kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
[I am using The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook. DBT is a form of therapy that was developed by Marsha Linehan who would diagnose her 17-year-old self with Borderline Personality Disorder (CN for graphic discussion of self-injury, suicidality, and institutionalisation at that link).]

There are two intended audiences for The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. The first is people who are in dialectical behavior therapy (either group or individual) and need a workbook to help learn the four key skills. We also wrote this book so it could be used independently by anyone who struggles with overwhelming feelings.

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kaberett: A drawing of a black woman holding her right hand, minus a ring finger, in front of her face. "Oh, that. I cut it  off." (molly - cut it off)
Counsellor yesterday asked if next week's session could be a little later than usual, at 2 instead of noon, and I said sure and then belatedly realised that I was due to see my GP at 2.20, and then at 1am I was very good and logged into the online system and discovered that his only other appointment between now and when he goes on holiday was 11.20 today, so I booked that. (A moment of amusement: I went to see David at the local IAPT place yesterday, rather than at my GP surgery where he works one day a week. When he's there he's in rather more of a managerial role, and, well, that is the first time I've ever seen him wearing a three-piece suit, let us put it that way. The instant we got into the room for therapy he took off the jacket and rolled his shirtsleeves up...)

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kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
First, a poem I keep coming back and back to through the years:

Between | Michael O'Siadhail )

Second, the thing I'm playing wall with most this week (and for the past few months, to be honest) appears to be the concept of desire. I'm tangled up in finding it hard to treat wanting as anything other than binary: something one does or doesn't, in effect, completely divorced from emotion (so "I want to, but it's impractical" is something I interpret - and to some degree experience as - "I don't want to"). Which - isn't healthy, but is also a very typical set of experiences/behaviours/beliefs/systems for people I shall euphemistically class as of my background.

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It's clearly being brought to the surface by the current round with depression (about which I am feeling less immediately despairing this week, between no longer being in a high-progesterone stage of my cycle and working myself to pleasant physical exhaustion and having just spent three-four days in close proximity with one of my best friends), but this is an ongoing issue I ought to work on, sigh.
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
  • At least some of my being terrified of writing for people other than myself (so - blog posts, technical writing, etc) is related to my dad's terrible thing of going "too slow!" at us whenever he asked us a question over dinner. Ergo I baulk and dig in my heels and refuse to write anything until the deadline's gone wooshing past because I'm too scared, and at least when it has gone wooshing past I am safe in the knowledge that I have disappointed people and can therefore can just get on with things (to some extent with a cocktail of sleep deprivation and adrenaline driving me forward). (Don't hesitate/it'll never push you forward/don't waste the time you've been given...) (There is a poem trying to happen about how I am living on time borrowed from my other selves.)
  • I look despairing when talking about TOG, and open and happy and secure when talking about P-the-no-longer-unethical or Awesome Ex-Housemate C. (And realised myself, somewhat wryly, that towards the end of our relationship I felt that I was without hope on the topic of Us; out the other side of that I find that I am not, in fact, as hopeless as might be good for me.)
  • Joking and current music fields aside, I'm pretty confident that I do love TOG in the knowledge of who and what he is, as opposed to an image of him disconnected from reality. I was very clear that I didn't expect that he would quit and that I loved him in that knowledge and belief; unfortunately nothing much has changed there except for developing a hard limit. Which makes not worrying about him difficult, alas, and means I have all these feelings that I need to work out what to do with.
  • I am all tangled up and sad & trying to carry other people's burdens all unasked at the moment; it's not good for me and I need to work out how to set them aside. Homework for the week was lots of breathing exercises (we know they work for me) and some focussing on the serenity prayer (at my own wry suggestion; counsellor said "Will that help?" and I replied "Well, it'll make me grin wryly, so yes, in a sense....").

Next session late Friday afternoon next week. Counsellor is once again attempting to charge me less money...
kaberett: Photo of a cassowary with head tilted to one side (cassowary)
Will give you money for it. I want something that does Android and will usefully run one of them sleep-monitoring apps - my counsellor wants me to keep a sleep diary (they pulled the face, you know the one, when I told them how long I can stay awake with amitriptyline and temazepam in my system) and I am grumpily trying to get my act together to be more compliant with my med schedule. I don't want it as an actual phone, I don't care how beat up it is, the more likely it is to survive for more than 5 minutes around me the better, smaller overall dimensions much more important to me than screen real estate.

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kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
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