kaberett | conversational snippets & scripts

Me, earlier today: Hey, Adam, is there a reason you didn't flatten the [smallish] carton before putting it in the recycling? Adam: ... yes. I forgot. :( Me: Okay, cool!

... and there the conversation ends. If it were the case that he didn't realise that collapsing the boxes was better, or he was labouring under the erroneous belief that Not breaking them down was Better, we could productively continue the discussion ~~so that I could convince him that My Way Is Better~~. But it's not that: it's that Brains Gonna Brain. There is no disagreement here and in this instance no change that could be implemented where the benefits outweigh the costs, so -- information exchange complete, conclusion reached, and on we go.

I only really noticed the contrast between this shape of conversation and Assumed Heteronormative Scripts earlier today, when the cardboard question came up.

The "is there a reason...?" step is important: "pantry light on for a reason?" "bathroom light on for a reason?" "pantry door open for a reason?" means that if one of us has deliberately left part of the house in an unusual state as a reminder of a job we're partway through, the other doesn't Helpfully Tidy The Reminder Away before the job is complete.

It is of course not always the case that costs outweigh benefits. A point of particular frustration for me a while ago now was -- I usually use the bathroom second, morning and evening. So when we were getting to the end of a toothpaste tube, I'd extricate my toothpaste, notice it had been fiddly, and stand the tube on its hat so that gravity made it easier to get the last bits out. Whereupon A would go into the bathroom at the next teeth brushing o'clock, have no difficulty getting toothpaste out, and autopilot put the toothpaste back on its side without ever having had the fact that it was stood up enter his conscious awareness... so when I went to get some it would once again be horrid and fiddly and, crucially, more painful than it needed to be for me. But, on the other hand, these toothpaste tubes are prone to Leaking Enthusiastically if you just leave them stood up all the time, so that is not a great solution either! So this was one where I got to manage my own frustrated-rejected-unappreciated feelings and internalise that me feeling all of those things did not mean I was being rejected or unappreciated, and A spent a significant amount of effort training himself to actively notice what orientation the toothpaste tube was in before he picked it up, and as part of that we also did the thing where if I got to the bathroom and found the toothpaste unhelpfully oriented I would explicitly flag up that A Step Had Been Missed, and this is now very rarely an issue.

In contrast, the cardboard box cereal or whatever came in not being collapsed is just... a completely different magnitude of problem. It's mildly inefficient, but substantially less so than the inefficiency with which other people in the block fill the communal recycling bin; it doesn't hurt me; it doesn't significantly inconvenience me. It's worth asking if there's a reason, instead of silently feeling mildly exasperated -- but when the answer is "brains" knowing that helps me let go of the exasperation.

But mostly: I am just amused (and a little bit proud) that we have managed to get to a place where the answer to this sort of question being "no, there is no good-in-the-sense-of-positively-motivating reason" leads not to Increasing Resentment but instead to acceptance. Well done us.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

redbird

Yes, well done.

azurelunatic

Hooray!

wildeabandon

Heh. R & I quite often have a similar version of that conversation, where I'm usually (but not always) the one who forgot the thing. It hadn't occurred to me that it was unusual, but on reflection I can see why it might be. Well done you and us :)

doseybat

Reminds me of the Malagasy politeness system applied to non-Malagasy colleagues. I am asked unexpected and often vague questions, which makes me dive into talking about the thing, and usually a few minutes later the talking and thinking makes me realise where I f***d up, so I then proceed to explain and/or apologise and/or do better. It is indeed an awesome method

batrachian

Hooray for being functional people together! <3

redsixwing

Ah nice :)

sfred

alexwlchan

vass

Well done you both!

I really like that "is there a reason" actually means a neutral request for information, not sarcasm or a demand for a justification. For some people it would only be those things.