[counselling log] Bits & pieces

[kaberett]

• At least some of my being terrified of writing for people other than myself (so - blog posts, technical writing, etc) is related to my dad's terrible thing of going "too slow!" at us whenever he asked us a question over dinner. Ergo I baulk and dig in my heels and refuse to write anything until the deadline's gone wooshing past because I'm too scared, and at least when it has gone wooshing past I am safe in the knowledge that I have disappointed people and can therefore can just get on with things (to some extent with a cocktail of sleep deprivation and adrenaline driving me forward). (Don't hesitate/it'll never push you forward/don't waste the time you've been given...) (There is a poem trying to happen about how I am living on time borrowed from my other selves.)
  
• I look despairing when talking about TOG, and open and happy and secure when talking about P-the-no-longer-unethical or Awesome Ex-Housemate C. (And realised myself, somewhat wryly, that towards the end of our relationship I felt that I was without hope on the topic of Us; out the other side of that I find that I am not, in fact, as hopeless as might be good for me.)
  
• Joking and current music fields aside, I'm pretty confident that I do love TOG in the knowledge of who and what he is, as opposed to an image of him disconnected from reality. I was very clear that I didn't expect that he would quit and that I loved him in that knowledge and belief; unfortunately nothing much has changed there except for developing a hard limit. Which makes not worrying about him difficult, alas, and means I have all these feelings that I need to work out what to do with.
  
• I am all tangled up and sad & trying to carry other people's burdens all unasked at the moment; it's not good for me and I need to work out how to set them aside. Homework for the week was lots of breathing exercises (we know they work for me) and some focussing on the serenity prayer (at my own wry suggestion; counsellor said "Will that help?" and I replied "Well, it'll make me grin wryly, so yes, in a sense....").

Next session late Friday afternoon next week. Counsellor is once again attempting to charge me less money...

Comments

[highlyeccentric]

I just want you to live up to the image of you I created

is that a song? I think I need to hire a band of minstrels to follow a certain person around singing that in three part harmony.

[kaberett]

Ani DiFranco! Who is terrible for all sorts of reasons, but--

I just want you to live up to
the image of you I created
I see you and I'm so unsatisfied
I see you and I die a little

[highlyeccentric]

Ahah one of my college buddies in undergrad held the believe that Ani Di Franco was the best break-up music.

[davidgillon]

when it has gone wooshing past I am safe in the knowledge that I have disappointed people and can therefore can just get on with things

I'm going to have to think about that as potentially shining a light on some of my own avoidance behaviours.

[sidheag]

Sorry you're having a hard time. That's very inadequate, I know.

Admin: in clicking back because I didn't understand the reference to TOG in this post, I realised that the sets of posts I can see on LJ and on DW are very different, whereas I'd been assuming it would work to read on LJ and only click over here to comment. Two, no three, explanations come to mind:

- you have a protocol about what gets mirrored to LJ which I haven't understood, and if I want to read all I can I should read both places;

- you intend everything to be mirrored to LJ but for some reason it's not working;

- your access lists are out of sync, so that I'm seeing things you don't want me to see, or not seeing things you do want me to see, because of the two-journals situation.

If it's the first I'd be glad to know it; if it's one of the other two I expect you'd like to know it; maybe there's a fourth explanation that hasn't occurred to me!

(If it's that I can see things I shouldn't, don't feel awkward about correcting it, please. I sometimes filter silently myself.)

[kaberett]

I have a discussing-relationships-filter on DW that I haven't got my act together to propagate to LJ, *but* it is accurate on the DW side (i.e. I am completely cool with you being able to read everything you have access to).

I keep meaning to sort that out LJ-wise and then not quite having the energy...

[sidheag]

Then I'll just say sorry for not having noticed the relationship stuff before now!

[milkymoon]

... I can empathise with the difficulty in writing for others, though my issues about it are different to yours.

And... I think realising that you love TOG for who he is, rather than what you'd wanted to mould him into, is a good thing? Though I know it's going to be difficult, as that entire mess has been massively difficult, to put it mildly.

[quartzpebble]

Ohhh disappointing people. I am pretty sure I have some related brainweasels along those lines.

It sounds like you are coping about as well as can be expected, and better than many might, around stuff with TOG. <3