I'm tired of being a fighter, a fake

I spent about an hour last night crying my eyes out, in desperation, and I'm still not sure of all the reasons, except that once again I am circling back around to trust, over and over and over again. Here's a thing, though: I find the Samaritans via e-mail rather less helpful than my lovely people in IRC.

Here's some of what set it off, tangentially, in all the ways that really fuck me up with Buffy as identity figure: she's a P!nk fan.

We are told, canonically, that she is a P!nk fan.

We are told this via her making a flippant remark about Get The Party Started.

Oh, Buffy. Oh, Buffy.

(And, of course, trust? That is some of why the second half of Buffy s7, which I marathoned last night, hit me so hard.)