kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Hello! You are a person! You are probably lovely! I like people!

This journal ends up being a bit of a mix of Srs Business (rants; things I've learned from counselling; &c), fannish & scientific joy, linkspams, poetry, & misc life updates. I tag fairly compulsively, though not always helpfully; I use content notes; I aim to maintain this as a safer space, and appreciate (but do not expect!) call-outs when I mess up. Possibly helpful: a little about (some of) the important people in my life.

I like it if you introduce yourself when you subscribe, but it's definitely not required. Probably 30% of this journal is access-locked; I give access very readily. Fanworks are always public; AO3 is the canonical place to find my list of works. I'm very happy for you to link to anything that's public, and I'll be even happier if you let me know you're doing it. :-)


permanent wishlist -- care & feeding () -- contact info ()

[archiveofourown.org profile] kaberett -- at the LashBlog -- [ravelry.com profile] kaberett -- BPAL.org -- kabe@rett.org.uk
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Insight would be appreciated but mostly I'm writing this down this time so's I have it when I come back to this after the weekend. ;)

Read more... )
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Today I have not yet got out of bed for more than 10 minutes at a time.

small victories )

really really todo: rinse out the dishwasher filters
kaberett: a patch of sunlight on the carpet, shaped like a slightly wonky heart (light hearted)
Unfamiliar but meticulously planned route (mostly on tube) to friend's house in Peckham earlier: actual panic including some capslocky flailing text messages.

Improvisational night buses back: not a problem.

Which, as best as I can tell, is because (1) nobody was expecting me/waiting for me, and (2) it was travelling homeward so the journey got progressively easier. Anyway, the upshot is that it took me 90 minutes to get home (via three buses), of which half an hour was walking; I could probably have shaved some extra time off by taking a route I was less familiar with but hey, whatever, I got a lot of code written on the buses and successfully made it home, so.

Ten good things:
1. Awesome ex-housemate C's birthday not-a-party; pizza + cake + a bafflingly preposterous film.
2. ... I made a cake while simultaneously making dinner and reducing the washing-up pile to tractable size...
3. ... and just about squeaked it all into the available time after getting back from work, where I sorted out cleaning up the mass spec.
4. Lots more of the ridiculous script! Really I should not be at ~200 lines to plot some bloody graphs I think, and on the other hand I'm doing rather better error handling and abstracting lots etc etc etc. (Well, relative to an early incarnation. It's still preeeeeetty specific to my particular data and how I've piled it up.)
5. I am continuing to derive more satisfaction than is perhaps reasonable from the silly computer game I'm being ridiculously completionist about.
6. I am having a lot of thoughts and feelings about being-imperfect-in-public, and what it means that I am proud of putting up shoddy code and poem drafts and such, and maybe there will be a longer post on this.
7. Housemate (who is a pretty integral part of my support system at this stage) has told me about a couple of medium-duration trips away from home she'll be taking in the next few weeks. I continue not freaking out despite the relevant trauma (like, it isn't even sitting up and sniffing). This continues incredibly validating.
8. Having articulated that I have spent the past couple of months pretty continuously low-grade triggered, I am much calmer and much more together and much more relaxed and it is awesome. It is so, so nice. It is so nice.
9. ... Korra 4x04 went some way towards redeeming the terrible politics of the first three seasons??? Decidedly partial, but!
10. Sleep-tracking app appears to be having the effect of encouraging me to consciously work on catching up on sleep (and to be more aware of what I do need to average). I'm currently averaging ~8hrs/night; I really do need to get it up to 9, and while that clearly isn't going to be happening tonight it's very nice to have the information. The downside is that when I'm getting ~enough sleep I get much more vivid and memorable (and often unpleasant) dreams than when I'm in continuous major sleep dep, but hey.

Oh! And I washed my hair, and Ancillary Sword is more and more appealing the more I sit with it, so I suspect I will be going back to it for a slow-and-steady reread sometime soonish.. General Please.
kaberett: a patch of sunlight on the carpet, shaped like a slightly wonky heart (light hearted)
For all of you; and specifically for [personal profile] jelazakazone, a bit.

