Teaching me
Oct. 21st, 2013 10:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberett(I'm doing a lot of thinking about teaching at the moment for obvious reasons, but I'm also intending to put together an e-mail for a friend explaining my Issues around being taught, particularly being taught technical or mathematical topics. So: let's type it into the DW entry box, because that's familiar and reassuring and if this is a thing that still sometimes trips me up I suspect a few of you would like to know you're not alone, too.)
In summary: fairly standard gifted-perfectionist-child narrative with a side order of a bit of abuse. Useful background reading: Tech confidence/tech competence.
I've got a lot of self-worth tied up in having other people perceive me as competent, and in actually being competent. I'm very, very scared of being perceived as incompetent, for reasons various; and I usually feel as though I am wasting people's time and money, especially if they are teaching me technical things. I can very clearly trace a lot of these issues back to when I was about 6, and I can point at lots of occasions on which they got reinforced, and while I'm willing to talk about them if the information would be useful (or even just of interest) I don't particularly want to go into them right here, right now.
[Aside, because in trying to work out how to words this post I have just worked something out and I am shaking and slightly nauseous with the realisation: the reason I prefer to skim over my feelings in counselling, to talk about the surface and do the emotional processing elsewhere, is that I'm scared that if I am obviously emotional, obviously unsure, obviously vulnerable, then I will be deemed incompetent, told I am incompetent, and have my choices taken away from me. Fuck.]
-- the anxiety about being competent is usually a massive hindrance in gaining confidence for me. One way or another I can be really quite spiky about being taught, however much I like my teacher and however much I want to learn about the topic in hand. In particular, I'm likely to need a lot of reassurance, especially that it's okay to ask clarifying questions or to not get something immediately, but these days where I'm being taught in an informal setting I'm likely to be able to ask for that explicitly.
The completely obvious thing I find really upsetting is being told that I am slow or otherwise "incompetent" (per above).
A slightly-less-obvious thing that is pretty much guaranteed to set me off is the assertion that something is "easy", "trivial" or "simple" (especially if I'm struggling with it!). Describing something as "elegant" or "nicely put together" is fine, though, even if I can't yet see how it works.
I am also 100% okay with people being excited about the thing they're teaching me. Frequent check-ins to make sure I'm following are good; explicit questions about my level of understanding are good; I tend to want to know why things are the way they are, and for jargon/specialist language/abbreviations/etc I will need to know the etymology in order to usefully assimilate them. I'm likely to wave my hands in the air as of building an invisible model (though actual diagrams aren't always helpful). I sometimes find it easier to assimilate writing than spoken word, and will probably need to do things in small chunks to prevent getting overwhelmed (because in any setting where I am learning technical things, a large amount of brainpower goes into not having a meltdown).
It is fairly likely that I will at some point end up saying - possibly interrupting you to do so - "no, I'm sorry, I've stopped following, I need to take a break now." That's information overload rather than tripping anxiety circuits, but it's really helpful to know that that is explicitly okay.
If I do get overwhelmed, I'll probably start signalling it physically before I become aware of it (shoulders tensing, clenched hands and jaw, possibly slightly elevated breathing rate, speech becomming tersed and clipped, possibly rocking; and one of my anxiety tells is that I start to rub the base of my throat). As and when I do notice, I'm likely to be quite abrupt about needing to stop right now: I'm sorry, I know this is unbalancing, especially when one is feeling excited and enthusiastic about something.
If I do an overwhelm, I will almost certainly need reassuring that that's okay and you don't think less of me for it (and yes, explicit and basic is good, and those exact words are good - I don't particularly need it dressing up). Offering me a hug and a drink (and possibly prompting me to search out some blood sugar) - or any subset of those that is feasible - is very welcome. (Obviously if you will think less of me if I get overwhelmed then it might not be sensible to have the kind of interactions where you're positioned as a teacher. ;) )
So. I think that is most of me-as-student. Questions welcome.
In summary: fairly standard gifted-perfectionist-child narrative with a side order of a bit of abuse. Useful background reading: Tech confidence/tech competence.
I've got a lot of self-worth tied up in having other people perceive me as competent, and in actually being competent. I'm very, very scared of being perceived as incompetent, for reasons various; and I usually feel as though I am wasting people's time and money, especially if they are teaching me technical things. I can very clearly trace a lot of these issues back to when I was about 6, and I can point at lots of occasions on which they got reinforced, and while I'm willing to talk about them if the information would be useful (or even just of interest) I don't particularly want to go into them right here, right now.
