kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Hello! You are a person! You are probably lovely! I like people!

This journal ends up being a bit of a mix of Srs Business (rants; things I've learned from counselling; &c), fannish & scientific joy, linkspams, poetry, & misc life updates. I tag fairly compulsively, though not always helpfully; I use content notes; I aim to maintain this as a safer space, and appreciate (but do not expect!) call-outs when I mess up. Possibly helpful: a little about (some of) the important people in my life.

I like it if you introduce yourself when you subscribe, but it's definitely not required. Probably 30% of this journal is access-locked; I give access very readily. Fanworks are always public; AO3 is the canonical place to find my list of works. I'm very happy for you to link to anything that's public, and I'll be even happier if you let me know you're doing it. :-)


permanent wishlist -- care & feeding () -- contact info ()

[archiveofourown.org profile] kaberett -- at the LashBlog -- [ravelry.com profile] kaberett -- BPAL.org -- kabe@rett.org.uk
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
How is it that so very great a gift
can be as fragile, tiny, tenuous as this:
this sun-bleached bird skull, feather-light,
caught in protecting nets emplaced
from June til autumn (dawn til dusk).
Nearby: a poised and outspread wing,
tenacity of tenderness made flesh.
Unwieldy metaphor, perhaps, and yet--
and yet. O best belov'd: take flight.

(It is the lightness of your embrace
that will let me go adrift.
-- Meg Bateman)
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
I have watched half a season of Orphan Black this evening, which I am pretty sure makes me a fan.

(Also achieved: redcurrants removed from stalks, Ribiselkuchen, first batch of apples stewed, dinnerfoods, washing up, probably shortly taking the recycling out. Many thanks to fabbo housemate for company and conversation and assistance and all that good stuff. <3)

ps dear self: (1) some sunshine from April; (2) you started loratadine today.
kaberett: A drawing of a black woman holding her right hand, minus a ring finger, in front of her face. "Oh, that. I cut it  off." (molly - cut it off)
I will burn.
I will burn for who I am
and I will be a beacon.
I will burn with rage
and light up skies
with starfire, eye-searing
incandescence, a guiding
pillar of flame.
I will be lighthouse.
I will burn warning.
I will burn jubiliation,
firework-bursts of fierce joy.
O ye dispossessed, take heart:
I shall light for ye a path.
I shall consume
(I shall consume the dark).
And I will say: this
I would choose again.
I choose. I choose, and choose to burn.
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
The clouds that scud across the the heavens of my moods
are only water, for all they cast me into intermittent
shade. The tears that scour my face are only water, too;
so too my thunderstorms, so too the streams
through which I tread, on which I float, reminded
I can move. My heartbeat echoes through the spaces
between atoms. I am two-thirds water: I'm
composed of opposing forces; it's
the water with which I quench my thirst that snows
bitter-cold upon the seedlings in the garden of my soul.
I am two-thirds water. I am whole.
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
Clearly I am not terrible at writing in general; clearly, in general, I enjoy writing, hence the fic and the poetry and the blog essays. I'm even pretty comfortable sitting down and bashing out an explanation of my work for lay folk.

I think my key issue is probably audience: not knowing what knowledge it is reasonable to expect, and so on. I think this is something that will get easier with (1) practice and (2) better-defined writing exercises - the kind of detail required for a transfer report is apparently huge amounts of extraneous background that you would never include in a paper, and that's some of the stuff that trips me up.

Currently I am working on trying to practice doing at least a tiny amount of technical writing for a known target audience every day. It is hard and maybe my supervisor will hate it, but then again maybe she won't and I'll have a draft paper I can rework then submit?

I also seriously need to work on the fact that I genuinely have trauma around this (partly arising from the winter of my discontent; partly from various other things where I have Done It Wrong and been hideously stressed, as cumulative thingy) (wow I really need that formal PTSD diagnosis) - I go into panic reaction when I start trying to write, I have to come at it sideways - open the file up, do something else, remind myself what else I needed, do something else, open up the necessary adjuncts, do something else, etc - and this is a problem. And. I kept shying away from writing this post because I don't believe I really have trauma; I'm putting it up half-baked as it is because it hurts to look at straight on.