I am living a borrowed life on
borrowed time, in that
the theft thereof has not been noticed yet--
my other selves are paper-thin;
they echo in the corners of my eyes,
their futures circumscribed by our own hand
and thereby written out of history.
Egal: perhaps they would be better, but
it's me who's living this, who's
strong or weak enough to hold on tight.
I will make a patchwork of my fractured nights,
my scraps of grace: as ever bound together
with the brilliant shining thread that you,
unknowing, trace.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Nigella Lawson on the topic (semi-steamed); entirely baked version involving TINY FREEZABLE RAMEKINS; if doing the thing of soaking the dates first, lots of people recommend tea and you want to use overbrewed rooibos; this is totally a thing you can do, self.

PS you -- The Pioneer Woman makes creme brulee look not entirely terrifying, Rasa Malaysia wants to be your misguided friend, the Graun is your spiritual home, and the Beeb wants you to have two recipes.
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
  • At least some of my being terrified of writing for people other than myself (so - blog posts, technical writing, etc) is related to my dad's terrible thing of going "too slow!" at us whenever he asked us a question over dinner. Ergo I baulk and dig in my heels and refuse to write anything until the deadline's gone wooshing past because I'm too scared, and at least when it has gone wooshing past I am safe in the knowledge that I have disappointed people and can therefore can just get on with things (to some extent with a cocktail of sleep deprivation and adrenaline driving me forward). (Don't hesitate/it'll never push you forward/don't waste the time you've been given...) (There is a poem trying to happen about how I am living on time borrowed from my other selves.)
  • I look despairing when talking about TOG, and open and happy and secure when talking about P-the-no-longer-unethical or Awesome Ex-Housemate C. (And realised myself, somewhat wryly, that towards the end of our relationship I felt that I was without hope on the topic of Us; out the other side of that I find that I am not, in fact, as hopeless as might be good for me.)
  • Joking and current music fields aside, I'm pretty confident that I do love TOG in the knowledge of who and what he is, as opposed to an image of him disconnected from reality. I was very clear that I didn't expect that he would quit and that I loved him in that knowledge and belief; unfortunately nothing much has changed there except for developing a hard limit. Which makes not worrying about him difficult, alas, and means I have all these feelings that I need to work out what to do with.
  • I am all tangled up and sad & trying to carry other people's burdens all unasked at the moment; it's not good for me and I need to work out how to set them aside. Homework for the week was lots of breathing exercises (we know they work for me) and some focussing on the serenity prayer (at my own wry suggestion; counsellor said "Will that help?" and I replied "Well, it'll make me grin wryly, so yes, in a sense....").

Next session late Friday afternoon next week. Counsellor is once again attempting to charge me less money...
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
The shot I was most pleased with from last trip in early October: three lilypads in a row, in different colours.

Another seven photos. )

And my absolute favourite shot, from the oak walk (where I was very excitable and very pleased by ALL THE OAKS), is light through oak leaves:
kaberett: Photo of a pile of old leather-bound books. (books)
... to be titled "This didn't annoy me.", with possible subcategories of "this book only annoyed me a bit" and "this annoyed the shit out of me but to my bafflement I still appear to extremely impatient for the sequel to come out".

Brought to you by once again finding myself describing Max Gladstone as "not annoying", when it might be more informative to say "he's writing about trans stuff and recovery from serious injury stuff and he just keeps getting it right to the extent that I had to reread to be sure I'd correctly understood the entire lack of awful, and then I burst into tears on the celeriac".
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
As a species, we are dedicated
to post hoc rationalisation:
the tidying away of inconvenient emotion
the reduction of the self
to an ordered
                     of steps.
If this, then that. Well, no:
everything happens for a reason.
The reason, though, does not come carved deep into stone
(every conceivable dictator
being characterised by sublime indifference):
but is rather what you make of it.
This is what it means to tell the story of your life:
to take your whys and somehow give them form.
This is the solid ground of poetry:
two roads diverged; think, two things, both at once:
and every meaning you create is true
or true enough for now. Is this about...?

Yes. Yes, it is.

If only for this moment, we
are mirrored mirror twins.
I only wish I'd any clue
along which lines I'd break.
kaberett: A pomegranate, with eyes and mouth drawn onto masking tape and applied (pomegranate)
OKAY, so, back in 2007 I went on a school trip to Rome for a long weekend. On our one free early-afternoon I ended up getting to spend much less time at San Clemente than I'd intended, because Italian lunch hours, which in turn lead to me and the others I was with eating one of the best restaurant meals I had ever had for astonishingly little money, and it was only as we were leaving that we noticed the discreet stickers on the door about the place having been voted best-restaurant-in-Rome the preceding two years running.

My mother will be in Rome next weekend.

