[brain prodding] recovery-shaped things

[kaberett]

it is okay to have feelings.
Feelings are the language of your body
the self that runs ahead of thought
like an eager dog
the reservoir of your vital rhythms
it is not that your body wants
to command you, control you, confuse you, overwhelm you, no-!
it just wants you to listen
because feelings are information
and your body, your most personal of assistants,
in its own awkwardly earnest way
really wants to make sure
you get all your messages.

-- from Sensuum, jjhunter

So I've talked a bit already about how I was constructing "recovery" as making trauma unhappen or erasing it. In the context of JJ's poem, something else has shaken loose: part of what I'm scared of, part of why I'm scared that the only way to "recover" is to unlearn warning signs, is that I'm very used to my brainbody giving me the something is wrong message by making me really screamingly crazy until I pay attention to the source of the problem. My body, my most personal of assistants, in its own awkwardly earnest way, just really wants to make sure that I get all my messages.

I assume it tries to leave me messages below the threshold of screamingly crazy, given how steadily it escalates once it's passed that threshold until I Fix The Thing. So I'm... going to need to learn what those look like, and I've got no idea where to start.

Comments

[jjhunter]

I remember what a revelation it was for me to realize that information being encoded by emotion didn't guarantee it was right, just important in some way (emotion-as-highlighting). This is very much the motor that moved me to 'Sensuum'; it feels like a very great gift to know something of that motion has moved you in turn.

<3, as always,
J.J.

p.s. perhaps it is worth checking your mental spam folder? *saw the pun possible, felt sacred call to facilitate*