kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
[personal profile] kaberett
The glib answer: it's 4.20 a.m., I'm not intending to sleep tonight, I didn't manage to get dressed until about 5 p.m., and the only medication I've taken in the past 24 hours is the antidepressant I get horrible withdrawal from if I don't, how do you think.

The marginally less glib answer: badly.

The actually informative one: oh, goodness, I don't know. My current major stressor is that I was supposed to get the keys to my new place (I'm moving! into a lovely flat with a six gas ring hob, and beautiful granite work surfaces, and a back garden, and gorgeous built-in bookshelves in my bedroom! with a kinky poly trans lesbian working at the mathsy end of computer sciences!) on Thursday morning; Shenanigans Ensued, and I will now not be able to move in until the 3rd of January, but my rent on the Den of Christians is up as of 10.30 a.m. I have sorted things out such that I am also not paying rent on the sodding thing until then, but - this still leaves me in a situation where I have a carload of stuff with me in London, no particular desire to take it back up to Cambridge over the two weeks when I have nowhere in London to live (not least because I have a second carload of kitchen equipment that wants to come back with me in aforementioned car, plus some seating I didn't manage to bring with in the first round), and - the obvious solution, which is "transport it all to my cubicle in the department and leave it there." Plus some more shenanigans to do with "by yourself, because everyone is busy", "you can't drive", "you'd feel bad asking for help", and "you only have access to your building 7am-11pm."

This is a major contributor to my being a bit mad at the moment. Not the entirety of the problem, by a long way - other issues include "new trauma for people I love", "doctors trained to fucking practise", "trying to get another round of chemistry done before the break", "the fucking situation with the fucking assertiveness course" (generally improving, but still kinda hellacious taken on a timescale of the last two weeks) and "missing a counselling session".

Several of which are, well, also to do with transitions: to a new GP I haven't yet trained; still establishing relationship with new counsellor, though that's generally doing well; handling my competence issues with respect to being a new PhD student and ~getting enough done~; adding "carer" to the range of roles applied to a particular person...

... and what it boils down to is this: in situations where I know what I'm doing, I have control, and influence of external factors is minimal I'm generally pretty good at coping with change.

But in situations where I feel a strong need to be perceived as competent, my actions are largely contingent on other people not cocking things up, and I don't actually have control? Everything goes kind of to shit, Q.E.D.

I suspect at least some of this is related to the old autism, in that when I am under pressure but my range of options is limited, my executive function is one of the first things to go. Plus, of course, finding it really difficult to judge what other people think of me, whether I'm doing enough, etc etc etc. It is all very tedious. And perhaps if this had been asked on another day, when I wasn't doing the fucking stupid thing I am currently, you'd have got a more thoughtful and less sweary answer, but to be honest it would probably contain the same bare-bones response. So there we go.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 05:27 am (UTC)
jelazakazone: black squid on a variegated red background (Default)
From: [personal profile] jelazakazone
:::hugs::: It is a very stressful time of year and to have all that heaped on top of you on top of the normal holiday stresses is a lot for anyone to bear.

I have nothing to say, really, except that I'm listening and I really appreciate your willingness to talk about these things publicly. It is heartening. You're a love. <3

sorry this might be hijacking

Date: 2013-12-21 06:48 am (UTC)
cadenzamuse: Cross-legged girl literally drawing the world around her into being (Default)
From: [personal profile] cadenzamuse
Yep. I notice it most when there's even a minor amount of stress (and right now finances = one of the biggest stressors I have ever encountered) plus packing to do, for example, right this second it's 01:48, and I am avoiding packing for the 10-hour drive to Partner's family's house, despite needing to wake up at 05:00.

Sorry to hear that there's a lot of crap to slog through for you. I'm listening. And I should stop now, before I keep obsessively changing what time it is and never finish packing. But I really am listening, and glad you are here and talking.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 10:31 am (UTC)
littlebutfierce: (atla toph armored up)
From: [personal profile] littlebutfierce
Ugh, nightmare!!! Good luck getting thru all the stuff -- moving is stressful enough in general w/o suddenly being forced to make all kinds of interim arrangements & stuff. :/

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 01:49 pm (UTC)
lizcommotion: sunflower in a field (sunflower)
From: [personal profile] lizcommotion
*here and listening*

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 08:05 pm (UTC)
lizcommotion: heart in rainbow colors (rainbow heart)
From: [personal profile] lizcommotion
YAY!!!

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 02:51 pm (UTC)
jjhunter: Drawing of human JJ in ink tinted with blue watercolor; woman wearing glasses with arched eyebrows (JJ inked)
From: [personal profile] jjhunter
Are there some small things you can do right now to take care of yourself? Cup of tea, poem to read, toe and finger wriggling // whatever body equivalent gets your blood moving a bit more & you feeling more awake + rooted, _____, ?

And also: goodness this sounds familiar. I am sometimes not so good with change either (euphemism).

And always: <3 without conditions.

(<3)

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 07:39 pm (UTC)
jjhunter: Drawing of human JJ in ink tinted with blue watercolor; woman wearing glasses with arched eyebrows (JJ inked)
From: [personal profile] jjhunter
It makes me happy that I can say this as shorthand:
shine so brightly leap upon leaping

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 04:44 pm (UTC)
alexseanchai: quill, ink bottle, and calligraphy (Default)
From: [personal profile] alexseanchai
Yikes. Seconding everything jjhunter said about self-care and <3.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 05:36 pm (UTC)
silveradept: A kodama with a trombone. The trombone is playing music, even though it is held in a rest position (Default)
From: [personal profile] silveradept
Oof. May you reassert control swiftly, and have lots of people who can take care of you while things are indeterminate.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-21 08:22 pm (UTC)
crazyscot: Fake warning sign reading "Danger Helvetica" (helvetica)
From: [personal profile] crazyscot
D-:

(v relieved to read follow-up in the comments.)

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-22 12:58 am (UTC)
pipisafoat: a small blue owl figurine, looking whimsically to the side (Default)
From: [personal profile] pipisafoat
♥♥ used up spoons educating; love is all i have left in me to offer you ♥♥

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-22 08:52 am (UTC)
calissa: (Default)
From: [personal profile] calissa
I'm very glad to hear that things got sorted. <3

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kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
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