Another articulation

[kaberett]

I deal incredibly badly with people apologising to me for the wrong thing (i.e. not the thing I'm upset about), and I think I have worked out why: (1) it substitutes their judgment of the situation for my own*, and (2) it is frequently used to shut down any attempt to discuss the actual issue.

I've got enough history with (2) to cause problems in and of itself; combined with my Other History with respect to people treating me like I'm incompetent (and especially treating me like I'm incompetent when they don't have sufficient knowledge/information to make that call) and the interactions of that with (1), everything sort of explodes.

* which is a shitty, agency-denying baseline to start an apology from...

Comments

[kaberett]

Corollary: the vicious loop in which I don't accept an apology because it's not relevant, but the other party isn't in a fit state to have the conversation about the actual issue, and instead of backing the fuck off when asked they attempt to keep apologising for the wrong thing.

[silveradept]

And then, presumably, get mad at you for not accepting their apology, making it even less likely there will be talk about the actual issue.

[worlds_of_smoke]

yeah, ugh. That's so hurtful and frustrating. :/

[kaberett]

On the plus side, the incident I'm actually thinking of that has helped crystallise all this was about two years ago at this point, so!

[worlds_of_smoke]

Oh, that's good. <3

[untonuggan]

Fuck yes, this. With, for me, a side dose of "people who want to apologize to me for the wrong thing when it is emotionally convenient for them, not when I am in a fit state to talk about anything whatsoever and won't take 'not now' for an answer."

I. Yes. Thank you for articulating this so brilliantly.

[thefairymelusine]

Ah. I read this last night when kind of stuck in a situation which is similar. (I have the same issue with people apologising to me for the wrong thing, combined with that at a certain point I will be too non functional to be able to explain to the other person what was wrong and they can't understand it)

[raze]

Yes, to #1 and #2. Well articulated.

I am very messy about "I'm sorry" in general, particularly in the context of myself. I apologize for every little thing, including things that don't warrant it or that are outside of my control. I am perpetually apologizing to absolutely everyone, apparently for the fact that I exist. It annoys people and they sometimes express this... to which I compulsively apologize again. x_x

[calissa]

I love that you talk about these things. It always leaves me thinking about my interactions with others (in this case "have I experienced this?" and "do I do this to other people without realising it?")