This is a really good example of how I fail at gender, and probably some other related things about, what can I call it, awareness of power dynamics, perhaps. The point of my comment was to notice how my experience of life is different from yours, and your clear response really explicates that difference.
If I'm talking to an older cis man who is perhaps acting condescending to me, it normally doesn't occur to me to think, I'm a woman having a conversation with a man here. (Obviously I can't speak to the experience of being a genderqueer person having a conversation with a man, so I'm sticking to what I do know.) I don't think, I'm female so it's my job to boost my superior's ego, and I also don't think, I'm female so I have to convince this man I'm his equal and worthy of respect. I just think of myself as a person having a conversation with another person, I rarely notice anything beyond that. I might notice age, I'm pretty unlikely to notice cis or straight. And I know that I myself am prone to explain things, and pontificate about topics I'm largely ignorant about, and talk people's ears off, so if someone behaves like that towards me, I don't think: he's being a patronizing entitled git, I'm more likely to think: we have similar personalities.
Nobody's ever really told me that my opinion is unimportant, nobody I'd ever pay any attention to anyway (random anonytrolls in internet discussions don't have much influence over me!) My upbringing, which looks a lot more like what feminists call "male socialization" than "female socialization" has led me to assume that most people who interact with me are interested in me, even if I don't really have any reason to believe that. So even if people are actually trying to steamroller me or correct my wrongness, I'm really unlikely to notice it unless they're extremely blatant about it. Simply explaining a topic I know more about than them won't cause me to notice I'm being condescended to.
And the energy-spending thing, that's why I mentioned in my comment that I'm an extreme extrovert. I find that conversations give me energy, rather than taking it from me. And yes, I'd rather have high-quality conversations with people who respect me and talk about stuff that I actually find interesting than the other kind. But I'd rather have low-quality conversations with condescending people than none, at any given moment. Because I'm oblivious I don't find myself spending energy convincing anyone to respect me, I just assume they do (and sometimes I get burnt and find out they're completely incapable of taking women seriously, but I rarely notice that going in).
[You don't seem spiky to me, not at all. I'm just rubbish at gender, and I continue to gain a lot from your patient explanations of the topic where clueless people like me can see them. It may be that my examples are different from yours, but I think it's more likely that I'm talking about similar situations but that you are perceptive and I am oblivious.]
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regna
(no subject)
Date: 2013-06-04 09:53 am (UTC)If I'm talking to an older cis man who is perhaps acting condescending to me, it normally doesn't occur to me to think, I'm a woman having a conversation with a man here. (Obviously I can't speak to the experience of being a genderqueer person having a conversation with a man, so I'm sticking to what I do know.) I don't think, I'm female so it's my job to boost my superior's ego, and I also don't think, I'm female so I have to convince this man I'm his equal and worthy of respect. I just think of myself as a person having a conversation with another person, I rarely notice anything beyond that. I might notice age, I'm pretty unlikely to notice cis or straight. And I know that I myself am prone to explain things, and pontificate about topics I'm largely ignorant about, and talk people's ears off, so if someone behaves like that towards me, I don't think: he's being a patronizing entitled git, I'm more likely to think: we have similar personalities.
Nobody's ever really told me that my opinion is unimportant, nobody I'd ever pay any attention to anyway (random anonytrolls in internet discussions don't have much influence over me!) My upbringing, which looks a lot more like what feminists call "male socialization" than "female socialization" has led me to assume that most people who interact with me are interested in me, even if I don't really have any reason to believe that. So even if people are actually trying to steamroller me or correct my wrongness, I'm really unlikely to notice it unless they're extremely blatant about it. Simply explaining a topic I know more about than them won't cause me to notice I'm being condescended to.
And the energy-spending thing, that's why I mentioned in my comment that I'm an extreme extrovert. I find that conversations give me energy, rather than taking it from me. And yes, I'd rather have high-quality conversations with people who respect me and talk about stuff that I actually find interesting than the other kind. But I'd rather have low-quality conversations with condescending people than none, at any given moment. Because I'm oblivious I don't find myself spending energy convincing anyone to respect me, I just assume they do (and sometimes I get burnt and find out they're completely incapable of taking women seriously, but I rarely notice that going in).
[You don't seem spiky to me, not at all. I'm just rubbish at gender, and I continue to gain a lot from your patient explanations of the topic where clueless people like me can see them. It may be that my examples are different from yours, but I think it's more likely that I'm talking about similar situations but that you are perceptive and I am oblivious.]