This is a step.
kaberett: Sketch of a "colourless, hamsterish"  animal having a paddy. (anxiety creature)
"Stemettes" is an absolutely terrible term to use for female undergraduates in STEM fields. No. Wow. Inarticulate fury.
kaberett: Toph making a rock angel (toph-rockangel)
nts: Rhodri Davies on LLSVPs as purely thermal; statistical analysis --> plumes actually initiate prompted by downgoing slabs

pattern of downgone slabs? ages? association with age of AOC? globally widespread? modern-day plumes shouldn't care about 2.5Ga subducted slabs - but enough subducted crap lying around to explain it? Rather than LLSVPs, entrain mix of wossnames from lower mantle ("slab graveyard") allowing for more interesting complexity than LLSVP?


Sep. 16th, 2014 12:47 am
kaberett: a patch of sunlight on the carpet, shaped like a slightly wonky heart (light hearted)
UP TO DATE ON THE INTRODUCTIONS MEME. Please go see if you'd like to get to know any of my awesome friends better, and if YOU, TOO would like an introduction but have thus far been too shy/busy/forgetful/whatever to request one, by all means go ahead and ask (though be aware that it may well take another fortnight for me to get around to catching up again...).

It may surprise those of you who have heard me complain to know that I do actually genuinely enjoy saying nice things about people, and it is currently very good for me to do so! So. (I am thinking I might run a more traditional love meme in November, also, because November is always hard and it's been a while since we've had one around here.) Thank you all for being wonderful.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
(Not sure what's going on here? The answer is Ancillary Justice.)

We're told that Radchaai does not bother with gendered pronouns. It seems to me that the default pronoun used means gender-irrelevant (rather than gender-unknown or gender-specific, which seem to me to be a useful way of considering pronouns of gendered beings). We're told that Strigan's society uses gender-known pronouns even though it professes to consider gender irrelevant.

And yet: the Radchaai frequently refer to ships as "it" (I note that the standard English pronoun used to refer to vessels is the same as the way in which the Radchaai default pronoun is rendered). It's clearly not as simple as in/animate - ships have emotions, ships have personality and identity, ships are sentient, ships have ancillaries. Except that this is done in a literally dehumanising way - ships are explicitly not Radchaai, not citizens, and therefore not considered human; characters who are uninterested in or unsympathetic toward ships are far more likely to refer to them as "it", whereas characters who like ships seem to mostly not pronoun them; non-Radchaai humans are generally called the standard pronoun for Radchaai, despite being considered by at least some in the society to have sub-human status - and so I am left picking away at what distinction it is the Radch is making here...

Thoughts very much appreciated!
kaberett: Zuko kneeling, offering up his wrists (zuko-defeat)
1. I ate raspberries I picked in my mother's garden yesterday.

2. I have worked through another level and a bit of Psychonauts on my ludicrous completionist replay. I appear to have little-to-no interest in the storyline this time around; apparently my patience for the misogyny and sizeism and even cissexism is 0 while I'm still interested in the mechanic. Also, I am playing through MUCH faster than last time.

3. Two meals, lots of meds. (Dinnerfood was leftovers from last week; it meant it was easy and I didn't have to wash up, just put things in the dishwasher.)

4. I continue my Ancillary Justice reread, and am probably going to put off reading the first chapter of Ancillary Sword until I have finished. (And I wept all over it on the tube, as ever - the scene at the beginning on Nilt with the kid whose family member was injured! The way the kid interacts with their mum! I have FEELS EVERYWHERE, every time.)

5. To my complete astonishment, I appear to have managed to tentatively set up a collaboration with someone I didn't previously know who is acquainted with my supervisor, on the merits of explaining my own research and asking tolerably intelligent questions about hers. I am flummoxed, but also greatly relieved (I feel like having set up a collaboration before I've even actually displayed my poster is fairly good going). (I really don't know how to feel about this conference - neither of my supervisors is present, but my head-of-group's wife & my mentor is one of the coorganisers, and two of the other organisers lectured and supervised me during undergrad, and there's an awful lot of people I know from Cambridge hanging around. Also an awful lot I don't, but... still weird.)

