kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Hello! You are a person! You are probably lovely! I like people!

This journal ends up being a bit of a mix of Srs Business (rants; things I've learned from counselling; &c), fannish & scientific joy, linkspams, poetry, & misc life updates. I tag fairly compulsively, though not always helpfully; I use content notes; I have written up a cast of characters; I aim to maintain this as a safer space, and appreciate (but do not expect!) call-outs when I mess up.

I like it if you introduce yourself when you subscribe, but it's definitely not required. Probably 30% of this journal is access-locked; I give access very readily. Fanworks are always public; AO3 is the canonical place to find my list of works. I'm very happy for you to link to anything that's public, and I'll be even happier if you let me know you're doing it. :-)

Welcome!

permanent wishlist -- care & feeding () -- contact info ()


[archiveofourown.org profile] kaberett -- at the LashBlog -- [ravelry.com profile] kaberett -- BPAL.org -- kabe@rett.org.uk
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
painsomnia, noun, inability to sleep
arising from somatic symptoms.
insomnianger, noun, inability to sleep
because of rage.
insomnia, noun, inability to sleep
for reasons unclear, or perhaps uninteresting.
Deferential diagnosis is required.
Morpheus' border guards delight
in lengthy - endless - questioning.
O innocents, ye need not be afraid.
It is the rest for whom these gates are barred.
& so beware, be wary: caprice
is the only arbiter of guilt.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
1. Okay, apparently when I was complaining last night about how my entire street lost power for a couple of hours (and therefore I was missing a Skype counselling session), I should have been complaining about how my entire borough lost power for a couple of hours...

2. ... but on the upside, this means that I watched Belle with my housemate over dinner (because we had matches and gas hobs and fully-charged laptops, oh yeah, so food was a possibility as was everything else).

3. I continue incredibly annoyed that on any given afternoon/evening the 12-hour weather forecast determines my work schedule for up to the next week. In practice I have spent today flat out in bed, because first day of period, so having tidied up lab last night to the point where I could leave it and it'd be safe was a good thing? But still deeply irritating and seriously slowing me down (as is the fact that our lab manager's been laid out with something flu-y with complications for which she's been given antibiotics... for a fortnight).

4. See above re knackered: what this means in practice is that I made the puttanesca pasta bake again and consider it Improved. It goes like this: in a large deep rectangular baking dish, place: half a bulb of garlic, finely chopped; a teaspoon or two of dried crushed chilli flakes; some oregano or whatever; as much black pepper as you can be bothered to grind; half a jar of capers, with brine; half a jar of olives, with brine; a tin or jar of artichoke hearts, with preservation medium; two wossnames of tomato passata; as much pasta (penne is good) as will fit, when stirred in well; water to just cover the pasta, stirred in well; top off with grated cheese of your preferred description if not dairy-free; stick in oven at approx 200degC for approx 30-45 minutes (we stuck it in the oven and watched an episode of Elementary while it was cooking and it was fine).

5. Awesome ex-housemate C has a PhD offer! This means I might (depending on the places she's still waiting to hear back from) have cause to end up on the east coast of the US periodically...
kaberett: Photo of a pile of old leather-bound books. (books)
  1. The sonnet about dormice.
  2. The villanelle about intimacy and mortality and flavours of love.
  3. The poem about love and opticians (with or without?).
kaberett: Grinning emoticon. (:D)
OKAY SO I have a 20-minute appointment on the 29th with my GP. To discuss whether a PTSD diagnosis might be relevant for me.

Consequently I have promptly forgotten all of the reasons I think it might be relevant! Erm. Do you feel like crowdsourcing concrete examples of Me Doing An PTSD so that I don't have to think 'em up myself? Much obliged.

(Here is absolutely not the place to get into debates about the validity of self-diagnosis. Like, if you want to have this fight, I will win, but right now is not the time. Okay? Okay. Find me after.)
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
1. I had a lovely leisurely breakfast with my mother this morning, sat watching the birds on the feeders and the patio. Zitronenwasser and croissant and conversation and restful watching of tiny terrifying dinosaurs.

Read more... )
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
Midriver took me four or five reads to even begin to get, though I knew I loved it from more-or-less the first line; it is about bridges in time as well as space - a theme of his - and it is about the self as bridge, as poised in unstable equilibrium, as about to make choices; it is about the self as landscape; it is about the self in dialogue with landscape, a product of one's physical surroundings and one's geography as well as of one's time; it is about the self as self, contained and unitary and expansive; about the contrast between the fluid self and the moving river and the bridge that stands and will continue to stand (when looked at from a certain angle); about the transitive made permanent; about choice and decision.

