kaberett: Yellow gingko leaf against teal background (gingko)
First and always: Cambridge. Cambridge, which I've seen through enough different eyes -- town and gown, resident and caretaker, political and utterly independent of any given inhabitants -- Cambridge, which had me for two decades and change, and has me still. My parental home is a 1960s newbuild semi in Arbury; my college contains an archway that predates its foundation in 1350, that's had chunks carved out of the limestone by bicycle pedals over the last hundred-odd years. I've laughed, fondly and otherwise, at the new undergraduates with their shiny new college scarves and no idea how to cycle; I've dodged punt touts and helped my baby brother pass his hiring test to be a punt chauffeur; I've rummaged through the stacks in the University Library and put up and repainted street-signs. I know where the permanent graffiti is and I remember some that's been and gone; I've delivered leaflets at 6am on election morning and I've observed the counting of votes and I've walked across town at four in the morning from the Guildhall (where the outcome was known) to a common room (where people were glued to the news); I've walked across town at two in the morning (Homerton to Trinity Hall) very solemn and slightly wobbly with a viola; I've leaned my forehead against stone and felt where it's come from and been reassured by its solid indifferent presence; I've punted to Grantchester and back and eaten strawberries in the meadows in the sunshine. I've lost and found and found and lost religion and confidence and friends and trust and love. Cambridge is mine, or I am Cambridge's, and so it shall be forever, amen.

Zürich was next. I spent a summer soaking up sunshine, glancing up from my commuter paper to see the Alps crowned with glaciers as we crossed the river, looking out the window on my way to tearing down the stairs from the eighth floor to see the turtles and the fish in the pond way below. There are fields opposite the Spital Limattal -- apple orchards up the hill, but immediately opposite - by the bus stop - pick-your-own flowers and an honesty box. I found cafes and restaurants and friends and I learned a whole new language and I lived by myself absent a support network for the first time, and I explored and I fell in love with museums and was baffled by art and I swam in the lake and learned to like blue cheese on a Roman customs point in the rain overlooking a river with P. I miss pear bread most of all.

I didn't learn how to love LA. Mostly I got as far as baffled affection: for the sky that only ever got as dark as a glowing orange-purple, that turned opaque blanket of smog when you drove high enough into the mountains to see the stars, that left my lungs a wreck for six months; the fantastic street art and terrible public transport; the storm drains and dry river; the jacarandas and the humming birds. My experience of LA is less that, more a haze of heat & food & Caltech campus, with a dream-sequence weekend-long road trip up to the Bay Area somewhere in the middle.

And, of course, London. London, and its river-that-is-a-dragon. I would (as I thought) have hated moving here when I was 18; now I find myself delighting in how joyfully small it makes me, in exactly the same way I am small when I look at the stars or (closer to home) the Moon. I don't belong here but the river-dragon will let me stay a while, and so for now I will fling myself into proms and parks and concerts and gigs and museums and the poetry library; I will stand breathless with delight on the bridge at Embankment or at St Paul's; I will be a mirror for this city and the city shall be a mirror for me, and I will learn more about how people work and more about how I work and I will adore its trees and mysterious statuary and, most of all, I will learn.

(Honourable mentions go to Oxford and to Edinburgh, neither of which I understand, in part because of how intensely my experiences of them are bound up with how I relate to the people I love who relate to these cities; to my patchwork understanding of Heidelberg, all castle and computational linguistics and music and cheap beer by the river; to Rome; and to Paris, and in particular the sunrise walk between Gare de l'Est and Gare du Nord, and a toast to fifth-floor balconies and wine, and croissants by the Seine at dawn.)
kaberett: photograph of the Moon taken from the northern hemisphere by GH Revera (moon)
I really want to go and see Die Zauberfloete (The Magic Flute) at the RCM, in German with English subtitles, at the end of November. Who wants to come with?