6. Wheelchair. I'd otherwise have been in even more pain by the end of the day than as it happens I was.

7. Continued progress on the introductions meme. I will post announcing properly when I'm actually up-to-date, but I've written a small pile more introductions!

8. D has arranged for me to own metallic teal eyeliner. I'm pretty chuffed about this. I mean, I'll have to learn to use it, but if I also acquire some gold + silver I will actually be able to do drag make-up eyes at least a bit?

9. Going via Green Park station (at least when I'm not transferring between Picadilly and Victoria lines) always makes me smile: the station art is lovely, as I believe I mentioned the last time I went to a conference in the area. (It's mostly built out of a limestone full of shells, in the way that means the outside face of the block has depressions for the hollows of the shells; one line of blocks is, instead of limestone, concrete with similar patterns made at like 100x scale.)

10. Because this conference is in Burlington House and hideously inaccessible (... more later maybe; not a good thing to dwell on now), I ended up waiting around a bit for help leaving. This meant that I got to peek behind the curtains at the bottom of the stairs that cover the first geological map in the world.
kaberett: a watercolour of a pale gold/salmon honeysuckle blossom against a background of green leaves (honeysuckle)
Today I made friends with some new perfumes on my way through John Lewis, on which very brief notes.
  • Bulgari Jasmin Noir: unpleasant bubble bath, fading to mild but non-descript bubble bath. Perfume says "** Noir is the new silly. This is the sort of industrial-strength, thickly scored, too-many-cookes (four perfumers, apparently) composition the French call une soupe. TS describes the genre as cough-syrup ice cream, and I agree." Unlike Bulgari Black, doesn't simply turn into vanilla cookies on me.
  • Guerlain Shalimar: goes on very strong, fades to quite a pleasant vanilla with something a little medicinally wholesome around the edges. Unnoticeable except right up against my skin, a couple of hours on; on me, it is entirely unclear why Perfume gives it five stars (but then they give two stars to a bunch of stuff that's nuanced and exquisite on me, so! Skin chemistry...)
  • Guerlain Shalimar Initial: described by the counter staff as "lighter, more rose". Well, maybe, but it went on uninspiring and has faded away to pretty much nothing. Underwhelming first foray into Guerlain.
  • Penhaligon's Lothair (linked because actual notes listed): thing that grabbed me most today. Amazing on the testing strip and in the bottle. It goes on very green on me, with the fig milk obvious; unfortunately I seem to amp juniper so it spends the first few hours just smelling like I've bathed in gin. Some time on, it's instead vanilla and lightly burned toast with a hint of bitter greens and, yes, tea. Alas it is probably not nice enough on me to buy any, but once again I am kind of tempted towards scent lockets...

Other adornment-related snippets: Lush Christmas release apparently hits shops on the 3rd of October, whereupon I will pounce on a large bottle of Rose Jam, if it is rereleased this year. There is going to be an enormous Lush store (biggest in world, containing spa, etc) opening on Oxford Street in March. And METALLIC TEAL LIQUID EYELINER.


Sep. 14th, 2014 06:36 pm
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
(copied from infodump at an absent [personal profile] quartzpebble, the better to keep track/tick things off; includes several blog posts, so apologies in advance about that!)

(nb self: there's a poem trying to happen about "it is a luxury to know you'd make the same choice again", also stuff about material vs spiritual gain/growth, also disability-stuff about how building stamina isn't really relevant to me with my combination of conditions because fundamentally I need the chair because otherwise I will unpredictably collapse with pain)

todo )

tada )
kaberett: Toph making a rock angel (toph-rockangel)
it's okay to doubt yourself sometimes
and it's okay to fall in love

1. CNdeliMechs gig last night! (By which I mean: triple-bill CN Lester, who writes heartbreakingly beautiful music, the most recent album of which I have spent much of the past six months listening to on repeat; The Mechanisms, a band of pirates from a spacepunk dystopian future full of stories; and the Indelicates, who have my heart forever and ever and are very patient with me being a deeply overenthusiastic fan.)