Here is temporarily who I am.
kaberett: a watercolour of a pale gold/salmon honeysuckle blossom against a background of green leaves (honeysuckle)
facesfriend: Aha I was looking up whether aloe vera is actually effective as a burn treatment
facesfriend: And found a page with general "how to treat burns" advice
kaberett: it does appear to be
kaberett: ...
kaberett: would you like an aloe vera
kaberett: please say you'd like an aloe vera
kaberett: please?
kaberett: ...
kaberett: there's another three in the back garden
kaberett: that have managed to survive the winter
facesfriend: Wow. Didn't think you'd be able to conscience leaving them out to freeze...
kaberett: THE BACK GATE GOT LOCKED
facesfriend: (page includes an assortment of general points about burn treatment, general medical stuff such as you might find on NHS website or similar)
kaberett: (did you burn yourself)
facesfriend: (plus a single bullet under the various bits of treatment advice for "if the patient is still on fire")
kaberett: hahahaha "put the fire out"? :-p
facesfriend: (BECAUSE IF THE PATIENT WERE STILL ON FIRE YOU WOULD BE LOOKING FOREVER FIRST AID ADVICE ON THE INTERNET, RIGHT?)
facesfriend: No I am not burned but I was pondering adopting an aloe and wondering if they were actually effective for that or if it was just placebo
kaberett: they are actually effective
kaberett: please take an aloe
kaberett: (... were you considering adopting someone else's aloe)
kaberett: (if you're not dating them can I pull rank)
facesfriend: (baby I only have eyes for your aloe)
kaberett: (THANK GOD)

*facepalm*

Jan. 14th, 2015 07:47 pm
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
I've been thinking a lot lately about intentionality and choice-theft and the giving (and gift) of space in which to make choices. I've also been thinking a lot about the ethics of the ways in which I handle and encourage and shape social interactions, and about the extent to which I explicitly voice what it is I am doing so people can decide whether they're comfortable with me doing it.

... and I've only just noticed that of course this all comes up in the ways it is coming up because I'm reading [personal profile] recessional's MCU fic, and particularly Natasha has been Making Appearances, and... whoops. Fandom as therapy. Again.
kaberett: a watercolour of a pale gold/salmon honeysuckle blossom against a background of green leaves (honeysuckle)
Somewhere around the turning of the year one of the sunsets particularly caught my eye, and I wandered a little way down the lane to take pictures. The tide was out; there are sheets of waves coming up the beach, which was very smooth (the sand was very high), and on the left of the picture are the rocks that we-as-a-family call the Cat's Ears displaying rather nicely. Mullion Island doesn't look quite as much like a lion as it does from some angles, but nonetheless I think you get the idea.



Then on Sunday my housemate enthusiastically followed me around Kew, and my useless ex trailed after us poking at the Internet on his phone and occasionally saying "yes, dear, that's very nice, it's a plant" (or words to that effect). Well, and occasionally stroking the odd plant I pointed out as having particularly fuzzy foliage. <3
+11, of Kew. )
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
Empathy as intentional and courageous, in contrast to - ha - inpathy (via [personal profile] strangecharm); and To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This (via everyone). Both about intentionality and about choice and about choosing-to-thing. Linked because they came up, the both of them, today; and because of my own thoughts on how to fall in love.

a note--

Jan. 11th, 2015 12:29 pm
kaberett: a watercolour of a pale gold/salmon honeysuckle blossom against a background of green leaves (honeysuckle)
-- to say that I am doing very well! The absence here has been because I have slightly-to-my-surprise been busy.

I am currently actively reading Saladin Ahmed's The Throne of the Crescent Moon for book club; I have poetry by Audre Lorde, Stephen Dunn, Carol Ann Duffy and Rilke out on loan; I have just finished reading a book by Nnedi Okorafor (Zhara, the Windseeker) and am now intending to read everything else she has ever written. I continue listening to Vienna Teng on loop; I have just watched Elementary S0309 twice and am having lots of feelings about it!

Yesterday I made three huge vats of curry, some rice, and some chapati. I fed lots of people. It will keep feeding lots more of us.

I have code that increasingly does what I want. My slightly scary meeting with my supervisor on Friday was in fact incredibly exciting: I plotted up all of the data I've spent the past 15 months acquiring, and some really intriguing things popped out. The paper we were conceiving as "the ocean island basalts" paper - relating to intraplate volcanism only - looks like I might actually have things to say about all volcanism on the planet. And ergo mantle processes in a much broader sense than expected. Which -- yessss. All of a sudden I feel like my project is taking shape and making sense.

Also received a very pleasing compliment-shaped-thing on the topic of my poetry, aaah.

I have just flung myself through the shower and am heading out to Kew for a little while now with my useless ex and my housemate; this evening we are going to watch a free livestreamed CN Lester gig at 8pm GMT (I seriously seriously recommend CN if you haven't come across them - singer-songwriter, pianist, dealing awesomely with interpersonal interactions and mental illness; plus they're genderqueer so, you know).

... whoops?

