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One day you finally knew
My immediate reaction to Captain Awkward #1141 was "-- SWEETHEART do I EVER have some advice for you --"
... and I'd already composed half a reply in my head, and then got to the bottom and found comments were, entirely understandably, turned off.
So: kiddo. Kiddo. (Is it obvious I'm addressing myself?) When you say:
... I'm pretty confident in stating that what's actually going on, in as close to 100% of cases as makes no odds, is that while having a shitty childhood does indeed impair your ability to judge whether the relationship you're in is great, it does so in his favour.
The issue isn't that you're being too demanding of him; the issue is that you're not being demanding enough. It's less bad than your childhood, so it's substantially expanded your horizons to Better Than You Could Imagine...
... but it's still, fundamentally, shitty -- but the problem is your shitty childhood severely impairs your ability to imagine anything better, and your ability to believe that anything better exists and that you deserve it.
So you blame yourself, because you know how to do that, and it helps you feel like you're in control and you can make it better, and even when it's a lie that helps you to survive.
So, darling, no: your deep yawning sense that something is wrong, very badly wrong, is bang on. The fact that you default to assuming that whatever's wrong is you is... not. This is not you fucking up something great. It's the beginnings of the whisper that'll guide you to saving the only life you can save -- to getting free.
... and I'd already composed half a reply in my head, and then got to the bottom and found comments were, entirely understandably, turned off.
So: kiddo. Kiddo. (Is it obvious I'm addressing myself?) When you say:
I had a pretty terrible childhood and for my mental health am not in contact with either of my parents anymore, so I keep worrying that maybe this is all a by-product of not being taught how to human correctly and there’s just something deeply and fundamentally wrong with me that is causing me to take a great relationship and fuck it all up.
... I'm pretty confident in stating that what's actually going on, in as close to 100% of cases as makes no odds, is that while having a shitty childhood does indeed impair your ability to judge whether the relationship you're in is great, it does so in his favour.
The issue isn't that you're being too demanding of him; the issue is that you're not being demanding enough. It's less bad than your childhood, so it's substantially expanded your horizons to Better Than You Could Imagine...
... but it's still, fundamentally, shitty -- but the problem is your shitty childhood severely impairs your ability to imagine anything better, and your ability to believe that anything better exists and that you deserve it.
So you blame yourself, because you know how to do that, and it helps you feel like you're in control and you can make it better, and even when it's a lie that helps you to survive.
So, darling, no: your deep yawning sense that something is wrong, very badly wrong, is bang on. The fact that you default to assuming that whatever's wrong is you is... not. This is not you fucking up something great. It's the beginnings of the whisper that'll guide you to saving the only life you can save -- to getting free.
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And then it's like . . . bb that's not 95%/5%. It really isn't. That's "this person is actually controlling and abusive all the time, and maybe 95% of the time you manage to live in a way that doesn't bump up against that, and also get out."
But yeah I wouldn't take comments on that one either. By the end of the letter that situation description is well into "also once you've left him do not agree to meet him alone anywhere, ever, for any reason" territory, but there'd inevitably be someone who . . . tried to argue with it.
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I think I am just more of a Dan than a Captain.
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I do wish the OP had been aware of the statistic about couples' counselling amplifying power imbalances and exacerbating abuse before it was pointed out that this was happening here. It's worryingly reliable, and tbh someone not having damn good reasons for doing their part of the work once told it's necessary is as big a red flag as any I can think of that don't involve hospital.
Edit to add: Oh god, point 10. I wish it was safe to rely on what medical professionals say about what can be noticed during "sex", but it isn't and while this isn't me, how did I get good at opsec in the first place?...
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Damn.
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You're out. I'm so glad you're out.
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it took 'i got accepted to a great phd program and it's on a different continent,' but I left.
(...I am jerkbrain-obligated to note that a lot of those years we were long-distance but hey brain that still counts)
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You're so scared that the relationship, the situation, whatever, is great and you're second-guessing yourself out of it, that you decide firmly that it's great in spite of all the evidence, all your intuition, because you don't know what good feels like and you're scared you won't be able to tell when it happens.
Sweetheart: you will.
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Gosh, that's high praise indeed. Very much appreciated -- thank you for saying. <3