod* I'm not Catholic, nor was I raised in the Church, but the thing about choice being sacred -- YES. YES YES YES. I actually have a bit of a story involving change and choice and religion and how it affected my life in so many ways, but it might be a bit long. I'll type it out if you're curious.