My mother, who remembers me rhapsodising about this place, asked me if I could recall the name.

... as it happened, I could remember (1) that the name started with an N and (2) the approximate walking route to get to it from San Clemente. Ergo five minutes with online maps later I had identified La Naumachia as the most plausible candidate, despite a rebrand having apparently done away with the very memorable logo of a ship. I look forward to hearing her report on it.

(Having explained how I found it, she responded: HAH!!!! That's the sort of thing I do. Indeed it's how the rat I ever found the same hotel I stayed in back then.... you come out of the back gate of the Inquisition past the best water fountain in Rome, go under a bridge past a dubious bus stop and up the hill most of the way to the next metro station....)
kaberett: Toph making a rock angel (toph-rockangel)
Thank you so much for writing for me! I am delighted and grateful. :-)

In general I'm a massive queermo and very much in favour of Queers Being Awesome and Trans Folk Being Awesome and Ladies Being Awesome etc etc. I also have a lot of feelings about families lost and found and chosen. I'm not terribly interested in sex (er, in general, though also reading about it); I don't object but please do not feel obliged! By mid-winter I tend to be feeling a bit miserable so happy endings are much appreciated, but getting there the hard way isn't a problem.

I am sure I will love whatever it is you write! I am only too pleased for you to follow your own muse and will adore the result. (Tell me if I'm being too effusive?) However, slightly more specific notes on requests follow if you want something to bounce off.

Read more... )

Thank youuuuuuuu <333


Oct. 18th, 2014 05:28 pm
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
Brain still all over the place. Sleeping lots, then finding it hard to remember what all I've actually achieved, and therefore getting sad and edgy about not ~doing anything~, so let's make a list.

tada )

todo )
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
not to write the selkie novel this November? (Yep, that snippet is about selkies - when listening to Still Catch The Tide on repeat, I found myself wondering what it would take for a selkie to choose to destroy her sealskin, and then things kind of... spiralled. I have only a very broad-brush outline and part of the point of trying to NaNo it would be to find out what the hell's going on! BUT it is still not necessarily a good idea for me to try to the thing.)
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
I keep noticing that I am underestimating my relative competence at coding. I think this is probably because I hang out with a lot of highly skilled programmers, so I am very aware of all the things I can't do and much too ready to dismiss the things I can. Yo, self, you teach this shit and you write 4am scripts to do the thing you want because nothing else will and you would actually be employable in this field. You're good at this.

Twice this week more senior PhD students have asked me about chemistry (in at least one instance resulting in me going "... this really doesn't smell like hexanol" alone in a lift). I know I was good at organic chemistry; this is... a useful reminder of my skill sets.

And I'm writing poetry that is, however much it surprises me that this is the case, the equal of a lot of stuff that's been professionally published. This, too, I can acknowledge and be proud of.
kaberett: a watercolour painting of an oak leaf floating on calm water (leaf-on-water)
And if the Earth should be too great a gift
(too inconvenient, too delicate, too messy)
then I will give my self to you instead
(for all the same might well be said of me).
I conceive myself in motion. I believe
myself most wholly in these momentary
scraps of grace; perhaps what scares me most
is to be still. The closest, I suspect, that I will come
is falling into orbit around your indifferent sun.
kaberett: Photo of a pile of old leather-bound books. (books)
an excellent way to make me SHAKE MY FIST AT THE SKIES and refuse to ever read anything you've written ever again, okay

is to use the metaphor

"dull as rock"


(In fact I'd be less disproportionately irritated by it if it weren't for all the other things in this book that're pissing me off -- Babel-17, Samuel R Delaney, WHY IS IT SO FULL OF REALLY LAZY SIZEISM, WHY, HE CAN CLEARLY WRITE BETTER THAN THAT, and that is not all said the Cat in the hat -- but hey! This is, I think, going to be good shorthand for my frustrations with him. Though, er, anyone feel like telling me whether the sizeism is as rampant and infuriating in his other stuff? Because if it is I'll just continue pretending that Dhalgren is a queer utopia - haven't read it - and read Octavia Butler instead, wah-wah.)
kaberett: a patch of sunlight on the carpet, shaped like a slightly wonky heart (light hearted)
When you've counted the cost, repeat after us
No one is lost
No one is lost
No one is lost

(thank you thank you thank you [personal profile] littlebutfierce; if you're that way inclined you can stream it at Spotify or buy direct from the band.)


kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)

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