the big lies

[kaberett]

Not-really-a-linkspam: How Autistics and Neurotypicals Experience Emotions Differently. I have a whole bunch of quibbles & criticisms, but I'm interested in the framework, the concept of experiencing "justice" and "mercy" and "work" as emotions -- for example (emphasis as in the original):

I have a close friend [...] She will show me something she has been working on, and my immediate response will be to correct the language which might not be as accurate or as thoughtful as it could be. I do this before telling her how proud I am for the Work she’s doing, before I tell her it’s well-written, and before I affirm for her that she is a good person doing a good thing. She does the same for me.

The reason is because if someone complimented me on Work I was doing, then I would feel they were implying that I was Laboring in the interest of self-promotion or validation-seeking. These aren’t spoken values, but something we feel innately. This is how I Labor with other autistics. We correct each other. We offer what expertise and insight we can to sharpen the other’s Work, to add volume and clarity to the other’s Love song.

I don't think the things the author talks about as Weird Neurotypical Habits -- gifts, cards, talking about the weather, asking "how are you?" -- are in any sense universally solely Weird Neurotypical Habits even though they don't work for her. "We don’t really congratulate each other, because that would be an invalidation of the Purpose." -- um, excuse me, no. (There's probably something here about autism and trauma, as previously discussed: it's taken me a while to learn that it's useful for me to note and recognise and praise effort, as well as outcomes and product, but it taking me a while to notice that, it not coming naturally to me, doesn't mean it's pointless or invalidating.)

But it still feels like there is Something In There, even if I've not managed to articulate it yet, so apparently that's what I'll be chewing over this afternoon.

Comments

[recessional]

That makes sense! And I think that's a pretty common cultural short-circuit, given how often even the allistics who supposedly make/are "naturals" at the rules then . . . don't thank people they consider socially below them, or whom they're osmotically taught they're allowed to take advantage of/etc?

Like that's what gets explicitly taught, and then the allistics pick up all the weird subtle social "also you are expected to thank people to motivate them to do what you want/to create a positive social atmosphere" shit Just Because (which then in many of them goes . . . weird. And sideways. And ends up in Unpleasant Cultural Things like the bs that's recently showed up on my Twitter timeline with a high-falutin' boss person saying "oh I never hire anyone who doesn't write me a thank you note after the interview, it's a great barrier to entry". e.e)

And I know that especially for the 80s-00s my family was somewhat unusual in that . . .thank-yous went both ways? Explicitly. Adults were to thank kids for doing things they wanted done, too. (This caused tension between my mother, who firmly believed this, and an uncle or two, who felt Kids Should Do As Told). And it was actually explained to me, that this is WHY we do it, in active efforts by my mother to foster better family communication.

It's more common now because we have a thread of Parenting Training that focuses on the "model the behaviour you want to see, you teach your children to say thank you by SHOWING them", but back then not so much.

But yeah. It's just interesting, at least to me!