in which this fic continues relevant to the current focus in my counselling sessions

[kaberett]

Seeds, by sahiya and lightgetsin:

I tried to learn not to show anything. I tried to lock myself up very tight all the time, so he couldn't use my emotions against me. I never quite succeeded, and for a while it made me so angry with myself, that I couldn't just turn off the need to have someone near me. I wanted someone to hold me at night, and I didn't want that person to be him, but he was all I had and I just couldn't... stop it.

And now I'm glad I couldn't turn it off, because I think it would have been very hard to turn it back on. And I think... I think that you can't live your life afraid of feeling too much.

And this is the theme, over and over: how to build yourself - painstakingly, day by day, cemented with fear and grief - and to be stronger, more whole, instead of drowning - or losing yourself, I am not sure which is worse - in the version of you other people have built for themselves.

Comments

[kaberett]

Though there is the hilarity that I am currently very much in beta-brain, and as such I keep itching to tweak things and point out typos...

[jelazakazone]

Drowning in the version of you other people have built for themselves -- losing yourself -- I'm not sure there is a substantive difference. Having been there, fighting the hard climb out of that abyss. It's bad, to lose oneself. I had to stake my claim one tiny bit at a time. Still working on it. Have been for the past four years. Every day.