Jan. 8th, 2015 12:22 pm
kaberett: Photo of me with my face buried in my hands (blush)
I was mildly embarrassed, last night, to realise that the list of places P-the-no-longer-unethical and I have spent time together over the course of the past six years goes a bit like this:

Cambridge (UK) (maybe a fortnight in total)
London (UK) (half a week?)
York (UK) (two days)
LA (USA) (5-6 days, I can't remember)
Paris (France) (long weekend)
Zürich (Switzerland) (long weekend)

... and we're about to add Stockholm (long weekend) to that list. *facepalm* Hurrah Academia, I suppose...? The only place one of us wasn't living or working at the time, in that list, is York.
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
  • On Getting Free, by Mia McKenzie at Black Girl Dangerous
  • you're made of memories you bury or live by (Vienna Teng)
  • who only by moving can balance,/only by balancing move | here is temporarily who I am (Michael Donaghy both)
  • you're growing old so young (Stars)


The thing I learned, that I needed to survive, was to make myself small. (I have talked before about the monstrosity inherent in learning to read and mould interactions; about how uncomfortable it makes people; about how it's a skill we learn because it is necessary.)

I learned that I was too loud and too messy and too opinionated and too much and too me. I learned to be silent and I learned to keep my hurts to myself and I learned not to trust people and I learned not to ever ask for help. I learned that I damaged people by existing. I did my best to make myself not exist.

It helped me survive.

It will not help me to get free.
kaberett: Grinning emoticon. (:D)
Go read [personal profile] jedusaur telling you why you should read a ridiculous webcomic about a US college ice hockey team, then start at the beginning, then subscribe to the feed at [syndicated profile] omgcheckplease_feed.

I don't care at all about ice hockey or team sports. I care a bit about baking. I care quite a lot about queers. IT IS ABOUT QUEERS AND PIE AND ANXIETY AND INCIDENTALLY ABOUT ICE HOCKEY IT'S PRETTY GREAT OKAY I JUST READ THE ENTIRE THING.

(It is causing me to realise anew how desperate I am for media that just... treats taking anxiolytics and opiates as a normal thing and a Thing That Happens rather than it only ever showing up in ADDICTION!!!!1! storylines, but... hey.)
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Okay, so periodically I play the game of "I would like to meet the jewelry or elsewise art (preferably wearable) that goes with this name". Because armour comes in many forms and habits, and so on.

THEREFORE I am going to write them down so they are not simply rattling around my head or as disparate tags on this here journal:

my true name [which needs to have inherent the danger & recklessness of bearing one's true name openly]
mythologising the self/automythopoeia
the self as landscape
patchwork scraps of grace
the self as statuary

-- which will do for now (though by all means play in comments).
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Happy housiversary: my housemate and I have been living together for a year as of today in our ridiculous flat with our ridiculous lives, and she just took the time to spend five minutes curled up on me on my sofa catching up before running out the door again. It is pretty great.


I just sent myself an e-mail containing the following:

JUST FOR FUN
Marie on Mars: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0012821X14007262

Lunar dynamo paper: www.sciencemag.org/content/346/6214/1246753.abstract

Carbon-bearing iron phases and the carbon isotope composition of the deep earth: http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2014/12/11/1401782112.short

LIPs and supercontinent assembly: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S026437071400163X

Lower-mantle water reservoir: http://www.nature.com/ngeo/journal/v8/n1/full/ngeo2306.html

Lunar cryptomaria: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0032063314003912



I am having feelings about access to speech.


I wrote two things for Yuletide this year: At the going down of the sun, in the Vorkosiverse, an oral biography/history of Olivia Vorbarra Vorkosigan's life and how she got involved with Piotr anyway; and a treat in the Mechsverse, specifically about the Sirens in Ulysses Dies At Dawn: You'll Reign Supreme. Two things to note: (1) I now want to write Ulysses-fic about the Furies; (2) to my utter bafflement, the Vorkosigan fic has immediately become the most liked thing I've ever written??? Which I suppose is a little reassuring given that I wasn't convinced I'd done a terribly good job of it.


I have discovered that I can reliably do French and Dutch braids tolerably neatly on myself. This is excellent because it means that my hair is less of a disaster when I go a week without brushing it, which makes Dealing With It less intimidating; it's also excellent for reasons including "it does a better job of keeping my hair off my face" and "people's reactions are really funny".


I am poking at my brain quite hard and will post about it soon.
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
I have more-or-less finished reading the entirety of Michael Donaghy's work: three slim volumes. I first came across him (as so many others) in Staying Alive, with Machines. This morning I lost my heart to two more pieces; Poem On The Underground, which contains the glorious lines
But Harry Beck's map was a circuit diagram
of coloured wires soldered at the stations.
It showed us all we needed then to know,
and knew already, that the city's
an angular appliance of intentions, not
the blood and guts of everything that happens.
Commuters found it 'easier to read'.

Here is the other, in its entirety:
Midriver

- and is a bridge: Now to either then:
child to lolly: spark across the wire:
lover to the target of desire:
Lambeth to Westminster: back again.
Verb's a vector not a monument,
but someone skipped a stone across this river
fixing its trajectory forever
in seven arches after the event
- so stops halfway and, neither there nor there,
but cold and rained on and intransitive,
watches London switch from when to where,
why to silence in the traffic jam,
thinks I can see the borough where I live
but here is temporarily who I am.

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kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Alex

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