kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Hello! You are a person! You are probably lovely! I like people!

This journal ends up being a bit of a mix of Srs Business (rants; things I've learned from counselling; &c), fannish & scientific joy, linkspams, poetry, & misc life updates. I tag fairly compulsively, though not always helpfully; I use content notes; I have written up a cast of characters; I aim to maintain this as a safer space, and appreciate (but do not expect!) call-outs when I mess up.

I like it if you introduce yourself when you subscribe, but it's definitely not required. Probably 30% of this journal is access-locked; I give access very readily. Fanworks are always public; AO3 is the canonical place to find my list of works. I'm very happy for you to link to anything that's public, and I'll be even happier if you let me know you're doing it. :-)


permanent wishlist -- care & feeding () -- contact info ()

[archiveofourown.org profile] kaberett -- at the LashBlog -- [ravelry.com profile] kaberett -- BPAL.org -- kabe@rett.org.uk
kaberett: Euphorbia cf. serrata, green crown of leaves/flowers central to image. (spurge)
It is a delight to me that I had a conversation on Sunday night in which I pointed out to facesfriend that I do not, in point of fact, know them very well -- I started paying any consistent attention to their existence about 6 months ago and we started dating about 4 months ago (which is weird for me; I am really not used to getting to know people by dating them); he looked gently baffled and said he thought that, in fact, I knew him pretty well. I paused. "Okay," I said, "my predictive model for your behaviour is based on a relatively small sample size, and what data I do have isn't necessarily representative." "Right," he said, "that makes sense." Hurrah for human interactions wherein I get to express myself like that and it's just okay; this is, of course, some of why Hel bemoans that there's no way they can ever write dialogue that is an accurate representation of conversations they have with friends, because nobody would believe people talk that way in real life.

(Tangentially relatedly, but only sort of sideways rather than directly: I am having a pretty bad case of the I-am-not-allowed-to-want-things/I-am-not-allowed-to-be-wanteds this week. Not entirely sure why, but it's a thing; sorry if I go a bit spiky and weird on you.)


Mar. 2nd, 2015 12:20 pm
kaberett: (sokka-facepalm)
Right, so scent is an important thing for me, right? Using familiar scented products (shower gels, moisturisers, perfume, etc) is very grounding and helps me remember where and what my body is, and so on. Consequently I tend to keep shower gel of my own at partners' houses.

Currently, the shower gel I have on the go at facesfriend's is Original Source Raspberry & Cocoa.

It turns out that Original Source only use a limited range of dyes in their shower gels; Raspberry & Cocoa is the exact same colour as the Black Pepper & Chilli MANLY MAN MAN MAN shower gel. It is genuinely quite difficult to tell the difference between the two if you're half-asleep and wholly-myopic.

... guess what facesfriend has acquired a bottle of. GUESS.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Verdict: the dessert was amazing; we were offered tap water; my mother was correctly invited to taste the wine; the vegetarian main was a particular brand of incoherent charming only because I wasn't paying for it, in that it was very clearly the case that every vegetable accompaniment to every other dish on the menu had been piled up artistically. The result was very pretty and sort of fascinatingly confused, flavour-wise; I'd be willing to go back if someone else were paying (the same is emphatically not true of Alimentum, who served me the most insipid £25 risotto it's ever been my misfortune to consume; four-or-so years on I'm still resentful).

Dessert was, as I say, sublime; I had an intensely vanilla-y almond tart in which was sat a whole poached pear, done not in red wine but something else altogether; served with rosemary & manuka honey ice-cream, which was enclosed in a beautiful pink spun-sugar sphere. Excellent, would dessert again.

The meat-eaters seemed happy?

... right okay so it's my dad's 60th today, basically, and I wanted to come and visit my mum because approximately every human being I know in the south of England is at a particular club night in London tonight (club nights are fundamentally incompatible with my sensory issues alas), and so I accidentally ended up being taken out to a fancy dinner.
kaberett: a patch of sunlight on the carpet, shaped like a slightly wonky heart (light hearted)
Here is a thing that is nice: not being triggered by my partners' faces. In particular, catching a glimpse of t'new boy's face at an unfortunate combination of lighting and angle no longer sends me cowering across the room; instead I just get "huh, weird, for a moment there you looked just like..." and that is it.

