kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
(details on fb, possibly to be copied here if y'all are interested, in tl;dr trigger warnings suicide, domestic violence, abuse, coercion, enabling of all of the above, plus bonus sexual harrassment.)

-- but I am on a BUS to OXFORD where I will be fed and looked after, and there are half-hourly buses from London to Oxford at this time of night so it's easy to decide I'm showing up very early in the morning as opposed to reasonably early in the morning, and I've got a pair of seats to myself, and I'm making progress on the introductions meme--

-- and what I'm actually pondering, again, is how astonished I am by the concept of intensity, by myself as intense. I've spent so much time depressed, so much time with anhedonia, with everything muted and grey (i am out here studying stones/trying to learn to be less alive/using all of my will/to hold very still/still even on the inside) that I'm startled every time I realise that pretty much every single person who has met me since I started anti-depressants does think of me that way, saturated colours and vibrancy and fierceness without viciousness, or at least without viciousness as a necessary component. Seeing myself through your eyes is a gift; on nights like this knowing that it is a truth of my existence helps me settle, reminds me what I want to be and that I can do it, reminds me that I am capable. Thank you.
kaberett: Photo of a cassowary with head tilted to one side (cassowary)
Content note: discussion of food, reference to eating disorders.

Read more... )
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
klar, dass sind nur Träumen
und dass sind nicht deinen
dass sind meinen
doch die funktionieren dafur
(Virginia Jetzt!)

On good days it's progress. On bad days it's submission. ([personal profile] recessional)

(I was explaining to [personal profile] sebastienne earlier that I don't have much by way of volition at the moment; wanting things is something people get to have, not something I deserve. So, yes, I'm substituting other people's judgment for my own at the moment, but what this means in practice is that the gulf of knowledge-not-belief is one I will cross - or perhaps, merely, not be swallowed by - on the tightrope of other people believing for and about me, for now. I don't think this is a healthy long- or even medium-term strategy; I do think that at the moment it is less bad than my other options. And, importantly, so far as I am ceding judgment and decisions to others, it's people I know will hold them in trust for me, to be returned when they're a load I can bear again without breaking.)
kaberett: A photograph of a dark-grey train with white cogs painted on the side, with a bit of station roof visible above. (trains)
Periodically I will have a lot of FEELINGS about something at someone, and will get to the end of the feelingsdump, and say, somewhat sheepishly, "... I HAD A LOT OF FEELINGS sorry".

Facesfriend is in the habit of responding - rather drily - "gosh, how unlike you."

This exchange happened earlier today. (In this instance the topic was Explaining The Manics to him; over the past couple of weeks topics I have Had A Lot Of Feelings About include comparative bus etiquette, the second world war, the Green Party boyband video, the RNLI, space robots, etc.) And it finally twigged that no, actually, I do think of it as Unlike Me and something sufficiently out of the ordinary to be apologised for, and this is probably because I spent at least ages 13 to 21 with untreated severe depression, and one of the symptoms of my depression is generally anhedonia, and I just... am not even a tiny bit used to being able to experience intense positive emotion at the drop of a hat. It's strange and unsettling and I don't know what to do with it.

It's very disconcerting to learn that's not how others perceive me, these days. Internalities and externalities.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
  • Group Christmas dinner last night. Head of Group checked with staff whether it was okay to smoke inside the building. My coughing & throat were noticeably worse when he was more actively smoking the e-cig than when he wasn't (even when I had my back to him so had no idea what he was doing other than lung reaction). On the other hand, he noticed me looking twitchy so I've managed to discuss it a little... and awkwardly it turns out that he was already smoking less in meetings with me than with all his other students. Augh.
  • Lots of being-scared-of-things at the moment. Need to sort out what fears are which. The scared-I'm-crazy (wrt the smoke exposure thing) vs the scared-of-accidentally-dating vs just being so tired again. (Actually, I just need to write that post about last week's Elementary, I think, to discuss this more; right, that's why I wasn't going to do that here.)
  • Housemate is home. <3
  • Lunch with my mum in the NHM was nice (she was there for work and it's right next door, so).
  • I am having so many feelings about Stray Italian Greyhound (god I just want to lay down/these colors make my eyes hurt/this feeling calls for everything that I am/not//I’m not that kind/I’m so good at shooting down any notion/this tired world could change) and also a bunch more about Least Complicated (I'm just a mirror of a mirror of myself)
  • Everything hurts pretty consistently at the moment, for reasons I am not at all clear on, and I am just. so. tired.
  • Okay, I will get up the national rail website to prompt myself to sort out tickets to York for later this month, and then I will listen to Never Look Away again, and then I will head down to lab and do a five-minute job and then I will come back up here and try to get caught up with paperwork and then I will do another fifteen minutes in lab. Ugh. Everything is slow and difficult, and executive function isn't; SAD, I think.
kaberett: a patch of sunlight on the carpet, shaped like a slightly wonky heart (light hearted)
First Charing Cross appointment survived as of Wednesday lunchtime! Barrett did an excellent job of walking the line of the non-actionable; he was determined to tell me lots of incredibly irrelevant anecdotes about his time working with youth offenders, but fundamentally I treated him like an incompetent and irritating supervisor who considered me incompetent and irritating, and this worked well. (Case in point: I successfully rendered him temporarily speechless by telling him very politely that naturally I understood that he had to take a conservative approach...)

