Today has been pretty awful, actually

[kaberett]

(details on fb, possibly to be copied here if y'all are interested, in tl;dr trigger warnings suicide, domestic violence, abuse, coercion, enabling of all of the above, plus bonus sexual harrassment.)

-- but I am on a BUS to OXFORD where I will be fed and looked after, and there are half-hourly buses from London to Oxford at this time of night so it's easy to decide I'm showing up very early in the morning as opposed to reasonably early in the morning, and I've got a pair of seats to myself, and I'm making progress on the introductions meme--

-- and what I'm actually pondering, again, is how astonished I am by the concept of intensity, by myself as intense. I've spent so much time depressed, so much time with anhedonia, with everything muted and grey (i am out here studying stones/trying to learn to be less alive/using all of my will/to hold very still/still even on the inside) that I'm startled every time I realise that pretty much every single person who has met me since I started anti-depressants does think of me that way, saturated colours and vibrancy and fierceness without viciousness, or at least without viciousness as a necessary component. Seeing myself through your eyes is a gift; on nights like this knowing that it is a truth of my existence helps me settle, reminds me what I want to be and that I can do it, reminds me that I am capable. Thank you.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Jewel tones. *nods*

[kaberett]

Part of the reason it's such a big deal to me is of course that permitting myself intensity is permitting myself to take up space, to be enthusiastic - which in my case means loud, and frequently means taking up physical space via stimming - and to look after myself, & to believe deeply & to love deeply & to have all that be something I admit to intsead of hiding, as much as possible, and that's why it feels like a blessing and a grace, all unlooked for, because to expect it would be to imply that I deserve it and I'm not sure I do, at all, but here I am and it is like the moment after rain when the sky is still bruised and everything is soft and wet and breathing.

[alexseanchai]

Well, I think you deserve to take up space etc.

[davidgillon]

Indeed. The whole point of friends is they are people who give us the space to be ourselves.

[thefairymelusine]

Hope you are alright/are more alright soon. Also, seconding the appreciation of the Oxford Tube (I'm not using it that much as it's the hols, but it is much appreciated during term time)

[redbird]

First, I am glad you are on a bus to some of the right people.

Second, while we've never met in the flesh, I like your intensity.

Also, I would be interested in the details you alluded to.

(An intense userpic, instead of the cup of tea one I reached for first.)

[davidgillon]

Ick on awful day, but glad you're on the way to somewhere you have the space to be safe and to be yourself - I was actually going to write 'safe and space to be yourself', but realised that one implies t'other, and you can't be safe without space to be yourself, or be yourself without being safe - which brings us back to 'who only by moving can balance, only by balancing move' (and have I been missing a stimming reference in that?).

If I had to define you in a word, then intense would be a damned good choice, but intense in the most positive of forms: vibrancy and fierceness - the fierceness, sans viciousness, shines through in your advocacy and passion, the vibrancy in everything. Remember, anything you think we give you, we think we gain as much and more through knowing you (and occasionally from having you in our corner when needed!)

[el_staplador]

I was going to say pretty much this!

[sfred]

Argh. Well done for getting yourself to a safe place, and I hope you got sleep.

Just in case - we often have a bedroom spare in E London and it's always OK for you to ask at short notice to borrow it. (It will not always be available but it's always OK to ask.)

[davidgillon]

Ditto on the spare bedroom at need (and it's very rare for it to be unavailable), though Chatham probably isn't quite as convenient as London or Oxford, it's still doable from your place in a couple of hours.

[azurelunatic]

Details? I think I'm not on your section of fb.

[shanaqui]

Ditto.

[kaberett]

Posted today under lock :-)

[shanaqui]

Huh. Does not show on my reading page. Okay, thanks.

[kaberett]

*headtilt* confirm you can see it tho? Not sure why it's not showing up, evidently other people got it. *chinhands* dw y u do this

[shanaqui]

I can! I may have missed it on my reading page, as I have the stunning ability to look past the same thing a dozen times without ever realising I'm not looking at it properly...

[kaberett]

*g* I do know that one.

[kaberett]

Can be if you like...

[azurelunatic]

fb is twitchymaking for me, but contains Much Social Network. Undecided.

[kaberett]

I generally crosspost anything I actually care about here; the reason I didn't automatically with this one is 1. it walletnames people and 2. the people I know who are likely to know the individual in question pretty much all use FB not DW. You will not exactly miss much.

shapes

[xmc]

When I met you for the first time some few weeks ago, you seemed like a person who takes up a respectable amount of space, and fills it with bright shapes. Some of the shapes fit the people around you, but most of them are yours. It's a good thing :)

[i only interacted with you for a few hours, so i might be completely off especially given that i don't trust my opinions of people to be correct the first few times around, but!]

Re: shapes

[kaberett]

<3! :-)

[littlebutfierce]

Eeeek, that indeed sounds like a terrible day. <3333 I am glad you are now w/people who can take care of you.

[ghoti]

♥