Complicated feelings about health
Jul. 2nd, 2014 12:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberettThis morning, a letter to me from NHS Blood & Transplant showed up on the metaphorical doormat. "What," I thought, "are these people doing writing to me, they've banned me from donating bloo-- OH RIGHT I joined the organ donor register." And then I reflected, somewhat bitterly, that probably the only bit of me that's usable is my corneas: myopia and astigmatism and laziness aside, there's nothing wrong with my eyes. My heart's fine but my lungs aren't (asthma, pneumonia scarring, hayfever, a whole bunch of allergies), so given that hearts are done as heart-and-lungs I'd be astonished if that ever gets put to any use. And while my liver and kidneys are theoretically functional, it's also extremely likely that they've been - or will be - sufficiently fucked up by endometriosis that nobody'll want to go to the bother.
Also, got some brainwrong goin' on. Insomnia's pretty awful - I managed one sleep cycle last night before waking up and tossing & turning a bit, which I always feel worse about when I have bed-company, but eventually managed to get back to sleep. But it wasn't while I was in Portland. And I'm tolerably happy and really enjoying work and I am still absolutely stressed as fuck: incidence of intrusive thoughts is way up from baseline, jaw and shoulder muscles are a disaster, and I'm a twitchy mess. Dunno what to do about this. Reluctant to hit it with benzos but maybe I just should. Nothing obviously wrong; I mean, some financial stress (not helped by the DWP, who are currently being Charming In Particular, but equally! not anywhere near as bad as I expected it to be, it being rent day and my having cocked up last week! that is helpful) and residual workstress and a small interpersonal sad (but that one is, I think, genuinely small), so... who knows. Let's see if I sleep easier for having spammed you with yet more stuff though, wow, apologies all etc etc etc. (And then think seriously about how to be less stressed about work, sigh, but that's for the counselling session.)
Also, got some brainwrong goin' on. Insomnia's pretty awful - I managed one sleep cycle last night before waking up and tossing & turning a bit, which I always feel worse about when I have bed-company, but eventually managed to get back to sleep. But it wasn't while I was in Portland. And I'm tolerably happy and really enjoying work and I am still absolutely stressed as fuck: incidence of intrusive thoughts is way up from baseline, jaw and shoulder muscles are a disaster, and I'm a twitchy mess. Dunno what to do about this. Reluctant to hit it with benzos but maybe I just should. Nothing obviously wrong; I mean, some financial stress (not helped by the DWP, who are currently being Charming In Particular, but equally! not anywhere near as bad as I expected it to be, it being rent day and my having cocked up last week! that is helpful) and residual workstress and a small interpersonal sad (but that one is, I think, genuinely small), so... who knows. Let's see if I sleep easier for having spammed you with yet more stuff though, wow, apologies all etc etc etc. (And then think seriously about how to be less stressed about work, sigh, but that's for the counselling session.)
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Date: 2014-07-02 01:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-07-02 01:40 am (UTC)you are the sweetness
at the bottom of my day
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