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Feb. 19th, 2014
Doing better vs getting better
Feb. 19th, 2014 03:14 pmI have a bunch of varying and incurable conditions. They are variably well-medicated; at any point any of the drugs that are working for me might well Just Stop without rhyme or reason.
I've just realised that I don't get on terribly well with the idea of "getting better", not even with respect to my depression. I think this is because the idea positions "well" as some ultimate (fixed) goal, some thing I should be aiming for, but fundamentally for me that... simply isn't true (a notable exception may be made for the common cold); and if I view "getting better" as "making progress toward 'well'", then at points when I'm getting worse that feels more like it's my responsibility, my fault.
Whereas "doing better" feels, to me, much more neutral - much more as though it acknowledges that my baseline is variable and unpredictable and it is not my fault at points when it's worse. And on top of that, it is active - it's not chasing after something-distant, it's - here, these things I am doing, they are evidence that I am more okay; they are reinforcing that I am more okay. (This doesn't bother me in the same way that "getting better" does in terms of feeling responsibility for my illnesses; I'm not sure that that's internally consistent, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment, so I'm recording it).
The idea that it isn't a moral failing to be ill is one that matters a very great deal to me.
I've just realised that I don't get on terribly well with the idea of "getting better", not even with respect to my depression. I think this is because the idea positions "well" as some ultimate (fixed) goal, some thing I should be aiming for, but fundamentally for me that... simply isn't true (a notable exception may be made for the common cold); and if I view "getting better" as "making progress toward 'well'", then at points when I'm getting worse that feels more like it's my responsibility, my fault.
Whereas "doing better" feels, to me, much more neutral - much more as though it acknowledges that my baseline is variable and unpredictable and it is not my fault at points when it's worse. And on top of that, it is active - it's not chasing after something-distant, it's - here, these things I am doing, they are evidence that I am more okay; they are reinforcing that I am more okay. (This doesn't bother me in the same way that "getting better" does in terms of feeling responsibility for my illnesses; I'm not sure that that's internally consistent, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment, so I'm recording it).
The idea that it isn't a moral failing to be ill is one that matters a very great deal to me.
From Tristia, by Osip Mandelstam
Feb. 19th, 2014 10:45 pmTake for joy from the palms of my hands
fragments of honey and sunlight,
as the bees of Persephone commanded us.
Not to be untied the moored vessel,
not to be heard shadow walking on fur,
not to be mastered terror growing in thickened life.
We have only kisses now,
furred like the smallest bees
found dead after their flight from the hive.
Bees rustling in translucency of densest night,
their home the sleepy forest of Taigetos,
their food time, lungwort, mint.
Take then, take for joy my wild gift,
a plain dry necklace of dead bees,
bees that changed honey into sunlight.
Via![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dragonyphoenix because of jewelry.
fragments of honey and sunlight,
as the bees of Persephone commanded us.
Not to be untied the moored vessel,
not to be heard shadow walking on fur,
not to be mastered terror growing in thickened life.
We have only kisses now,
furred like the smallest bees
found dead after their flight from the hive.
Bees rustling in translucency of densest night,
their home the sleepy forest of Taigetos,
their food time, lungwort, mint.
Take then, take for joy my wild gift,
a plain dry necklace of dead bees,
bees that changed honey into sunlight.
Via
dragonyphoenix because of jewelry.