2. ... which was close enough to Brick Lane that [personal profile] shortcipher was willing to do a bagel run on his way to dropping me off, so we have bagels and uncroissant and unstrudel and we drove along the Thames squeezed into a car and -- yes.

3. Someone I met at the Diseases of England IndeliLaunch at the beginning of last summer - he's based in Cardiff - crashed on my floor last night, and I'm now playing him my collection of Indelicates rarities. Currently we are bopping along to the hard trance remix of We Hate The Kids, which he hadn't heard before.

4. I read the latest bit of [personal profile] recessional's MCU fic this morning, with tea and croissant, and I also read the latest Strong Female Protagonist (webcomic of which I am super-fond), and it was lovely.

5. I HAVE CLEARED THE WASHING-UP BACKLOG IT IS GREAT. The kitchen is satisfyingly clean.

6. Poster is printed!

7. I'm still incredibly impressed with myself for rhyming "gluon" with "sine qua non" yesterday.

8. Boooooooooooots. The boything indulged me to very great extent by getting me a pair of the boots I linked to a couple of Ten Good Things ago, and the shape is PERFECT and guh boots. (I think boything thinks he got a good deal out of this one, heh.)

9. I have been reading a lot of really awesome books recently (a longer post on one of them I loved and hated in equal measure to come, probably), and I have more to look forward to... (so excited about Ancillary Sword; think another Ancillary Justice reread might happen before then.)

10. Housemate has got me watching Brooklyn 99 and it is BRILLIANT. Such ladies! Such casual queers! Such black gay chief of police! Such beautiful, beautiful slightly-overwritten incredibly deadpan dialogue, a la The Middleman! Much enthusiasm. :-)
kaberett: curled decorative end of curtain rail casts a heart-shaped shadow on a wall (heartfruit)
Love is a universal constant:
by which I mean it is
as remote, pervasive, and unimaginable
as the speed of light,
as ir/relevant as Planck or Avogadro,
and as varied and as integral.

You are loved
and love is absolute.
Years of light may separate you
but distant stars are no less hot,
burn no less bright:
you are a vantage-point, alone.

And you are an alchemist
of people: you have spent
your entire life in study,
the weights and measures easy in your hands
as flight, as wings.
You are a scientist. You choose
how to employ your tools,
what to discount, how best
you might experiment.

Love is not an answer, nor a framework,
nor a limit: it is a block, an element,
a piecemeal part of firmament
and you are gravity, mortar, gluon--
choose your scale: you,
sine qua non.
kaberett: A photograph of a dark-grey train with white cogs painted on the side, with a bit of station roof visible above. (trains)
My Very Sad E-mail to the railcard folk got answered - [personal profile] quartzpebble let me forward the e-mail and assured me it wasn't a disaster, which is also some of how I deal with e-mails I don't wanna - very briefly, to the effect of "sorry about this, I see customer services have now sorted this."

... so I logged in on the website to check, and the status is now "dispatched". Which means it will be with me soon. Which means that I might have a card in the wrong damn name but I will at least have a card without having had to give them a name I didn't want to, and that's... a thing. *relief*

(However, I suspect this means that a different member of the team got assigned to verify my evidence-of-entitlement when I resubmitted and the structure's still fucked? WHATEVER I AM SORTED FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS.)
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
In the moment when someone else's laughter tears
you away from joy
when their face turns mirror-mask, reflecting
back your past, when your breath
catches, and your heart stutter-
skips, the beat of time confused,
gone wrong, when
you startle awake to find you've gone adrift--

when you put down your anchor, set aside your anger,
settle once again into the fabric of your days--
when the details of your life burst blueberry-bright,
delight for all the landscape's swathed in mist--
when you notice you've forgotten to be scared--
this, too, has the taste of victory.

Hoard your small victories like sugar-cubes
or pearls, the coarse made sweet & light.
Remember that the everyday counts, too.
If it is all that you can do to wash your face--
even in this, you'll find you can find grace.


kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)

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