Things I've learned from counselling #7

[kaberett]

How to grieve.

(In a break from the usual, this post is brought to you by the counselling session I've just got home from - rather than one that happened months ago, and has had time to settle.)

There is this thing I do.

Something bad happens, and I make jokes about it.

After a while, that stops working, and I find that what I actually am is angry. Really, really angry.

... and some time after that, I am overcome by floods of tears, and it is around then that I realise what's really been going on.

And after that? After that comes compassion and acceptance.

But it turns out I'm still scared of being visibly upset - scared of what will happen if I say "This is hurting, and I am scared and vulnerable, and will someone please help me?" Hence the laughter and anger at the pain clinic; hence the laughter and anger at Simon Baron-Cohen. Hence being so, so upset by my baby brother and his current life circumstances: I look at him, the world having suddenly settled onto his shoulders with a thump, and I think about how fast he's having to do a lot of really painful growing up -- and I think about how fast I had to do a lot of really painful growing up, and I want to tell him all the things me-at-18 would have loved to hear, and all the things I think me-at-18 would have benefitted from knowing, and I want to protect himme from the things I had to deal with.

And so instead I asked my mum to tell him that I was incredibly proud of him, and that I wanted to give him a hug.

And now it's time to give me a hug. Because, yes, actually - contrary to what I was saying in comments about it "not being that big a deal"; about how it wasn't any worse than I expected -- no, actually, it hurts.

It hurts to have people tell me that my life and my achievements and my value to others are "nothing". It hurts to be told that the tool which enables me to leave the house, to visit gardens and museums, to enjoy life - is evidence that I'm not trying hard enough; is a problem that needs solving at all costs. It hurts.

It's okay for it to hurt. I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to feel attacked and undermined and discredited, and as though my competence has been brought into question.

And perhaps most importantly? I don't have to legitimise them - to myself, at least - by fighting them.

This process normally takes me months; managing it within 24 hours (at least of the most proximate event) is... progress. Good. Well done, me: have some chocolate and a warm drink. Because, do you know what, sometimes things are tough, and those make the world a better place.

Comments

[kaberett]

Obviously not everyone grieves like I do, but this seems to be fairly standard practice for me, whether in relation to a death or in relation to expectations/health. (If a death, insert "Being Practical and Doing All The Things and Taking Care Of People" before the "actually getting really upset about everything"...)

[alexseanchai]

*offers hugs*

[kaberett]

Thank you; they are, after all, very welcome. ♥

(... I really love my counsellor a lot.)

[littlebutfierce]

You are definitely allowed to be upset -- that stuff does hurt. Hugs & hearts for you.

[kaberett]

I seem to be spending the evening crying, on and off, and getting A Lot Of Tidying Done, and... it feels really good. Really, really good.

Can't make it to the cremation 'til 3: can you put her on a low gas?

[hairyears]

Wot she sed.

Also: you may have noticed that I have a very dark and bitter sense of humour when it comes to misfortune and disease. Its a fairly effective coping mechanism, but I'm careful about who hears it.

[glass_icarus]

♥ ♥ ♥

[kaberett]

<4

[ghoti]

You're pretty awesome. ♥

[kaberett]

kelp <3

[gwyddno.livejournal.com]

*also offers hugs*

[kaberett]

Thank you. :-)

[cereta]

{{hugs}}

[kaberett]

Thank you. {hugs back}

[untonuggan]

<3 <3 <3

Sometimes it helps to just cry.

Your therapist sounds awesome.

You are kick-ass as well. +1

[kaberett]

Yes. Yes it does. I've been crying a lot, and very easily, over the past few weeks, especially over the Indigo Girls songs I quoted a bunch of - and it was only in counselling this afternoon that I managed to join all the dots: of projecting myself onto my brother; of feeling I need "sanctioned" and "safe" ways to express upset; of unpicking my grief reaction; of working through why I was so angry about the various doctors etc to being upset; and so on and so forth. And I have spent a lot of this evening crying really healthily, which is amazing.

And Jane, bless her, sat there and raised her eyebrows and said "mmhmm" and only grinned slightly indulgently at me when I managed to organise what was going on. And she's said that I must come and see her again before I leave uni (she's with the university counselling service here) - and, oh, but I'm going to miss her, and she is so good for me. I am thinking of asking her if she'd like to attend my graduation (we get three tickets, my mum definitely wants one, my dad will sulk if I don't offer him the second), because she's had so much to do with me getting here, and so much to do with the non-degree things I've learned during my time at this university.

And. Yes. She's amazing. And she's done a fantastic job of helping me think that I am, too. ♥

[lilysea]

One of my favourite calming manatees is this one:

"Please don't feel silly because you are hurting. It hurts because it was important. It hurts because it mattered."

http://calmingmanatee.tumblr.com/post/33550712476/image-description-a-photograph-of-a-manatee

[kaberett]

yes ;_; <3

[lilysea]

Like you, I've had the following reactions to traumatic Dr appointments

1) Eh, I've had worse

followed by

2) Dark, wry, snarky jokes, laughter
that disturbs my boyfriend ("That's not funny, that's horrific")

followed by

3) [several hours later, or the next day] significant upset and tears.

I think it's partly a way to get myself home in one piece, rather than melting down in the waiting room or the street or public transport,

and partly it is scary for me to admit to other people how much something hurt me or upset me. I've had a lot of people in my life minimise or dismiss my emotions.

[kaberett]

Yes, exactly. When I was a Small, it was quite literally not safe for me to be obviously (and especially not noisily) upset. And, yes, the history of doctors and family and friends telling me that ~everyone gets period pain~ and there wasn't actually anything wrong, and and and.

& also yes, to getting home in one piece.

[worlds_of_smoke]

-hugs- I'm glad you're able to get release for your feelings in a healthy manner. ♥