Outcomes: I now ~understand~ that ~gender neutrality~ is like ~anarchism~ in that it is inherently unstable and will inevitably collapse into one of democracy or dictatorship (YOU'RE WELCOME); I note that "people find it too difficult to present as gender neutral in ~~~real life~~~" is not in point of fact an argument that gender-neutral identities don't exist, and you position yourself uniquely to believe that in fact they do not; "but what if in a decade's time you don't feel comfortable taking your shirt off on a beach!!!" is not in fact an argument against giving me top surgery now; etc etc. Not dreadful, nothing I couldn't cope with, and next time I possibly get to see Lorimer.


My mental health has improved markedly since starting the vitD, which is extremely pleasant. I am so, so much better; it's a great relief - I'm back down to PHQ-9 score of 8 (from 18 when we tested my bloods). (8 is operating-within-normal-parameters for me -- I am scoring quite highly on the fatigue questions because I've had a long lab stint, and have been in work every day yes-including-weekends since sometime early last week.)


The rest of the ten good things! )
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
We're gonna test me for renal function, liver function, thyroid function, bone profile, ESR, zinc, iron, vitD, vitB12 and serum folate, and hope that something obvious shows up. GP treated me like an expert patient, trusted my self-report of my PHQ-9 result, and asked sensible questions & appeared to understand my answers. He also made the appropriate noises when I went "lol ESR you know that's gonna be suggestive of systemic inflammation rite".

We have also further discussed loratadine (in particular, how much I can play with the dosage; putting it on repeat; writing me a scrip for more) and my NSAIDs (other people are also getting bitten by the manufacturing issue with mef; he's moved me onto naproxen).

So I didn't get to talk about everything but I have another appt a week on Thursday to discuss results (and maybe sort out more prescriptions), so. Job done, until tomorrow morning at 8.50.
kaberett: A series of phrases commonly used in academic papers, accompanied by humourous "translations". (science!)
Content notes: reference to depression, weight loss, survivalism, discussion of SSRI efficacy.

Read more... )
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
Sickness is not another country.
It's an ocean, with checkpoints on the beaches
and border guards of stone and surf.
And oh, we vessels, we
put in, sometimes, to unanticipated harbour
surprised - delighted - by reprieve.
You, perhaps, may disembark, may embrace land--
but I'm cast off, compelled
to struggle through the storm and pray for calm.
kaberett: A drawing of a black woman holding her right hand, minus a ring finger, in front of her face. "Oh, that. I cut it  off." (molly - cut it off)
I'm going to be dropping my citalopram to my summer dosage a week on Monday, so the 28th of April.

If you spot me going a bit wrong and I don't seem to have noticed, I'd massively appreciate you pointing it out, but t'isn't any of your jobs; and I'll be self-monitoring with PHQ-9 all else aside.

(ps thank you to everyone going "what the fuck" about my GP; I think I'd got into learned-helplessness mode about the entire situation. I have Done Some Preliminary Investigation into potential replacements.)
kaberett: Yellow gingko leaf against teal background (gingko)
These are the steps of the morning: get out of bed. Daylight bulb. Teeth. Shower. Dress. Select jewelry; select perfume. (Try to remember, to summon energy, to brush my hair.) Breakfast. Pills. Is everything in my pockets? Is everything in my bag? Do I need a coat?

-- it's not that simple. It's never that simple. Sometimes "get out of bed" gets broken down into minute steps. "Shower" is almost always smaller than that: pyjamas? dressing gown? towel? bathroom. remove clothes. hang towel on rail. stand staring blankly into space. eventually remember how to step into the shower. eventually summon motive force to do it. is my hair up? do I know where my shower cap is? should it be on my head? did I actually remember my towel? fuck. hot water: hot water helps. now what? choose shower gel. spiky or warm? was it cold outside? did I get daylight when I opened my eyes? rinse. turn off water. try to remember how to get out of shower. wrap self in towel. stand staring blankly into space.

Some days, I can run through on autopilot. Some days, every motion is a choice (and every choice is hard). This is what living with executive dysfunction, exacerbated by depression, is like.

Read more... )


I still find it unsettling to realise how hugging myself in the bathroom, lost and all forlorn, somehow strings moment into moment into being, into brightness and beauty and confidence. I curl myself around these rituals; I draw strength from them; and I am building myself a life.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
I keep meaning to collect these snippets together, so -- here: these are songs that mean a very great deal to me, because of how their descriptions of depression chime with my experiences. Content note for suicide on the Barenaked Ladies song.

Read more... )
kaberett: Yellow gingko leaf against teal background (gingko)
Content warnings: suicide, self-injury.

Read more... )

Harry is still the reason that I say I am trans, and I am mad, and I am human, and is the reason I will keep on saying it as long as I have words left in me.

I cannot but light candles.

Profile

kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
kaberett

June 2017

M T W T F S S
   1234
567 891011
121314151617 18
19 202122232425
2627282930  

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios