[accidental poem] a feeling (well past bedtime)

[kaberett]

this is my job: to say "I don't know; let's find out"
to delight in the possibilities of ignorance
to own my whole self, my joyful unknowing
to tease out the best questions I can ask
(fingers gentle through hair or soil or water)
and trusting follow where they lead,
because nothing is ever truly wasted
(or everything is -- in the end, it's all perspective).

but first-- o, first: I had to achingly unlearn
the fear & doubt I'd been so patient taught
as though their absence could erase the thoughts
that penetrate & permeate my mind.

pray do not tell our children: be afraid.
pray do not teach them shame. instead
let them rejoice, for "I don't know"
is not an end: it's a beginning,
the first step down the branching paths
that lead inexorably home.

Comments

[jjhunter]

yes

oh, my eyes give water and salt for this

[kaberett]

♥

[jelazakazone]

This is just lovely. The thing I got thinking about, was wondering if who you were/how you were, was what lead you on this journey of finding out. Do you think if you'd fit in, if things had been easy for you, you would have become who are? I mean, clearly you wouldn't be who you are now without those experiences, but I'm wondering if the scientific aspect of your personality would be there? I'm asking a bunch of rhetorical and/or unanswerable questions. Nevermind me blabbing away.

[kaberett]

Hmm. This all gets very hard to unpick (and thank you for asking!) - not least because I haven't ever "fit in", I was an odd and solitary child even in reception (i.e. age 4). In secondary school I was sadly convinced that science was more fun but I was better at humanities (and this was at least in part "because I'm a girl", which is a very broken idea I'm very angry about on a very great many levels). Knowing I was queer happened in between those - when I was about 13 - as did the first unambiguous symptoms of depression/trauma I can point at and go "those. them. that was a thing." On the other hand, I know the trauma started earlier (and I have not-knowing-how-to-socialise memories stemming directly from it that begin at a much younger age); on the other hand, my father (mathematician, software engineer) was truly dreadful about encouraging and supporting me (whereas one of the *other* sets of memories I have even from very young is delighting in language with my mum).

So -- yes. I'm not sure it's possible to unpick at all.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

Lovely. <3

[kaberett]

Thank you <3

[calissa]

This made my breath catch. From time to time I still struggle with shame that's connected to not knowing, but I am so much better with it these days.

It is hard to pick a favourite part of this poem--I like it all so much!

[kaberett]

Yeah, it's very much something I'm still working on. As I said to Julia lower down, I just... had this sudden moment of "shit, the job I am doing coexists with the bit where we tell people that Not Knowing Is Bad, fuck", and then I tried to write a post about it and it turned into a poem...

[firecat]

Yes.

[kaberett]

Thank you. <3

[jedusaur]

...ouch. Yeah, I don't usually get poetry (not just yours, all poetry) but this one speaks to me. Or rather for me.

[kaberett]

This is one where I realised the thing - that to some extent, it's the very same people who make a living out of curiousity and not-knowing who enforce the idea that if you don't know something you are bad and should feel bad - and then I tried to write a post about it and it turned into a poem.

I am really glad it works for you. <3

[(Anonymous)]

Here via jedusaur's recommendation - I really love this poem. So much so that I wrote it down in my Moleskine to reread as encouragement on the go, because "I don't know" is a critical offense in my line of work. Coming from a research background, it's hard to stay enthusiastic when you're only meant to answer questions instead of asking them.

Thank you for sharing it publicly,
verbyna/Lee

[kaberett]

... wow, I am genuinely honoured that you are finding this much use in it <3 I'm just starting out in research - I'm in my first year of my (UK-style) PhD - and one of the things I am finding so liberating about my group is that it is okay to say "I don't know". So... yeah. Yeah. You are very very welcome, and thanks so much for saying.

[alee_grrl]

<3

This is perfect.