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observation on a theme of vulnerability
Oct. 24th, 2019 10:31 pmAt least some of my problem with responding to e-mails from friends is that they go and do shit like ask "how are you?" and that's an unbounded open-ended question that means my Fear Of Not Being Interesting To Other People kicks in and I just... don't, because clearly anything I say will be Too Much and Too Boring.
Having recognised this I have at least managed to reply to one such friend, at great length, within 36 hours of... a "no really, how are you?" e-mail sent after I had utterly failed to manage a response to their previous message (exactly two months previously in August, good grief, where does the time go), and while I'm now having to squish the anxiety about Too Much E-mail Too Many Words Nobody Cares I have at least tried.
I think this also feeds into my reluctance to leave substantive comments on other people's Dreamwidths or even, often, in response to your (much-appreciated) comments here: when I'm just typing into the entry box I can pretend that it's just me talking to myself, a lot of the time, which is supported by the asynchronous communication and the bit where I don't feel like anybody's Waiting, all of which sort of unavoidably collapses a bit when I find myself unambiguously in conversation with people. I need to poke gently at my brain some more, apparently, about the bit where engagement and interaction isn't fundamentally predicated on me possessing sparkling originality of thought. I mean, yes, some of the problem is that I am fundamentally currently Forever Thesis, and most of my words-brain is going on that, but c'mon, Alex, be a little kinder to yourself, if people weren't interested in what you have to say & in spending time with you maybe they wouldn't be commenting on your blog, hmm? Just a thought, love. There you go.
Having recognised this I have at least managed to reply to one such friend, at great length, within 36 hours of... a "no really, how are you?" e-mail sent after I had utterly failed to manage a response to their previous message (exactly two months previously in August, good grief, where does the time go), and while I'm now having to squish the anxiety about Too Much E-mail Too Many Words Nobody Cares I have at least tried.
I think this also feeds into my reluctance to leave substantive comments on other people's Dreamwidths or even, often, in response to your (much-appreciated) comments here: when I'm just typing into the entry box I can pretend that it's just me talking to myself, a lot of the time, which is supported by the asynchronous communication and the bit where I don't feel like anybody's Waiting, all of which sort of unavoidably collapses a bit when I find myself unambiguously in conversation with people. I need to poke gently at my brain some more, apparently, about the bit where engagement and interaction isn't fundamentally predicated on me possessing sparkling originality of thought. I mean, yes, some of the problem is that I am fundamentally currently Forever Thesis, and most of my words-brain is going on that, but c'mon, Alex, be a little kinder to yourself, if people weren't interested in what you have to say & in spending time with you maybe they wouldn't be commenting on your blog, hmm? Just a thought, love. There you go.