I'm a little bit sideways at the moment and not quite sure why. I'm eating reasonably, sleeping not... less sensibly than normal, and not walking ridiculously much more than my normal too-much; but still I've twice in the past week ended up going home to bed, intending to have a 2-hour nap, and coming to seven hours later.

hello I'm a human I am not very human
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
... that you want to do something with Orphan Black to Stars The Stranger?

Lyrics. )


Feb. 23rd, 2015 01:35 am
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
(for future!me; today's tada went in paper diary :-) )

todo )

tada )
kaberett: Toph making a rock angel (toph-rockangel)

(Um also it was simultaneously better and worse at race stuff than I expected? If you want warnings that you haven't already got more competently from someone who isn't whitey then uh yeah.)
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
it is okay to have feelings.
Feelings are the language of your body
the self that runs ahead of thought
like an eager dog
the reservoir of your vital rhythms
it is not that your body wants
to command you, control you, confuse you, overwhelm you, no-!
it just wants you to listen
because feelings are information
and your body, your most personal of assistants,
in its own awkwardly earnest way
really wants to make sure
you get all your messages.

-- from Sensuum, [personal profile] jjhunter

Noodling about PTSD, )


Feb. 19th, 2015 04:15 pm
kaberett: A drawing of a black woman holding her right hand, minus a ring finger, in front of her face. "Oh, that. I cut it  off." (molly - cut it off)
[tumblr.com profile] kaberants

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest:
Only samples collected and stored by the British Museum since 1927, are affected by the contamination[.] (McDonough & Chauvel, EPSL, 1991)

kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
There are some terms I don't have good English for, either because I don't know the word or I don't think the English is as good as the German so I don't bother remembering it. Here are some of the things I am most likely to say:

Basta, fertig. Enough, finished, sufficient, done.

Biomull. Green waste/compost/recycling. Usually used when I am helping with cooking and therefore asking what to do with vegetable odds and ends.

Egal. Yes, French via German; lit "equal"; used as the shortest way available to me of communicating "I have no preference between the options you have offered me".

Falsch! Lit wrong/incorrect; muttered at myself when I've made a mistake.

Erstens braucht es immer länger zweitens als man denkt. First: it will always take twice as long as you think. Only with a nicer play on the numbers.

Spatzen. Lit sparrows; more helpfully, this appears to be a local dialect term that probably wasn't only used by my grandmother in the 50s, which seems as of late to be called "delayed onset muscle soreness" in some varieties of English.

Ein/der Teufel sitzt darauf. There's a devil sitting on it, or the Devil is sitting on it: of something that is lost or mislaid, causing strife and frustration and anxiety.

Unterlag. Lit "underlay"; specifically, the thing you put hot pans etc on top of to protect the table/worksurface.

Was man nicht in Kopf hat, muß man in den Füßen haben. Lit "what one does not have in one's head, one must have in one's feet"; more helpfully to Anglophones, expanded as "if you don't remember to bring it with you, you have to go back and fetch it", usually muttered to myself in exasperation as I disappear into another room to fetch something I failed to bring with last time I was there. When directed at other people it is done with affection and sympathy. (I have the regional variant that uses "feet"; other variants use "legs".)

(There are others, of course, but these are the most common.)
kaberett: a watercolour of a pale gold/salmon honeysuckle blossom against a background of green leaves (honeysuckle)
So there's a couple of scents I'm very fond of, but that don't last more than 90 minutes on me before fading beyond even ghosthood. This is a sadness.

Scent lockets I'm aware of as a concept, but don't really fit with my ~style~ (sorry, I'm mostly just gently horrified to realise I have one). Dabbing on clothes is obviously an option, but depends on wearing (1) clothes I'm happy to do that to, and (2) clothes that don't already have several layers of other scent on.

I've also heard about (and am experimenting dubiously with) putting perfume on on top of moisturiser.

Other thoughts?


Feb. 17th, 2015 09:12 am
kaberett: a watercolour of a pale gold/salmon honeysuckle blossom against a background of green leaves (honeysuckle)
1. So I was saying that I hoped my supervisor was suitably pleased with my pile of data from this run? SHE WAS. She was, by her standards, extremely effusive; I am basking gently in the glow of having been told that I made the right judgement calls about the slightly difficult mass spec session, that I got a significant amount of good data, that the reproducibility of results was great, that I've done really well with my standard deviations given how low the concentrations I'm working with are. She was just really really nice about my dataset just being... really good work. Basking.

