Alex's (unsolicited) life advice

[kaberett]

I wish there were some productive way for me to communicate to humans at large that, if they see a lone wheelchair user Out And About, prior to approaching them they should ask themselves Two Simple Questions:

(1) Would the question I'm about to ask be kinda weird and intrusive if the wheelchair weren't present?
(2) Would I ask it anyway?

This enables people to e.g. stop and offer me a sympathetic cigarette because I'm clearly having stunningly obvious hysterics by the side of the river and have been for some time, while actively militating against... pulling their car into a lane they'd never normally be in, stopping, leaning over the empty seat to open the passenger-side door, and asking me if I'm okay.

I WAS PLAYING POKEMON.

I'M FINE.

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT GIVES YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I'M NOT SO I CAN STOP DOING IT.

Comments

[cosmolinguist]

The number of times I get stopped and asked if I'm okay when I'm, e.g. halfway across a street, halfway down a flight of stairs, etc... I feel like turning to these people and asking how they think I got out of the house and this far into my day on my own, only to suddenly become entirely reliant on them.

Not to mention that halfway across a street or down some stairs (neither of which is an exaggeration, both have happened to me) is a really bad time to interrupt or startle a white cane user who's probably concentrating on a lot more things than you are at that moment.

[kaberett]

YES. Different set of challenges, obviously, but people LOVE asking me if I need help i.e. demanding I pay them a Socially Acceptable Amount Of Attention And Gratitude when I'm in the middle of something technically challenging that would be absolutely fine if they weren't distracting me.

See also: people yanking doors out of my hands "to be helpful" when at the point at which I'm holding the door I'd got my manoeuver planned out to use the momentum I'd get from pushing off it.

(Spot! The set of things that's happened to me today!)

[niqaeli]

I tend to figure if someone is already negotiating a door, I'm likely going to just upset all their calculations if I try to get it. I figure the same for people laden with packages they're carrying as cane and wheelchair users on that one! I really don't understand what is so damned difficult about that.

On a related note: the number of people who have gotten a door for me when I've got the cane and a ton of shit I'm wrangling to boot that I then feel obliged to deal with maneuvering past them because elsewise they'll Be Aggrieved at my Lack Of Appreciation even though that whole damn thing is MUCH MORE TROUBLE than just letting me use the goddamned automated door that works JUST FINE and is LITERALLY HERE FOR THIS PRECISE PURPOSE of assisting disabled people manage doors.... is not small. And most days I really don't have the energy to deal with the Aggrieved, however transiently, sigh.

[lilysea]

*Solidarity*

*Empathy*

[cosmolinguist]

Solidarity. <3

[davidgillon]

Absolutely, the most useful thing in negotiating doors as a wheelie is the door itself!

A friend who uses crutches regularly has the door snatched away while the door handle is the only thing holding him up, resulting in him being left sprawled at 'helpful' person's feet.

[liv]

This is the one that I always have trouble with. Asking someone 'do you need a hand?' is absolutely something I would do if the person wasn't visibly disabled, and they were navigating through a tricky door or carrying an awkward amount of stuff. But if I ask someone in wheelchair whether they need help that might come across as patronizing, or a gratitude demanding micro-aggression, or indeed interrupt them in the middle of a manoeuvre and make things worse. So in that sense the Two Simple Questions don't get me anywhere: it wouldn't be weird or intrusive if I offered minor practical help to an apparently able-bodied person, and I would ask the question anyway, because I (another able-bodied person) would want to be helped if I didn't have enough free hands to get myself and my stuff through a door.

I guess the best plan is for me to file 'do you need help?' as an exception to the Two Simple Questions rule, because it's a case where treating disabled people 'just like anyone else' is in fact detrimental.

[kaberett]

Actually, not necessarily! The things that end up making "Do you need a hand?" come across as passive-aggressive and patronising to me are (a) misjudging what "an awkward amount of stuff is" from the perspective of a wheelchair user, and much more importantly, (b) not accepting "nah, I'm fine" as an answer. "I'll get that door for you!!!" or, as I say, walking up behind me to yank it out of my hands are problems; "no, I'm grand, thanks" being ignored is actually where it tips over into being a problem for me. "Fab, have a nice day!" as a response works just fine.

[sporky_rat]

For me, anybody who has both hands full gets asked if they need a hand with a non-automatic door, full stop. If they don't, cool. If so, cool. Then again, I frequently use a cane and therefore fall into both categories, so....

[jesse_the_k]

Just want to underline the it's fine if you'll actually accept a no!

Something about this year it seems like more people are actually asking me, and when I say, "Nope, I've got this" they're "Cool" and no micro-aargh and all is well.

[davidgillon]

The guy who threw himself in front of me on a flight of stairs so he could open the door for me was a personal favourite.

I challenged him on it and he insisted he had been right to do it.