I am also quite keen to make it to Silent Partners at the Fitz in Cambridge, which closes end of January. Takers?
kaberett: Trans symbol with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
I will be IN YOU on Sunday May 18th. (Also May 17th, but not until evening and then I'm going to be at a concert, but if you want to listen to Prokofiev and Dvorak with me...)

I intend to spend Sunday early afternoonish at An Pub. I hear good things about The Haymakers since I left, and it's relatively convenient for my end of town. I know it'll be busy as anything esp. if the weather continues pleasant, but I intend to get there around 1pm and it would be lovely to see lots of you. <3

(I increment on the 16th, you see, and I haven't seen you all in far too long.)
kaberett: Trans symbol with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
We have a bay tree. It is well-established and therefore romps. We are currently drowning in bay clippings. If you would like slightly sun-dried ~organic~ bay leaves, please please PLEASE let me know and we can sort something out!

(We are in this household collectively reluctant to just compost them, because (a) food waste and (b) they are ludicrously expensive in shops, like at least some places charge more by weight for them than they do for vanilla.)

-

Apr. 18th, 2013 07:25 pm
kaberett: Toph making a rock angel (toph-rockangel)
the world looks bruised - between the light and the clouds and the honeyed bricks and slate along this street, and the still-bare branches - and it is ever so slightly menacing, and utterly delicious.
kaberett: Trans symbol with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
I've spent the past few weeks drifting further and further into the fogbank that is depression, and this isn't, on the whole, a great surprise.

But: today, oh, today. It has been one of those days, I suppose, that has a lot to do with my funny sense of timescales: instead of experiencing distance from others as loneliness, as isolation, I have been feeling it as a comfort and a joy: to wheel through the streets of my city and to feel it settle around me; to press my hands and my face against the limestone and to know whence it came; to stare at the river and the sky and the spires.

I went to counselling, yesterday, and it was more reflective than conclusive: I talked about loss, and about abandonment, and about the emptiness that depression feels, and (obliquely, circumspectly) about being an outsider: about being queer and passing for straight; about being trans* and passing for female; about my very simple relationship with my body and other people's very complicated understandings of it; about appearing to be all that is wrong with the English Establishment as a consciously-learned act; about the people and the ceremonies who have been my mooring points and the ways I no longer fit them - and I left feeling grounded. Grounded and whole again, like the mountains make me feel whole, like music makes me feel whole.

And on my way home I stopped above Hobson's Conduit and I watched the leaves blown along the water, and Cambridge settled back onto my shoulders and - it is a gift and a homecoming.

Today I read Null & Void, and that was a homecoming of another kind.

And today I did errands and I moved myself through the crisp autumn air and the crisp autumn sunshine - it is not even that not yesterday I learned to know/the love of bare November days - but that, today, gloriously today, I feel alive and wholly here, and that is so rare and so beautiful.

There was a seminar, also, on tectonics and mantle dynamics and climate change and poetry - and that was a homecoming; there was visiting a friend, and that, too; there was stopping in a shopping centre and listening (for a time I did not measure) to someone playing a street piano, and it was beautiful.

I am in love.

Mass

Oct. 31st, 2012 12:05 am
kaberett: Photo of a pile of old leather-bound books. (books)
I'll be going to Mass at OLEM on Friday at 12.15p.m., and possibly also on Thursday, again at 12.15p.m. I expect to be extremely weepy in both, but company is welcome.

(This is... approximately secular observation of the relevant Holy Days, for Reasons, on which more a little later, perhaps.)
kaberett: Trans symbol with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Sometimes, when you are bimbling around Cambridge at night, you overhear conversational snippets to the tune of "Yes, but you see, the problem is, there aren't enough unicorns left in the world."

...

On the other hand, sometimes you get "No, I genuinely do admire Rupert Murdoch."

...

In unrelated phrases I have uttered this evening: O WELL I GUESS I'M DRINKING RACISM TEA THEN :D

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kaberett: Trans symbol with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
kaberett

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