[Aside, because in trying to work out how to words this post I have just worked something out and I am shaking and slightly nauseous with the realisation: the reason I prefer to skim over my feelings in counselling, to talk about the surface and do the emotional processing elsewhere, is that I'm scared that if I am obviously emotional, obviously unsure, obviously vulnerable, then I will be deemed incompetent, told I am incompetent, and have my choices taken away from me. Fuck.]
-- the anxiety about being competent is usually a massive hindrance in gaining confidence for me. One way or another I can be really quite spiky about being taught, however much I like my teacher and however much I want to learn about the topic in hand. In particular, I'm likely to need a lot of reassurance, especially that it's okay to ask clarifying questions or to not get something immediately, but these days where I'm being taught in an informal setting I'm likely to be able to ask for that explicitly.
The completely obvious thing I find really upsetting is being told that I am slow or otherwise "incompetent" (per above).
A slightly-less-obvious thing that is pretty much guaranteed to set me off is the assertion that something is "easy", "trivial" or "simple" (especially if I'm struggling with it!). Describing something as "elegant" or "nicely put together" is fine, though, even if I can't yet see how it works.
I am also 100% okay with people being excited about the thing they're teaching me. Frequent check-ins to make sure I'm following are good; explicit questions about my level of understanding are good; I tend to want to know why things are the way they are, and for jargon/specialist language/abbreviations/etc I will need to know the etymology in order to usefully assimilate them. I'm likely to wave my hands in the air as of building an invisible model (though actual diagrams aren't always helpful). I sometimes find it easier to assimilate writing than spoken word, and will probably need to do things in small chunks to prevent getting overwhelmed (because in any setting where I am learning technical things, a large amount of brainpower goes into not having a meltdown).
It is fairly likely that I will at some point end up saying - possibly interrupting you to do so - "no, I'm sorry, I've stopped following, I need to take a break now." That's information overload rather than tripping anxiety circuits, but it's really helpful to know that that is explicitly okay.
If I do get overwhelmed, I'll probably start signalling it physically before I become aware of it (shoulders tensing, clenched hands and jaw, possibly slightly elevated breathing rate, speech becomming tersed and clipped, possibly rocking; and one of my anxiety tells is that I start to rub the base of my throat). As and when I do notice, I'm likely to be quite abrupt about needing to stop right now: I'm sorry, I know this is unbalancing, especially when one is feeling excited and enthusiastic about something.
If I do an overwhelm, I will almost certainly need reassuring that that's okay and you don't think less of me for it (and yes, explicit and basic is good, and those exact words are good - I don't particularly need it dressing up). Offering me a hug and a drink (and possibly prompting me to search out some blood sugar) - or any subset of those that is feasible - is very welcome. (Obviously if you will think less of me if I get overwhelmed then it might not be sensible to have the kind of interactions where you're positioned as a teacher. ;) )
So. I think that is most of me-as-student. Questions welcome.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 11:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 11:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 12:19 pm (UTC)To your aside: might it be constructive to report this observation counsellors, especially in intake sessions? Eg, "if you want me to talk about emotions you will need to provide explicit reassurance that it is safe to do so"?
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 12:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 02:11 pm (UTC)(It continues to trip me up in my professional work, unfortunately -- sometimes I will literally go, "Yes, that makes sense," when someone I'm interviewing checks in on whether I understand how their pump mechanism works or why a certain surveying technique is better, on the assumption that I can go back and listen to the recording and try to piece it together that way. Of course, part of that is being better at processing in writing and part is not wanting to take too much of their time.)
Thank you for typing into your DW box!
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 11:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 02:38 pm (UTC)(...I really appreciate this post. It...is something that I find rather familiar.)
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 11:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 03:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 05:10 pm (UTC)Do you find that later, when you're going through the same idea, your hands make the same motions to help you remember? As if it's an actual sign language, even if a rudimentary one, that only you are fluent in?
Or maybe it's just me.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 11:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 06:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 11:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 09:14 pm (UTC)This makes a lot of sense to us, especially the overwhelming despite to appear competent to everyone. It makes making even small mistakes a source of large anxieties.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 11:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 01:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-23 09:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-23 04:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-21 11:22 pm (UTC)yes yes this. all of higher level maths and organic chem, and hell, learning to use a microscope at this job (6 years ago). i might've ended up bawling in the toilets because i couldn't focus the stupid thing.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 11:18 am (UTC)I have... often ended up bawling in the toilets over not having got an explanation first time and it is SHIT.
(Also organic chem is actually a dark art, and I say this as someone who has the magic of ~getting it~, so... yeah. ♥)
(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 12:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 12:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-10-22 01:13 pm (UTC)Yay. It is my dear hope that in general people who interact with the Dreamwidth project come out in a better place in their lives.