2. I crashed out at 9pm and woke up spontaneously at 6; I had a nice relaxed morning pottering about (packing bag for tonight, eating breakfast, making hot chocolate), got into work at 8am, had my supervisor tease me gently about it (she normally gets in around 7 but today I beat her...), faffed with some more data (including fixing the problem in my 'orrible plotting script that I identified last night after I'd put computers away to sLEEP), tidied my desk, replied to some e-mails, ... yeah, pretty pleased with myself. And I slept super well, so.

3. Help help I am seriously considering setting up a side-tumblr called "kaberants" for the sake of engaging with irritatingly wrong text posts without having them clutter up my set of nice pretty pictures??? (Today's discovery-via-tumblr of the morning: Emily Blincoe's photography.)

4. It is a source of great pleasure to me that it's now light at 7am; soon I will start getting the District line into work again (because it runs aboveground for most of the trip, whereas the Piccadilly is underground for this section). Also, I tamed my hair.

5. Indelicates gig tonight! And I have reason to believe they'll be playing lots of stuff from the upcoming album, which appears to be about SPACE SCIENCE and SPACE ROBOTS and CHOICES and consequently I cry everywhere at it every time :D :D :D :D

(and 6: facesfriend points out to me that if I think he is being ludicrously indulgent of me because he adjusts the toaster to provide me with toast slightly burnter than he prefers it, this is possibly an indication that my perception of myself as Really Difficult To Deal With and Always Making People Go Out Of Their Way is skewed.)
kaberett: a watercolour of a pale gold/salmon honeysuckle blossom against a background of green leaves (honeysuckle)
1. My breath was misting when I left the house this morning. I am dressed accordingly, in standard winter uniform including medium-weight corduroy trousers; because I'm Having Trouble with clothing on my torso (sensory stuff) at the moment, top half was vest top, lightweight shirt, linen waistcoat, scarf, coat. ... it is thirty bloody degrees down here. I have removed most of the layers on my top half and am contemplating how likely it is that anyone is actually going to turn up in lab if I make similar adjustments elsewise.

2. ... okay I have legit got data for >40 samples this run. Which considering the first 48 hours were consumed by a misbehaving introduction system... well, I hope my supervisor is suitably pleased, THAT IS ALL I AM SAYING. (And it is quite exciting and I am looking forward to plotting it up!) (For context, I've got multiple measurements of the majority of them; it takes about an hour to measure two samples when you're actually measuring; and there's lots of intermediate steps in terms of checking concentrations, making things up to the right dilution, etc etc).

3. Also I gritted my teeth and... fixed some of my shonky code... and it wasn't anything like as involved or irritating as I thought it would be? And in the process I made the whole thing less hacky? SO THAT WAS NICE.

4. Also nice: having managed to actually have a proper hot shower and brush and wash my hair late last night (it's... been a fairly hefty work week, I think today is going to be my fourth or fifth >12-hour day not counting the bits of support-work-not-PhD-work I've been doing); having slept well last night; gradual improvement in my cognitive function as measured by how frustrated I get by logic puzzles (as compared to a couple of weeks ago); significant progress on my list of shit I've been putting off.

5. Getting over my tail end of a sore throat means my voice actually does what I expect when I sing again, which is a great relief and great comfort.

6. Okay I know I keep going on about this, but it is so satisfying to have a session I rather grimly thought would turn into a disaster (and nearly cancelled last week!) go so well, and it's additionally satisfying that I... get to look at the data as it comes off and go "yeah, that makes sense" -- I now understand what is going on sufficiently well for this chapter of the thesis to make predictions, to have the predictions met, and to have some idea of mechanisms, and it's kind of magic; I need to remember this when I move on to zinc and none of it makes any sense again. (Except based on my thallium data I do actually have a model for what's going on, so I can take zinc in relation to that...)

7. I am rereading your blue-eyed boys, now having osmosed rather more of canon, and as ever it is a great comfort.

8. I am tired and I am low on executive function but I'm also... okay? Yeah. I'm okay, and I'm contented, and I'm happy, and I'm looking forward to trundling off to facesfriend's when I'm done here.
kaberett: Stylized volcano against a stormy sky, with streams of lava running down its sides. (volcano)
I feel the urge to note that we have a copy of this PhD comic up on the noticeboard in the mass spec lab.


kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)

March 2015

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